He's so fat, he went dancing and he made the band skip.

Thanks to T.J. Simers, "professional" sportswriting in L.A. devolves into Yo Momma jokes:

"If only Andruw Jones has what it takes to get to second base on this hot afternoon, then taking a lead, turning full body toward home plate and blocking out the sun.

The Tubbo is the only guy in uniform right now who could provide shade for a whole ballpark -- at least making himself useful.

...

I stopped by the Dodgers clubhouse after their win over the Angels to see if Jones cared, but he was already in the lunch room eating. No telling how long he could be in there.

...

By now, I hoped, Jones had finished eating, so I went to the Dodgers clubhouse. First thing I noticed, the Dodgers had a box of doughnuts, now half gone, just around the wall from Jones' locker."

He's so fat, he once broke his ankle and gravy came out.

He's so fat, when he sits around the house, he sits around the house.

He's so fat, his nickname is "Damn!"

He's so fat, he eats Wheat Thicks.