Shirtless Melky Cabrera eats peanuts in a hotel room with a porn star.

Thanks to my friend for sending me this link.

All-around dudeness.

"But for all the suspicions about Ortiz, fans like me have always trusted in his charisma, leadership and all-around dudeness that he wouldn't hypocritically hide something like this while talking tough publicly about steroids.

For a few of us, it's a time to hope for the best, even while we harbor feelings of betrayal, anger and disgust.

'In Papi We Trust.'

Barely."

I personally thought it was a good idea to pitch to Pujols.

Of course, I'm rooting against the Dodgers.

7-2, 3.58 era.

But every time Joba starts a game, Mike Francesa becomes physically ill.

Mets suck.

While the Yankees were winning 10 out of 11 and seizing first place from his beloved Red Sox, Mike Lupica complained about the Yankees acquisition of Roy Halladay.

Which didn't happen, and probably will not happen.

Now, I realize it's difficult for him to function properly when his loverboy blows a save, but this is all the baseball we get from this guy?

Chiming in on the bizarro Minaya press conference and concluding that Winning is Good? That's all we get in the midst of a baseball season in New York?:

"The Mets, in the person of Jeff Wilpon, did the right thing Tuesday, in a season when just about everything has gone the wrong way, when people have gotten the idea that three bad months and the single worst press conference in the history of the operation have turned them into the Knicks."

A basketball analogy? I want a boxing analogy.


"The Mets are not the Knicks. The Wilpons are not the Dolans. The Mets are not the Knicks in the standings, are not a laughingstock over nearly a decade the way the Knicks are."

So they're not the Knicks.

Seriously, dude, I think you may be schizophrenic.


"Last year Willie Randolph got it when the Mets didn't look nearly as bad as they look right now. Bernazard gets it now when things are much worse. One year it is Minaya's manager. Now his righthand man. The next person to get fired isn't a manager or a lieutenant. That is the way things work in sports, even for somebody as decent as Omar Minaya."

Minaya seems like an incompetent jerk to me.


"They're not winning the World Series this year, so it will be 23 years and counting. Lose Game 7 to the Cardinals. Collapse in September. Collapse again the next September. In fourth place as they move up on August. Nobody can say they're going the right way."

Phillies fans can say they're going the right way.


"There should be no joy in this, for anybody, whether they are Mets fans or not. No joy in the piling on."

I don't know if joy is the right word. More like ecstasy.

Like, the subtle satisfaction one feels when overrated, incompetent loudmouths get what they deserve.


"You don't judge Minaya on this season alone. Or on Bernazard. Or on one press conference. You are allowed to look at where you've been and where you're going. Do that without apology. You're either moving toward a championship or away from one."

Right.

I think we're in agreement, but I'm not sure.

Minaya should be fired, right? Probably should have been fired long ago. Or maybe never hired in the first place.

If you win the Triple Crown, I might even bat you ninth.

Blameshifter and Renowned Liar Joe Torre finally explains why he bat ARod eighth in a playoff game.

It was really a high compliment for his best player:

"Matt Kemp is batting fifth today, but here's a bit from Vincent Bonsignore of the Daily News on Joe Torre's rationale for often batting him eighth:

'I put him eighth because I thought I'd seen enough to know that he could handle it,' Torre said. 'Certainly it's not any kind of lack of confidence in his ability. It's just the opposite, actually. You have to feel comfortable about someone hitting eighth.'

'When I saw Matt with the quality of his at-bats, I didn't hesitate to hit him eighth because it just looked like he had a better feel than I felt he would have had earlier in the season,' Torre said. 'That was my biggest concern, because I didn't want him hitting eighth earlier in the season because I just wasn't sure he could handle it.' "

Stunning on many levels.

Aside from the typical logical merry-go-round to nowhere, Torre is saying that he batted Kemp eighth because he knew Kemp could handle it.


Which brings me instantly the the 2006 playoffs.

Did Torre really think ARod could psychologically handle batting eighth?

I mean, look: I'm the biggest ARod fan in the world, but the guy's brain is made of oatmeal.

Torre knew it was an embarrassment to ARod and also knew it was an easy way to sabotage ARod's performance.


So why do it?

Well, let me explain.

Torre thought he was going to be fired. Torre knew his team was mailing it in. The Yankees didn't even get a baserunner until the top of the sixth. I think Bonderman got the first fifteen outs on fifteen pitches.

So why purposely toy with the psyche of your all-star third baseman?

Torre was just hoping to ... what's the word I'm looking for here? ... blameshift!

"People."

"You can't point out enough what a terrific season Derek Jeter is having, especially since the season started out with people acting as if he were moving around between second and third with a walker."


Mike Lupica from the 2005 archives:

"About which left side of the infield you would rather have, Wright and Reyes or Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter. For now, the answer still has to be A-Rod and Jeter. For now. But not for much longer."


The day ARod retires is the day D. Wright becomes a better baseball player than ARod.

1-4, 7.04 era.

Maybe Smoltz really is the difference-maker in the AL East after all ...

With new Yankee Stadium, the Yankees have inadvertently lost their home field advantage.

Which explains why they only have a .680 winning percentage at home.

Bob Raissman just might disapprove.

YES Network will replay this "classic" game:

"Synopsis:

Luis Castillo drops a two-out popup in the bottom of the ninth inning that allows two runs to score and the Yankees win 9-8 over the Mets. From June 12, 2009."

Tim Smith joins the rest of us for the 2009 baseball season.

"Now the weight falls on Girardi to produce a championship, and at the very least get into the playoffs with a team that boasts the highest payroll in baseball. The Yankees missed the playoffs last year after Cashman decided to go with a youth movement in the starting rotation rather than pursue Johan Santana.

There are no excuses this year."

Because Theo's a genius, part two.

This from the guy who thought ARod was going to play centerfield.

"I wasn't aware until listening to Joe Buck on Tuesday night's All-Star Game telecast that baseball fans in St. Louis have insights into baseball that the rest of us don't.

It's sure going to make me knuckle down and try harder."

Please choose your pronouns more carefully, Mr. Lupica.

The average fan in St. Louis probably doesn't have greater insights into baseball than me.

But if the average fan in St. Louis walked into their average bathroom and took an average shower, the soapy film left behind on the drain probably has greater insights into baseball than you.

Because Theo's a genius.

Let's try to go one day without mentioning the 1996 Yankees.

"This season, with his Dodger team on virtual cruise control, Torre is proving that maybe he has an encore to the Yankees' dynasty he managed in the late ‘90s."

Dynasty?

They haven't even won one World Series.


"Well, maybe don't mention the ‘D' word quite yet."

I won't.

You did.

Joba is too fat.

Irony?

"For Mets' Daniel Murphy, playing first base is a comdey [sic] of errors"

Like, the Daily News headline writer decided it would be ironic to juxtapose a misspelling with the word "error," subtly reinforcing the comedy of the Mets' fielding woes?

Nah.

Probably not intentionally ironic.

Probably just unintentionally sloppy.

Are you tring to convince us? Or trying to convince yourself?

"Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre was 'disappointed' when Manny Ramirez got busted for using a substance banned by Major League Baseball, but the former Yankees skipper doesn't think any success the Dodgers enjoy this season would be tainted by Ramirez's use of performance-enhancing substances.

'I don't think so,' Torre said Monday at his annual charity golf outing at Trump National Golf Club. '(Ramirez) obviously did something he got punished for. As far as tainting, I don't. I mean, why would it be tainted? Because he did something?' "

Yes.

Because he did something.

" 'Well, what do you think about Andy Pettitte?' "

Cheater and liar.


" 'And Alex (Rodriguez)?' "

Cheater and liar.

Funny you should ask ...


" 'I mean, I don't know. I think baseball, right now, is tainted. And we need to get the trust back.' "

So, if baseball is tainted, and the Dodgers play baseball ... then the Dodgers are tainted! Thanks for clearing that up.

But why would baseball be tainted in the first place?

Because the players did something.

The Mets are loveable losers. Key word being, "losers."

Mike Lupica makes excuses for the $150 million sub-.500 team. Because Mike Lupica is a grizzled, tough New York-style journalist:

"I'm just thinking out loud here, but how would the Yankees be looking these days - how far would they be behind the Red Sox - if they were down Mark Teixeira, A-Rod and Capt. Jeter?

Carlos Delgado isn't the hitter that Teixeira is, Beltran isn't A-Rod, at least when A-Rod is up and running, and it's been a while since anybody was a whole lot keener on Jose Reyes than they are on Jeter.

But you sort of see how the math works, right?

The subtraction part, I mean."

Nobody cares about your imaginary Battle of New York. The Yankees are worried about the Red Sox and the Rays. The Mets are worried about the Marlins and the Phillies.

Yes, genius, the Yankees would be a lot worse without their good baseball players. That's because good baseball players play baseball good. This good baseball playing directly results in winning results for the baseball teams for which they play. You figured that out all by yourself.

But I'd prefer a detailed analysis of how D. Wright really stepped it up when his team experienced all these injuries. Twelve RBIs in June. Not twelve RBIs in one game in June; twelve RBIs in the month of June.

"Let me get this straight about the Yankees:

It's not okay to have facial hair, but it is okay for Nick Swisher to have that Mohawk haircut, except that would be kind of insulting to actual Mohawk haircuts."

Let me get this straight about the so-called premier sports journalist for the New York Daily News:

Dude is in London watching tennis during the Subway Series; has no idea if Edwar Ramirez is still on the Yankees roster; and wants to talk about Nick Swisher's haircut.

May I also point out (shock!) that Mike Lupica is a hypocrite?

I quote hypocritical bum coward liar hack Mike Lupica on Feb. 6, 2006:

"I want to be as clear about this as I can:

I don't think of Johnny Damon going through life on some kind of red carpet.
I don't care about his hair.

I don't care where he gets it done or if he's got highlights.

His hair wasn't all that interesting when it was caveman hair at Fenway Park, it doesn't matter now that it's makeover hair at Yankee Stadium.

Even though people who used to get half-hysterical about caveman hair now think Damon is cuter than a junebug.

Bottom line? The next time he gets a trim, leave me out of it."

Yeah, Anna Wintour, same goes double for Nick Swisher.

Go write an article for Teen Beat about the dreamiest Yankee haircuts. You couldn't name the Yankee starting rotation if somebody put a gun to your head.

Missed a sign.

"Because a few of you e-mailed, Robinson Cano missed a sign in the bottom of the 12th when he bunted a 3-0 pitch. Nobody was exactly sure what he was thinking and Cano did not make himself available to talk about it."

First, how do you "miss a sign" in the major leagues?

Second, how do you not understand this is a bad play? It's even worse that you didn't execute, but you're a major league baseball player -- how do you not understand?

Third, you're batting .200 with RISP. You were given the #5 spot and you blew it.

Most importanly, the next time you ground into a double play, run to first base. The whole 90 feet, you lazy bum.

He hits lots of homeruns.

Jayson Stark really can't figure out why Dodger fans want Manny back in the lineup:

"But maybe, Lipsyte suggested, that 'something' is no more complicated than a massive disconnect between fans and media.

'I don't think fans are trapped in the righteous indignation of all the sportswriters who blew the steroids story as it grew on their watch,' Lipsyte, a long-time New York Times columnist who also has done work at ESPN, wrote in an e-mail. 'Fans understand that ballplayers have the same goals as they do: win. How mad can you get at someone who endangers their health to entertain you (like Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson)? These aren't the crooked financiers or irresponsible politicians who do deserve our anger.'

Oh, he's right about that, clearly. One thing we can all agree on about Manny: He's no Bernie Madoff.

But that doesn't explain why this man is getting such a heroic welcome back. Does Manny really fit the mold of previous baseball players whose PED stains have been forgiven? Not that we can see."

Nobody's reputation has been severely stained by steroid use. The popular players remained popular. For the unpopular players -- such as Bonds, ARod, and Clemens -- steroid outrage is just backfilling.

Hey, we make $20 million per year, too.

Golly, I haven't hit a homerun since June 12th -- and neither have I -- and nobody even notices.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Of the road.

Get it?


Why does Brian Bruney pitch the eighth inning?

Because he's the eighth-inning guy.


You know, when Girardi puts it that way, you sound kind of dumb for asking.

Like, which other inning is the eighth-inning guy gonna pitch? Duh.

I'm going to pretend he didn't say that.

Hey, Joe Girorre: The world wants to know why you took out Hughes:

"Bruney's our eighth-inning guy," Girardi said.

Excellent rationale.

I'm going to go and play strat-o-matic now. My strat-o-matic managerial decisions will partially re-affirm my faith in the possibility of a logical world.