Sometimes parodies are more truthful than the truth.

"YES broadcaster and sports talk-radio host Michael Kay will be doing the play-by-play. The media refused to let him join their team again, as in previous years, he has openly rooted for the opposing Yankees, and according to Caple, he 'throws like a girl.' "

He made me do it.

I don't know if I can post about this topic anymore.

When Pettitte's name first came up, I said that he did it for the team and it was Clemens's fault.

But I was only kidding.

Like, "Can you seriously imagine if he said he did it for the team and if people actually tried to blame Roger Clemens?":

" 'It's a horrible situation to be put in,' [Pettitte] said. 'I don't think anybody in their right mind would want to be put in that situation.'

But Pettitte is, and to a large extent, it's Clemens' fault. There would have been no congressional hearings last week on the Mitchell Report if Clemens hadn't beaten his chest and bellowed his claims of innocence to Mike Wallace. Pettitte would never have had to tell anybody that his father was an HGH user and his supplier. Clemens has already dragged Pettitte through the muck with him. And since Roger cares only about Roger, there's no reason to believe he'll feel bad about doing it some more."

I'm quite willing to acknowledge that Clemens is lying and that he's a selfish twit. There's one story where Clemens and McNamee called 911 when they found some guy having a heart attack. Saved the guy's life. Clemens complained about the fact that his training session was interrupted. It sounds like an accurate portrayal of a real knucklehead. Not a nice guy.

But what does that have to do with Pettitte?

I mean, Pettitte can't be judged as his own man against a standard set of ethical guidelines?

He can only be judged vs. a scumbag like Clemens?

Congratulations.

You're somewhat less despicable than Roger Clemens. Step up to the stage and get your blue ribbon.

He did exactly the right thing.

I think this is supposed to be a compliment:

"He's a role model for every player that used illegal performance-enhancing drugs."


I just achieved the impossible!:

"Andy is a man of such decency and humility that it's impossible not to admire the things he has attempted to stand for. He admitted his mistakes and asked for forgiveness. What else can he do?"

You didn't expect him to show up on the Mitchell Report. Because he's a decent guy. But he showed up on the Mitchell Report.

Then, he said he took HGH on one occasion and you believed him. Because he's a decent guy. But he was lying.

Then, he said he took HGH on two occasions and you believe him again. Because he's a decent guy.

The fans I get.

"They were great, they were cheering for me, yelling for me,” Pettitte said. “Those are my New York fans and I’m glad of the response they gave me. It was wonderful.”

If Pettitte played for Boston, then Yankee fans would boo him. Giants fans support Bonds and boo McGwire and so on and so forth.


It's the writers I don't get.

Check out this post by Dan Graziano (confusingly, with Ed Price's picture and name):

"Look. I like Andy Pettitte. Writing negative stuff about Andy Pettitte has been one of the most difficult things I've yet had to do as a columnist."

Seriously?

You're basically admitting that you're an unreliable journalist.

Come to think of it, I suppose Graziano deserves credit at least for admitting it.

How about fielding practice? When's the last time the Yankees took pregame fielding practice?

" 'It's different,' Jorge Posada said. 'Joe Torre was probably the best there was. For me, he was a father figure and we're going to miss him dearly. He was a great man. But ...'

'I wanted Joe [Torre] to be here,' Mariano Rivera said. 'I played for him for 12 years and I'll miss his friendship and logic and wisdom about the game. But ...'

... It was time to move on. That's the party line, and Posada and Rivera were eager to repeat it yesterday.

'Girardi's a hands-on guy,' Posada said. 'He's going to be a little more critical, and it's gonna be a little tougher for us than it had been in the past. He's very energetic. So I think we're going to have a lot of energy coming from the manager.'

The implication was the living had gotten easy under Torre."

What does the Bible say about the $16 mill?

Funny how folks get all repentant after they get caught:

"I didn't do it to try to get an edge on anyone," Pettitte insisted. "I didn't do it to try to get stronger, or faster or throw harder. I didn't it because I was told it might be able to help me."

Help you in what way? Help you understand the complicated tax codes? Help you beat Tom Morello in Guitar Hero III? Help you get healthy enough to squeeze another $16 mill out of your career?

Also, if you're so sure you weren't a cheater, then why did you hide it for such a long time?

Personally, I don't really give a darn. I forgive all of 'em, contrite or not. I forgive Pete Rose. Just put him in the Hall of Fame so I don't have to listen to him talk anymore.

I'm just disgusted by the pushovers in the New York press who can't admit they were wrong about Good Guy Petitte the whole time.

Gaylord Perry cheated and wrote a book about it.

"The words are clearly expressed in the Hall of Fame's guidelines: 'Voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played.'

That's it. One sentence. That's what the members of the Baseball Writers Association of America entrusted with the responsibility of voting for the Hall of Fame are told to consider.

Big problem for Roger Clemens. Integrity. Sportsmanship. Character. These words do not mix well with the one Clemens will be called the rest of his life: cheater."

All true, but I think it's safe to say that the guidelines are vague and open for interpretation. I also think it's safe to say that the Hall of Fame is filled with unsavory characters.

What about cheating on your wife?

Is that a worse character flaw than taking steroids?


Read this sentence from the the introductory paragraph of Cap Anson's wikipedia page:

"His contemporary influence and prestige are regarded by historians as playing a major role in establishing the racial segregation in professional baseball that persisted until the late 1940s."

More:

"Anson was well known to be a racist and refused to play in exhibition games versus dark-skinned players. This attitude was not considered to be unusual in his day, and Anson remained very popular in Chicago while playing for the White Stockings. On August 10, 1883 Anson refused to play an exhibition game against the Toledo Blue Stockings because their catcher, Moses Fleetwood Walker, was African American. When Blue Stockings Manager Charlie Morton told Anson the White Stockings would forfeit the gate receipts if they refused to play, Anson backed down. On July 14, 1887 the Chicago White Stockings played an exhibition game against the Newark Little Giants. African American George Stovey was listed in the Newark News as the Little Giants' scheduled starting pitcher. Anson objected, and Stovey did not pitch. Moreover, International League owners had voted 6-to-4 to exclude African-American players from future contracts. In September 1888, Chicago was at Syracuse for an exhibition game, Anson refused to start the game when he saw Walker’s name on the scorecard as catcher. Again, Anson pressured his opponents to find a Caucasian replacement."

I suppose it must be okay because the attitude was not considered to be unusual in his day.

Maybe kind of like human growth hormone in Roger Clemens's day.

I happen to think Roger Clemens is a walking, talking S.O.B. of the highest order and still a better role model for the Youth of America than Cap Anson.


I'd also prefer the Youth of America take performance-enhancing substances than drink their liver into oblivion.


Surely, the voters would demand solid proof, no?:

"To say there is no absolute proof that Clemens used steroids is a distraction to reality. Short of Clemens admitting he used - which doesn't seem likely to happen any time soon - and actual video evidence of him injecting, it's never going to arrive.

What we know is that his steroid provider and injector, Brian McNamee, said Clemens used, that McNamee's statements that he provided other players with steroids have been verified, and that a man everyone regards as honest, Andy Pettitte, has said Clemens told him he used Human Growth Hormone."

Lame.

"So don't put Clemens in the Hall of Fame because there is a lack of proof that he used. There isn't."

Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo Stick, what the heck is that paragraph attempting to say? I've re-read it a dozen times and I can not figure it out.

First of all, I can't vote for Roger Clemens and neither can about 99.99% of your reading audience. But, rather than tackle today's sudoku, let me instead exercise my brain by trying to figure out the logical carousel:

Should I put Clemens in the Hall of Fame?

"No."

Why should I not put Clemens in the Hall of Fame?

"Because there is a lack of proof that he used steroids."

So I should put him in the Hall of Fame? Because there is a lack of proof that he used steroids.

"There isn't."

Oh, there isn't a lack of proof that he used steroids.

"Do not put Clemens in the Hall of Fame because there is not a lack of proof that he used steroids."

Wow! I think that's, like, a triple-negative. But I finally figured it out. He's not talking about a lack of proof. He's talking about a lack of a lack of proof.

How about re-wording thusly and thereby saving Felz about 10 minutes of his life?:

"Do not put Clemens in the Hall of Fame because there is substantial proof that he used steroids."

Maybe some crystal meth will cheer him up.

Golly, I sure hope Andy Pettitte can pull through:

"But it may be more than just a few uncomfortable questions. Who to be more critical than the masses? Not long ago, offensive signage, chants of 'Ster-oids, ster-oids' and needles thrown onto the playing field were just a few of the obstacles Barry Bonds faced when steroid accusations surrounded the former Giants slugger. Mussina witnessed another teammate's similar struggle and shook his head when reminded of opposing fans' taunts."

Pettitte will get a five-minute standing ovation the first time he appears at Yankee Steadium in 2008.

The fans at opponent ballparks won't be too negative, either.

Haven't you noticed the way he pulls his brim down low and glares at the batter?

Andy Pettitte is one of us. He's like your best man at your wedding. He's like your brother.

He didn't cheat like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. They're like murderers and rapists. He cheated like when you played beer pong in college.

What was the headline when Giambi's testimony was revealed?

I think it was something like ... ummm ... "Disgrace to the Pinstripes."

Probably slightly more clever than that.

I absolutely remember the outrage. A lot of foolish people said that the Yankees should just release Giambi and eat the remaining salary.

I haven't seen one columnist claim that Pettitte is a disgrace to the Yankee uniform. I haven't heard of one fan who's going to boycott Pettitte at Spring Training or trade in their season's tickets.

Oh, and Elijah Cummings shouldn't even worry about Roger Clemens. Go watch one episode of "The Wire," Mr. esteemed representative from Baltimore. Your city is falling apart, Sir.

Congressional Medal of Honor.

Confirmed cheater and liar whose own father gave him illegal performance-enhancing substances.

On the other hand, he wrote a book about God and often tells everybody how religious he is.

So, what's not to believe?

I'm not saying Roger reminds me of Samuel L. ...

... but "misremember" is a proper word and everybody knows what it means and everybody is putting it in quotation marks and making fun of Roger Clemens's English skills.

Told ya so.

My country.

ESPN Sports Nation poll:

What's the worst thing an athlete can do?

2% Cockfighting
16% Dogfighting
31% Performance-enhancing drugs
51% Not hustling

Maybe we should get Congress involved next time Matsui jogs out a 4-6-3 dp.

That play was Tyreefic!

I am probably the first person in the entire Universe to come up with that.

I thought of a few more:

-- If David Wright makes a good play, say he has "the Wright stuff."
-- "Pay-rod." Get it? (Because Alex Rodriguez is "paid" a lot.)
-- If Hideki Irabu makes a bad play, say "Ira-boo."
-- If Kosuke Fukudome makes a bad play, you're on your own.

Justin Tuck is sort of like Robert Kennedy. Only way more important.

After about one hundred articles where Lupica rips Giuliani for Giuliani's ghoulish and self-aggrandizing exploitation of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Lupica can not possibly draw comparisons between the Super Bowl and the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

It's not even in the realm of thoughts that can enter his head, because it's so impossible to conceive of such an impossible thought, that he'd have to reach a singularity.

Yet:

"The last time there were crowds like this on the streets of lower Manhattan, they had been heading north on the worst day the city has ever had."

On the day the Daily News hired Mike Lupica, why were crowds in lower Manhattan heading north?

Lupica has the heart of a champion.

I challenge anybody to read Lupica's article about Tynes in its entirety. A placekicker's brother is in jail, or something. Why am I supposed to care? Maybe it's a metaphor for something.

Point being, Mike Lupica is currently in Arizona preparing to write an article for tomorrow's Super Bowl. Please read that article. Digest it. Ponder it. Wallow in its mediocrity.

I can tell you right now what this article will say. I can write it from home in five minutes for free.

"It's the City that Never Sleeps. I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx, and Staten Island, too. The Big Apple, the Capital of the World.

If the Giants win this afternoon on a sun-scorched field near Phoenix, they will secure a legendary spot amongst New York stories. Not just New York sports stories, but New York stories.

How appropriate that the game is in Phoenix. Like the mythical bird itself, Eli & Co. will have risen from the ashes.

Except this is no myth.

This is now.

And this is New York.

This is not just Namath's prediction and Jeter;s flip: Eli (Peyton's Brother) Manning will take his honorific place beside Lumet and Breslin; the Power Broker and the Little Flower; King Kong and Son of Sam.

Bill Parcells once said to me, 'There are no moral victories.'

Perhaps not, but sometimes the Moral are Victorious.

Today, root for the Good Guys. C'mon, Eli: Win one for the Nice Guys.

Win one for all of us.

Win one for New York City.

You know what they say, Eli. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."

Throw in at least one boxing metaphor and at least one tenuous link to the Presidential race and you've got your big-deal Lupica Super Bowl article.

Really worth the plane ticket, huh?

Lisa Olson couldn't have done the same thing at a cut rate?

This ain't exactly Newton and Liebniz racing to discover calculus, a'ight?

As your eyes glaze over tomorrow morning, please remind yourself that the article you are reading was so important to the Daily News, that they evidently lost one of their writers because of it.

No mention of the 1-3 playoff record.

With or without Santana, the Mets ought to be favored to win the NL East. They've been favored to win the NL East for a while now. How many $100 million contracts are on their payroll?

I don't know if Klapisch himself is responsible for the link, but the link says, "Mets have sealed ticket to postseason." While it's admirable to some extent to express your opinions forcefully, the first reason the Mets might miss the postseason is injuries. Start there with possible reasons the Mets might miss the playoffs.

As for Santana, just how good does Klapisch think he's going to be?:

"Given that he'll be pitching in a fly ball stadium with the gifted Carlos Beltran in center, Santana could well finish the season with an ERA in the low to mid-2's. Obviously, he'll more than compensate for Tom Glavine's departure."

Low to mid-2's?

I think Santana is an obviously great pitcher and an obviously great pickup for the Mets. One of the favorites to win the NL Cy Young.

But an ERA in the low to mid-2's?

I'll believe it when I see it.


Let's talk now about the Yankees! It's a rule. When you talk about the Mets, you always have to talk about the Yankees:

"'I'm disappointed, I'm still kind of disappointed,' Hank Steinbrenner said.'I could've gotten [Santana], but I listened to my partner [Hank] and my general manager.'"

Does Hank Steinbrenner have a partner named [Hank]?

The Mets play in the NL.

With or without Santana, the Mets are more likely to win the World Series than the Yankees. The Mets don't have to play in the same division as the Red Sox.

It's kind of like how the Colts are probably a better team than the Giants. But the Colts play in a better league and, therefore, face a tougher playoff schedule.

"No more excuses, Mets. You'd better win."

I love Mike Lupica.

The Yankees could spend $250,000 on a backup catcher and Lupica would chastise them for trying to "buy" a World Series.

In 2007, the Mets had the highest payroll in the NL and they couldn't even make the playoffs.

Their predictable response is to try to get better by spending more money.

They have now bought ... jeez, I can't even keep track ... Pedro, Beltran, Santana, Delgado, the lefty closer guy ...

What a bunch of soulless mercenaries, right?

Does Lupica avoid similar criticism and endlessly praise the lovable Mets?

You bet!:

"Did they overpay for Santana? You bet. So does everybody when the player they want and the player they need and the one they think can put them over the top is sitting right there, practically begging to come to their team."

Santana, by the way, is now the highest-paid pitcher in baseball history.

Santana, by the way, is a choker with zero Championship rings.

Thugs.

This may help explain why the Union fights back when MLB asks for urine tests:

"MLB asked umpires to sign authorizations allowing the sport to conduct financial backgrounds checks, but umps balked.

'We did not anticipate that they would approach neighbors posing as a close colleague and friend of the umpire's and asking them questions such as: Do you know if umpire "X" is a member of the Ku Klux Klan? Does he grow marijuana plants? Does he beat his wife? Have you seen the police at his home? Does he throw wild parties?'"

There ought to be an Umpire "X." Wears a mask to hide his identity. Cuts off a manager's body part if the manager argues with him too much. "The Abominable Umpire X."

"'To try to link our umpires to the Ku Klux Klan is highly offensive. It is essentially defaming the umpires in their communities by conducting a very strange and poorly executed investigation. It resembles kind of secret police in some kind of despotic nation.'"

Also, the Union is legally obligated to fight back.