It's not really a baseball analysis at all, it's just a measure of one's uptightness.

Stumbled on this article while looking at A.J Burnett's page at baseball-reference.com, just to confirm that Burnett's lifetime ERA is better than Josh Beckett's.

By a whole 0.01 earned runs per nine innings.

But it just reminded me of a lot of chatter I've heard lately:

"The rehab setback by Andy Pettitte could be just temporary, but the thought has to arise the injury could be more severe than initially diagnosed. There is also the possibility he may have to pitch with some level of discomfort the rest of the season. Will the Yankees even see the same version of Pettitte when he returns? Also, what if Pettitte can’t return in 2010 what will the Yanks do the rest of the season?"

Answer to question #1: Who knows?

Answer to question #2: Probably win the AL East. The "rest of the season" being less than 50 games.


"You could argue that Pettitte was statistically the ace of the staff. His 139 ERA+ led all starters and was his best since 2002. Only CC Sabathia has shown the same type of consistency this year, and he even had his down period. With two games separating the Yanks and Rays in the AL East, consistency will be paramount to success, especially in the starting rotation."

Do the Rays exhibit consistency in their starting rotation?

Do the Red Sox?

Does anybody?

For the millionth time, the 2010 Yankees are not being challenged by the 1998 Yankees. I think the chances of holding off the Rays are 50%-50%. The chances of holding of the Rays and the Red Sox for the wild card are probably about 90%-10%.


"Can you win a postseason series with both A.J. Burnett and Javier Vazquez starting a game? What about Phil Hughes innings? Can they win with a postseason bullpen sans Hughes? This small injury setback has so many ramifications."

You go to a three-man rotation if you have to, but, yeah ... the Yankees can win a postseason series with Burnett and Vazquez starting a game.

Just like they could lose a postseason series with Pettitte starting a game.


"It appears Dustin Moseley needs to be every bit Aaron Small if Pettitte doesn’t return this season. There just doesn’t seem to be any better options. Right now I am putting the 'cart before the horse,' but the injury setback to Pettitte is an ominous sign."

Yeah, I really don't understand the incessant desire to "worry" Yankee fans.

The Yankees are cruising to 100 wins, best record in baseball, and are the current champs. Pettitte has a slight rehab setback and it's time to get worried.

"Yankees are great" is just a boring story.

My open letter to Mark Teixeira.

Dear Mr. Teixeira,

The Yankees pay you $20 million per year to play baseball and the Yankees
are currently involved in a pennant race.

If you'd like to refund the money so you can witness your wife give birth,
that's still not acceptable. I am considering a class action lawsuit.

I know some say that witnessing a childbirth is a life-changing experience.
Last night, I was forced to watch Marcus Thames bat against right-handed
pitching and, believe me, that is also a life-changing experience.

I expect to see you back at work today. That's why it's called work.

Your pal,
Darren

AL Cy Young.

Is there an obvious choice to run away with the AL Cy Young Award?

Could this be the year Mariano wins it?

I am an accountant, not a sportswriter.

"Of course we started reading at the end of the week that the Yankees might be interested in Jose Guillen.

The Yankees, 'budget' aside, would be interested in Ozzie Guillen if they thought he could still play.

No kidding, how long before we hear that is coming home, via the waiver wire?"

1. "Started reading" is not much of a source. I "started reading" that human life started on Mars, and it was probably reptilian life.

2. Every team should be interested in every available player. Determine if that player meets their needs and fits their budget.

3. If the Dodgers -- Manny's third team, by the way -- agreed to pay half of Manny's salary, then sign him up tomorrow. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Lupica wasn't outraged when Manny signed with Boston and with LA, busting budgets, ruining competition, etc.

Did it ever occur to Lupica by looking at the standings that payroll is not as closely linked to success as he thinks it is?

Ahem ...

"There is this idea that the Mets could solve all their problems by throwing more money at them, even with a payroll that tops out over $130 million and puts them in the top five in baseball.

But if that's true, how come the Rays are where they are at nearly $60 million less than that?

And the Padres are in first place at almost $90 million less than the Mets are spending?

Again and again:

The problem isn't the money the Mets haven't spent.

It's the money they have spent."

Mike Lupica wrote that.

After a decade-plus of incessantly ridiculing the Yankee payroll -- in all seriousness, Mike Lupica mocks the Yankee payroll in almost every article he writes, baseball-related or not -- Mike Lupica says you can't build a winning baseball team just by throwing money at it.

Alex Rodriguez. Shall we discuss Alex Rodriguez?

Every player is getting older.

In fact, every person is getting older.

If fact, every thing in the Universe is getting older.

The only exception is Mariano Rivera, and that's just because He is the Unknowable Immortal Essence that created the Universe in the first place:

"Now that he's eased everyone's angst over his 600th homer - only to renew it by getting struck in the shin by a batting practice line drive Saturday - Alex Rodriguez can reset his sights on a far less daunting number: 25. That would be 25 homers this season, which would be his lowest total since 1997, but considering his present pace, may not be so easy to attain."

If he's healthy, he'll get 25 HRs. It's only 8 more. Also, 130 RBIs or so.

To be fair, I'm not that impressed with .275/30/130 RBIs/90 runs.

The RBIs are mostly a result of his positioning in baseball's best lineup.


"One thing is certain about A-Rod as he resumes his climb toward Barry Bonds' bogus Mount Olympus mark of 762 homers or even Hank Aaron's legit 755: He's slowing down. The combination of age (35) and injury, minus any performance-enhancing drugs, would appear to be working against him - and, if so, that is ominous news for the Yankees, who will be paying him an average of $27.5 million per season through 2017 hoping to cash in themselves on his becoming baseball's all-time home run king."

Next article he writes will be imploring the Yankees to pay Jeter whatever Jeter wants.


Look, Madden is smart enough to know that the players are not even paid for the production on the baseball field. Indirectly, sure. But ARod is mostly paid to draw people to the ballpark and eyes to the television set and, on a rare occasion for unfortunate souls who are stuck driving their cars, ears to the Sterling/Waldman radio broadcast.

Come to the park to cheer him, come to the park to boo him, just as long as you come to the park.


"It should be remembered that the 10-year, $275 million extension the Yankees gave A-Rod back in 2008 was Hank Steinbrenner's deal, not Brian Cashman's, but it is Cashman who must live with it and manipulate his roster around what figures to be a gradually fading superstar whose primary value to the team three to four years from now will be his asterisked pursuit of the home run record."

Are you really saying that you think a 39-year-old Alex Rodriguez is going to have no value as an everyday baseball player?

You're really sure of that?

Like, the Yankees are going to bench ARod during road games and then trot him out there as a DH (batting ninth) on home games, just so the home fans can trudge to a near-empty ballpark to watch a .212-hitting bum swing for the fences?


"But getting back to A-Rod's pursuit of the all-time record: It would certainly seem as if it's going to require a bit of a push for him to hit 25 homers this year alone - no telling how much time he'll miss because of Saturday's mishap - and his hip problems along with advancing age and the likelihood of him playing in fewer games in future seasons make 762 or 755 look like long-odds propositions."

ARod only needs 8 HRs to get to 25 this year. In the smallest ballpark in the whole, wide world. He'll probably get to 30 (no great shakes).

Yes, Alex Rodriguez is undoubtedly having his worst offensive year, but isn't it a little early to be digging this guy's grave?

When was the last time Evan Longoria hit a HR? (Three HRs in July.)

When is the last time Jeter hit a HR? (One HR since June 13.)

When's the last time Jason Bay hit a HR? (June 29.)

Basically, if you're not a Toronto Blue Jay, your HR production is down.


The pursuit of Ruth, Aaron, Bonds is stupid. ARod isn't really talking about it. Maybe the sportswriters should stop talking about it.

Nice job, Berkman.

Alex Rodriguez is the first thing you've hit hard in two weeks.


Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.

Longoria's pursuit of #76 imperils Tampa's season.

With only two HRs in his last twenty-two games, Evan Longoria's HR slump is not only distracting to his teammates, it has now clearly imperiled the entire Tampa Bay season.

After tonight's loss, the Rays have slipped into a first-place tie with the Yankees.

Suzyn Waldman's Keys to the Game.

I don't listen to her enough, but it would be funny to keep a log of her "keys to the game." It is almost inevitably for the Yankee pitchers to throw strikes and for the Yankee batters to be patient and wait for a good pitch to hit.

Today, with sinkerballer Dustin Moseley starting for the Yankees, Suzyn Waldman's key was for ... Dustin Moseley to keep his sinkers low.

Thanks for the insight, Dave Duncan.

Yankees lose two in a row.

"It is now hard to remember exactly when Alex Rodriguez smacked homer No. 599. Was it during the Clinton presidency, or was the elder Bush still in office?"

It was so long ago, it was around the last time you wrote a funny line in your column.


"A-Rod's slump, his failure in the face of camera flashes, is starting to swallow the season."

Season over.

Clean out your lockers and start interviewing ESPN analysts for the vacant manager's job.


"Good rule of thumb in Tabloid New York: You're only as good as your last four games, in which case the Yankees are a .250 club, Rodriguez has lost his confidence, and the club's rotation is no longer scaring anyone."

In "Tabloid New York," he says.

Like he's in on the joke.

Like he knows he's a joke.

That's a stupid rule of thumb that only a stupid person would suggest it is a rule of thumb.

It must be Dave Eiland's fault.

LOVE the two walks directly following the two HRs.

Burnett is gutless.

Write an article criticizing the Mets' deadline moves. Oh. They didn't make any.

"And Cashman is the one who thought the Yankees could win with Granderson and Johnson instead of Hideki Matsui and. So now Berkman, whose home run totals really have dropped like an anchor over the side of a boat, is the DH that Matsui could have been for one more year at the Stadium, and Kearns becomes another outfielder."

Mike Lupica is talking about Johnny Damon again.

Oh, and the Yankees have the best record in baseball. So they're kinda winning.


"Berkman is 13 homers, 49 RBI, a .245 batting average. Matsui? He is 14 and 55 and .251 with the Angels, and you can only imagine what his numbers would look like with the kind of boppers the Yankees would have put around him again. Damon is .281 for the Tigers, seven homers, 32 RBI, not up to his Yankee standards. But you think those numbers aren't better hitting behind Jeter and ahead of Teixeira, and the right-field wall beckoning at the Stadium?

Seriously, if you're a Yankee fan, you want to go to war with Matsui and Damon, or with this year's trade-deadline saviors?"

They all pretty much stink. But Damon and Matsui can't field anymore and the Astros are paying $10 million of Berkman's salary. So what's the problem here?

Also, did you just disrespect Detroit leadoff hitter Austin Jackson? The all-star that Cashman should have never traded? Wow.


"This isn't just about Yankee money, even though you'd think the Yankees, at $210 million (what happened to the 'budget'?), would be more fully-formed at this point in the season."

$210M is the budget. If Cashman had stuck with Matsui and Damon, the payroll would be a lot more. Then, you'd complain about that.


"This is about the weird insecurity around a team that is loaded with All-Stars and legends and came into Saturday with a record of 65-37 and seems to be well on its way to another 100-win season."

No, it's not that at all. It's small-impact deadline deals to improve the bench and the bullpen.

But I love that Lupica has given up on the gritty Red Sox and his favorite cheater Big Papi and his favorite closer Papelbon and his favorite GM Epstein.


"Will the Yankees beat them out of first place in the East in the end? That's the way to bet.

And that's not the real question here.The question goes something like this:Why do the Yankees seem to be so worried that they can't?"

This is not an "insecure" move by a panicky team. Lupica is just projecting his own Napoleon Syndrome psychological problems.

When the facts don't fit Lupica's story, Lupica just bends the facts.



What Lupica is demonstrating is that he's going to criticize Cashman no matter what.

Interest in Lee? That's overkill.

Do nothing? That's arrogance. (Look out for the Rays and also the return of Josh Beckett!)

Tweak the team at the cost of Mark Melancon? That's panicky, too.

It's Cashman's job to be panicky, by the way, but this is just minor tweaking. Maybe Minaya and Epstein should be more panicky.

First of all, you don't know if Fred McGriff took steroids.

"McGriff is a victim here. If all those players who took performance-enhancing drugs while he played were cheating baseball, McGriff may have lost the most. Together, all those crooks with the cartoon biceps and inflated statistics made his numbers look ordinary by comparison. They made 30 home runs look tiny. They made 100 RBIs look pedestrian. Their counterfeit accomplishments diminished McGriff, making him look less dangerous, less special. They stole from McGriff like an Internet swindler with your bank account number."

Secondly: 162-game average of .284, 32 HRs, 102 RBIs.

That's a HOF first baseman?

You can eliminate the first baseman who bloated their stats with steroids -- some speculation has to occur, of course -- Bagwell, Palmeiro, McGwire, Giambi, Ortiz, Vaughn -- and McGriff is still not a HOFer.

Because, to get into the HOF as a first baseman, you have to compare yourself to players like Gehrig and Greenberg.

This is an amazing confession.

I did not read the whole thing, but Lupica is basically setting up the Yankees vs. Rays in the ALCS.

This means Lupica is suggesting:

1) The Yankees will make the playoffs despite the lack of Johnny Damon.

2) The Red Sox will not make the playoffs.

Just a month or so ago, wasn't I supposed to be, like, worried about the Red Sox?

Only a fool says "sure thing."

Injuries, death, re-polarization of the Earth. All of these things can hinder Alex Rodriguez in his pursuit of 763 HRs:

"Homer No. 600 is not arriving easily for Alex Rodriguez, which only makes No. 763 more distant, more debatable, than ever."

More distant and debatable than ever?

Thirteen years ago, when Alex Rodriguez was a minor leaguer, 763 HRs was very distant.

Thirty-six years ago, before Alex Rodriguez was born, one would have probably lost the debate between choosing the Unborn Slugger over Hank Aaron.

Ten-thousand years ago baseball didn't even exist.

200 million years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, none of them had even heard of baseball and none of them even spoke. How does Bondy suppose dinosaurs debated the odds of ARod becoming the eventual HR king in a sport that didn't even exist?

Can we at least admit that, while Alex Rodriguez's 763rd HR is certainly no guarantee, it's closer to reality than it was 200 million years ago?

Who knew the human race would evolve; then language for debating; then baseball; then Alex Rodriguez would be born; etc?

Dinosaurs weren't concerned with Alex Rodriguez. Dinosaurs were all just walking around thinking, "It's so long ago."


"A-Rod should finish with about 27 homers this year at his current pace, for a total of 610. He will need 153 more, with his power theoretically waning. He would require seven more seasons, averaging 22 homers, playing until age 42."

Wow.

You just made it sound downright easy.

In fact ... I'll go ahead and say it ... "it's a sure thing."


"Rodriguez has those seven years remaining on his contract with the Yankees, who will feel no obligation to play him regularly if he can't help win a pennant. The Yanks aren't big on novelties, just rings.

The more likely scenario is that the Yanks eventually pick up the bulk of his remaining contract while Rodriguez finishes as a DH with a smaller market club. And that is only if he remains healthy and strong enough, without the aid of tested PEDs."

HA HA HA. That's a likely scenario? The Yankees are trading ARod to a smaller market club? Paying ARod to hit HRs for a competing AL team? Why, so the Yankees can maybe open up the DH spot for Juan Miranda?

HA HA HA. The guy who pushed attendance past the 4 million mark? The guy who sells more tee-shirts than any other player, with the possible exception of Jeter?


The Yankees are SOOOOO big on novelties.

The Yankees built incentives for HR novelties directly into ARod's contract, for cryin' out loud.

You could buy a Steinbrenner/Sheppard combo memorial tee-shirt before either of them were buried. Cha-ching! (Probably not offically licensed merchandise.)

You can wear that tee-shirt with your Yankee Stadium hat while gazing lovingly at your Mariano Rivera figurine.

Clemens got his 300th win! Jeter has more singles than Edgar Martinez! Posada has 1,000 RBIs!

Specially-marked ball, y'all, to commemorate Francisco Cervelli's 10th sac bunt as a member of the Yankees. Whoopee!


Hideki Matsui bats .600+ in the Word Series and the Yankees win number Championship number 27. In less than one minute, Matsui is on the field wearing NYY Championship merchandise. "I gratefully accept the MVP trophy on behalf of my teammates and Modell's sporting goods."


I mean, the only reason the Yankees love rings so much is because rings move the merch.

Yes, the Yankees are going to trade ARod to KC if he approaches Bonds's records. Because the Yankees just want the Royals to boost their profits.

Mind experiment.

Imagine if Jonathan Albaladejo had an ERA of 5.95.

He probably would be ridiculed by fans on his way back to the minors.


Imagine if Joba was 35 years old instead of 25 years old.

His 2010 season would herald the end of his career.


Imagine if Joba performed this poorly as a starter.

The fans would clamor for him to become a reliever.


So why the disconnect between perception and reality?

It's amazing that once minds are made up -- once a reputation has been established -- they simply don't change despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Amen.

"It wasn't the fact I didn't want to give up the 600th," explained the Royals starter yesterday. "I didn't want to give up [Colin Curtis'] second. I just wanted to keep us in the ballgame here."

Plus, he won the game.

Plus, he didn't pitch around ARod.

Praise for Kyle Davies.

Andy Pettitte is a cheater and a liar.

Andy Pettitte is still a Yankee fan favorite and a sportswriter favorite. Talk has started about Pettitte's HOF credentials.

Pettitte is often inexplicably and falsely referred to as a "lifetime Yankee," as if he never played for the Astros.

Pettitte unashamedly praised Steinbrenner in the wake of Steinbrenner's death, but Pettitte sang a different tune eight years ago when he signed with Houston and unfavorably compared Steinbrenner to ultra-Christian Drayton McLane.


Now, if you want to talk about frauds who get a pass, we can talk about David Ortiz. Big Papi. The gap in his toothy smile is disarming and we love him.

All of us love Big Papi, Mike Lupica most of all:

"Speaking of No. 13 of the Yankees:

He has put some remarkable numbers into the books, and 600 career home runs is right at the top of the list."

Arguably, one of the top five baseball players ever.

"No one will ever know how much steroids helped him get there this fast."

Tim Smith knows. He probably has a desk right down the hall, so just ask him.

No one knows if Griffey took steroids. Right?

No one knows if Jeter took steroids.

No one knows if Jon Lester and Dustin Pedroia took steroids.

I mean, I get that ARod lost some benefit of the doubt, but the all-or-nothing, prove-a-negative logic isn't a compelling argument.

"No one will ever know if he really used performance-enhancing drugs only during the three years he said he used them when he was with the Texas Rangers.

When he said he didn't know what he was taking, didn't know what the drugs actually did for him, but kept taking them for three whole years, anyway.

So now that he has arrived at this milestone, you ask yourself the same thing you did when he copped to taking the drugs in the spring of 2009:

How is he different from Mark McGwire, even in the minds of Yankee fans?"

Let's see:

1) Most importantly, ARod's a Yankee and Mark McGwire was never a Yankee. That's the most obvious way ARod is different from Mark McGwire.

I mean, McGwire is the batting coach in St. Louis. I'm not sure what he teaches the players on the team. "Guys, I can't help you unless you take some 'roids. That's all I've got."

"How is he different from Barry Bonds, who says he only used a substance called 'the clear' accidentally?"

Let's see:

1) Most importantly, ARod's a Yankee and Barry Bonds was never a Yankee.

2) ARod has a ring. Bonds never got a ring.

"How is he different from Sammy Sosa?"

1) Most importantly, ARod's a Yankee and Sosa was never a Yankee.

2) ARod has a ring. Sosa never got a ring.

3) Stolen bases.

4) Fielding.

Oh, and another difference is that ARod admitted to his steroid use and talked about it.

Perhaps not a big difference, but you asked.

"If he gets a pass, they get a pass."

Yes, they all get passes ... if Pettitte, Ortiz, Ivan Rodriguez, Randy Velarde, and Troy Glaus get passes ... ARod gets a pass.


Besides, are Yankee fans leading the anti-Bonds, anti-McGwire, anti-Palmeiro charge? I don't think most Yankee fans/ARod supporters are keeping McGwire out of the HOF. That's the sportswriters, cherry-picking ethics based on a player's perceived contrition rather than on-field accomplishments.


Does Alex Rodriguez really gets a pass in New York? In your entire life, you've never seen a player so prolific treated so poorly by ignorant, spoiled fans.

Let's not forget how the reigning MVP was booed and ... I'm not making this one up ... it wasn't uncommon as recently as 2009 for pundits to suggest that Cody Ransom was a better teammate than Alex Rodriguez.

Can you imagine the endless coverage if ARod had pulled a Johan Santana? It makes front page news if ARod sunbathes in Central Park.


Back to the main point: Is Lupica seriously looking to sports fans for moral certitude?

He's not really wondering why Yankee fans embrace their own players, is he?

Doesn't Lupica understand yet? If Bernie Madoff had a tight slider, he could replace Joba tomorrow.

I think Lupica really understands. Lupica just doesn't like ARod and he doesn't like the Yankees and he doesn't like Yankee fans.


The reason Yankee fans are suddenly embracing ARod is because the Yankees won the World Series in 2009. That's the mind of a fan. Endorphins are released in our brains when our team wins and we associate good feelings with the players on that team.

Alex Rodriguez will be elected to baseball's Hall of Fame.

The problem with an article like this is that you have to wait fifteen years to say "I told ya so":

"It must be the emptiest feeling in the world, knowing that the thing he wanted to accomplish the most - to be the greatest home run hitter ever - will be attainable. But that if he gets there, it won't mean a thing because it won't be acknowledged with an entry into the Hall of Fame. It will be like baseball purgatory. Good thing Rodriguez has his newfound love of the game to comfort him."

It's the emptiest feeling in the whole world. Making $27,500,000 per year and getting ready to hit his 600th HR. Playing baseball every night for a living.

I'm surprised ARod has the strength to get out of bed in the morning.


The rest of it is comparing ARod's steroid use to the Black Sox scandal.

Because Shoeless Joe Jackson is not in the HOF, Tim Smith concludes that ARod will not make the HOF.

Tim Smith is incorrect.


Check that -- I am almost 100% certain that Tim Smith is incorrect.

ARod's HOF credentials will be argued for the next decade-and-a-half.

By then, I predict many admitted steroid users will be voted into the HOF and all of them will have weaker stats than ARod.

But it's kind of nonsensical and arrogant for Tim Smith, of all people, to proclaim that ARod will be excluded from the HOF.

Tim Smith has figured it out already.

Tim Smith has polled all the writers who will be voting 15, 20 years from now.

Jeter should ask for $50 cajillion dollars per year.

"Give it to me or I'll go play for the Mets."

"But it's an imaginary number, Derek."

"Make it happen, Hal. Or. I. Will. Go. Play. For. The. Mets.":


"There's no doubt that the Yankees will pay him whatever it takes to keep him."

Correct.


"But his struggles are costing him tens of millions of dollars on whatever contract he signs this offseason, which will probably be the last contract he ever signs."

Incorrect.


Also, if the first sentence is true, then the second sentence is false.

A Good Pitcher is the answer to every team's problem.

"It didn't take long for to turn all of Brian Cashman's proclamations about not looking for another starting pitcher before the July 31 trade deadline into sheer folly.

Hughes has been fantastic for much of this All-Star season. But he was far from stellar in the opening game of a two-game series against the Angels, giving up six runs in five-plus innings in a 10-2 loss at the Stadium Tuesday night."

If Hughes had pitched a Perfect Game and struck out 27 batters last night, I fail to see how that would have altered Cashman's strategy regarding the other pitchers in the Yankees' starting rotation.

The Yankees will likely add inconsequential pitching depth and inconsequential bench depth before the trade deadline.

Unless you're talking about someone who's better than Mitre -- someone who might supplant Burnett/Vazquez in the playoff rotation -- then it's really inconsequential.


"Burnett, Pettitte and now a rare bad start by Hughes don't make the Yankees look like the juggernaut they appeared to be before the All-Star break."

The Yankees have only played four games after the All-Star break.

During that time, the Yankees took two out of three from Tampa, which was fairly juggernauty.


"No need to push the panic button. It's not the Mets' rotation of Johan Santana followed by a wing and a prayer, but the Yankees need to add some insurance to the rotation if they want to maintain their lead in the AL East."

No need to push the panic button, so I'm going to push the panic button.


"With Hughes' innings limitations, the Pettitte injury and Burnett's inconsistency, it would be very prudent for Cashman to start working the phones harder to land another starter before the trading deadline."

Okay: Before Pettitte's injury and before Hughes's bad start on Tuesday, Cashman almost pulled off a deal for Cliff Lee.

"Working the phones even harder" means what? Trading Cano for Oswalt? Trading Jeter for Halladay? Trading Thames and Cervelli for Westbrook?


Every team could always use more starting pitching depth. Also, more bench depth, bullpen depth, infield depth, outfield depth, or maybe an extra pinch runner.

Without a cost-benefit analysis or even a proposed trade, it's just a useless idea.

It could have happened to anybody ...

... it's just funnier when it happens to the Dodgers:

"Dodgers hitting coach Don Mattingly, who had to take over after the separate ejections of manager Joe Torre and bench coach Bob Schaefer, went to the mound for a chat with Broxton before Torres came up. Mattingly took a few steps back off the dirt toward the dugout before turning around and advising first baseman James Loney what depth to play at.

Bochy came out to protest to plate umpire Adrian Johnson that Mattingly's about-face constituted a second trip to the mound. The umpires huddled and agreed, and Broxton had to leave the game."

I hope one day I can play poker with Larry Brooks.

"I am betting a lot of money. This indicates I have an excellent hand. Therefore, if you don't have a similarly excellent hand, you should fold. Because I have an excellent hand and, if you match my bet, you will lose a lot of money.

Think about it, Larry.

Why would I bet a lot of money if I didn't have an excellent hand? It makes no sense":

"Now, that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for Cashman to go out and get Roy Oswalt, who may not be a fit moving from the NL Central to the AL East; or Ted Lilly, who might not be able to keep the ball in the ballpark; or Brett Myers, who has the Type A personality the Yankees would be wise to avoid.

It does mean, however, that if Mitre goes his usual four innings-plus in his first couple of starts, Cashman would be obliged to acquire an arm who could get the Yankees through six innings and then move into the bullpen upon Pettitte’s return to health and the rotation."

The Yankees are going to make a move for a mediocre pitcher and Brian Cashman, like every other GM in the history of everything, isn't obliged to tip his hand.

It's funny that Cashman acquired ARod under-the-radar almost got Cliff Lee under-the-radar, but then Larry Brooks expects Cashman to advertise the Yankee pursuit of ... Ted Lilly?

Some days are easier than others.

This article from the LA Times:

"But Joe Torre said he feels energetic for his age, adding that if he decides not to return as Dodgers manager next season, it won't be because of any fears he'll be taking naps in the dugout."


Then, this article from USA Today:

"But if there's one bone observers tend to pick with Torre, it's his use (or occasional overuse) of key relievers. Sunday, after summoning his All-Star closer in the eighth inning only to see him fail in the ninth, Torre admitted he was in the wrong."

Yankees react to CRISIS with potentially MINOR TRADE.

"After the A.J. Burnett cut hand fiasco of the day before, there was a quietly desperate need on the Yankees' part to restore order in their universe, not to mention their three-game lead on the second-place Tampa Bay Rays."

Golly.

It was a big series and a battle for first place.

But now the Yankees aren't even allowed one-game losing streaks.


"That they succeeded - only after Joe Girardi found himself facing an against-all-odds situation just 2 1/3 innings into Sunday's game - can be viewed as both a testament to their championship mettle and the young Rays' lack of killer instinct."

It was a weird game. Price pitched poorly. The Yankees scored a lot of runs with two outs and the Rays couldn't capitalize on their opportunities.

I wouldn't read too much into it.


"It also makes you wonder if the Yankees can win the American League East on automatic pilot without having to go out and pay the new ransom it is going to take to temporarily replace Andy Pettitte."

That game makes you wonder if the Yankees can win the American League East on automatic pilot?

I can easily answer that question.

No.

The Yankees can't win the American League East on automatic pilot.


"Of course, we all know that isn't the way the Yankees do business when crises like this arise, in which their most consistent starting pitcher suddenly goes down - "
They sign Roger Clemens.


"Just because it was Hal Steinbrenner on the scene in the front office Sunday, and not his dad, it didn't mean Brian Cashman wasn't already on the case, dialing up the Arizona Diamondbacks about Dan Haren, the Chicago Cubs about Ted Lilly and the Cleveland Indians about Fausto Carmona."

That's a BLOCKBUSTER.


Go away, Bill Madden, and keep gloating about how you got the book out before Steinbrenner died. Congratulations on moving extra units.

Joba's got that 'pen swag back.

1-4, 5.79 ERA.

It's a fascinating example of collective cognitive dissonance.

As a (mostly) starter in 2009, Joba was 9-6, 4.75 ERA, and It Was Decided that he belonged in the 'pen. When he stinks in the 'pen, nobody cares. Because It Was Decided, that's why.

Hicks is plural for Hick.

That's not my line.

That's the hilarious line Lupica used last week when Lupica was mocking the Rangers for signing ARod a decade ago and for guiding the Rangers to bankruptcy.

So now the Rangers are trading prospects for a rent-a-player. But since that rent-a-player is a player the Yankees also wanted to rent, the Rangers are now Lupica's favorite team:

"This was a pretty amazing day in baseball, not because of anything that happened on the field, but because the did not get Cliff Lee. The Yankees almost always get what they want when they want it. Yankees didn't get their man Friday. Man bites dog."

Cashman will probably go after Lee in the offseason as a Pettitte replacement.

I think the All-Star-Worthy ascension of Gardner will make Cashman think twice about Crawford.

In any case, this is why Lupica is wrong, and I hate to bring common sense into the formula, but here it is: If the Yankees had really wanted Lee, they'd have gotten Lee. It's easy to do. Just sweeten the pot with, say, Cano, Hughes, Joba, and Cervelli. Throw in seven prospects. Let's see the Rangers top that.


"Lee goes instead to the Texas Rangers, a team that came into Friday's games with a record four games worse than the Yankees but 5-1/2 games better than the Angels in the AL West. Now they add one of the best pitchers in the world. The Yankees know that about Cliff Lee as well as anybody after the last World Series."

I just think it's funny that Lee gave up five runs in his second WS start last year, but, since he gave up most of those runs late in a game that he won, everybody acts like he pitched two shutouts.

I'm not diminishing the value of Lee on a playoff team -- I'd be more worried about facing the Rangers in a five-game series than a seven-game series.

But let's just not give the rings to the Rangers quite yet, huh?

Lupica's anti-Yankee mania is not allowing him to see clearly.


"But then this is the constant, continuing bliss of operating in a world without a salary cap. If the Yankees did have to spend the same money as everybody else, well, why even go there? It's a thought too horrible to contemplate."

The Yankees passed on Beltran, Santana, Halladay, Damon, Matsui, and I think they will also pass on Crawford.

The Yankees did not acquire Pujols, Rolen, Ichiro, or Mauer. Though they're sort of constantly accused of collecting every All Star in Hyperbole World, they don't collect every All Star.


The Yankees did not trade Cervelli, Gardner, Joba, Hughes, or Cano.

The Yankees also did not trade Huffman, Curtis, Russo, and other minor contributors.

If you want to include veterans from the farm system, well, I think you already know their names and the rings they've accumulated.

Though they're sort of accused of trading every prospect in Hyperbole World, they don't trade every prospect. They pick precise opportunities.


"You get that idea even as the Yankees look like the best team in baseball again, look as if they are ready to roll after Mark Teixeira's slow start, Alex Rodriguez's slow start, despite Nick Johnson's disappearance and the fact that Curtis Granderson hasn't shown up yet, not really."

Mike Lupica just said the Yankees are the best team in baseball.

Even without Johnny Damon.


"Maybe he didn't want people to get the idea, because of Nick Johnson and Granderson, because the Yankees let Johnny Damon just walk away - to the first-place Tigers - that maybe the Yankees hadn't improved quite as much as they could between the last out of the World Series and now."

Dude loves Johnny Damon, what can I say? It's bizarre that all the Yankee fans and players pine about Damon about as much as they pine about Jerry Hairston. But Lupica is obsessed with Damon, and only Lupica is obsessed with Damon.

I think the 2010 Yankees have two better outfielders than 2010 Johnny Damon. Granderson will have a big second half, which will make three.


But it's hardly the point.

Lupica continually rips the Yankees for spending money ... while also ripping the Yankees for passing on Damon.


2010 Damon, by the way, is batting .271 with 5 HRs and 24 RBIs. He has a lot of runs scored and a decent on-base%. But given the fielding prowess of Granderson? The 2010 Yankees just might have three OFers better than 2010 Damon already.

Could Damon DH for the 2010 Yankees? Sure. Fat Nick got hurt and Thames is mostly useless.

But would Damon DH instead of Posada? I doubt it.


Now, maybe one reason Cashman passed on Damon/Matsui is so he'd have the liquid assets to make a mid-season play at Cliff Lee.

Which he did.

Because he's smart like that.

Besides, the wrong time to rip Cashman's stewardship of the team is when they're in the midst of a West Coast sweep and on pace to win 104 games.

Jinx.

Doesn't mean much in the scheme of things, but I just find it amusing that Lupica warns Yankee fans about the Red Sox on Sunday and the plucky Red Sox are 4.5 games back, and in third place, by Thursday.

Not that it affects Lupica's shtick.

If the Red Sox lose twenty in a row and Big Papi bats .210, the next boogeymen will be the Rays + Evan Longoria ... or the Rangers + Josh Hamilton ... or any team that is above .500 + any pitcher on that team who throws a shutout at any time during the season.


The Yankees are current champs and enjoy the best record in baseball, but Yankee fans should be panicking.

Because the Yankees might not win the World Series.

Why did Charlie Manuel add Omar Infante to the All Star team?

Jeff Passan is puzzled:

"This was the choice of one man, Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, who did something remarkable: delivered baseball its worst All-Star ever on his own volition."

Worst All Star ever? The guy's batting .300, for crying out loud.

If you include replacement All Stars, there is no way Omar Infante is the worst All Star ever.

I could so easily find worse All Stars. I can probably find a worse All Star each and every year. But I'll just chalk it up to hyperbole. Passan isn't being literal.


"Nor was Manuel satisfying some sort of positional need. He’s got Brandon Phillips to back up Martin Prado at second base and Jose Reyes to spell Hanley Ramirez at shortstop. And, thanks to a new rule, one designated player who leaves the game can re-enter – and Prado, a former utilityman who has played every position but center field and catcher, could fill that role."

Wrong.

Of course Joey Votto deserves to be on the All Star team, etc., etc. Every year, dozens of underserving players miss out. Lucky for them. Take a few days off and catch up on episodes of "Dancing With the Stars." (Sorry, Lupica, you don't have a copyright on that particular cultural reference.)

Jose Reyes is hurt right now and, even if it's a minor injury, there really is no reason for the Mets to allow him to play in the All Star game. So Jeff Passan's solution is that Martin Prado plays every infield position for the whole game?


In any case, the decision to include Infante is not puzzling at all. You can ask Charlie Manuel and I know 100% what he's going to say.

Manuel chose Infante because the NL All Stars has enough power-hitting first basemen and Manuel is looking for some diverse skill sets which may provide decision-making flexibility.

Heck, if I was composing a roster, I probably don't need Joey Votto when I've already got Albert Pujols, Ryan Howard, and Adrian (don't call me Juan) Gonzalez.


Tie game, ninth inning and I need a homerun. Where is Joey Votto when I need him? Oh, wait, it's not a problem. I still have Ryan Howard available to pinch hit.

Tie game, ninth inning and I need a sac bunt. Who you gonna call? Omar Infante, that's who. (To be fair, I have no idea if Infante can bunt. Or hit and run. Or steal bases. But I'm making a leap of faith that Manuel wants some balance on his roster.)


You can agree or disagree with the decision, but please don't act like you're puzzled. The reasoning behind the decision is obvious.

Attention Must Be Paid.

If I ran into Mike Lupica in a bar, I'd bet him $100 that he could not name the starting shortstop for the Red Sox, Blue Jays, Rays, or Orioles. Just name one of them and you get $100.

He'd probably say something about Terry Francona.


What deep dive into American League East professional baseball can the baseball journalist provide?:

"The Red Sox basically haven't had Jacoby Ellsbury all season, nobody can remember the last time Josh Beckett pitched, both catchers are hurt, Dustin Pedroia is out for at least six weeks with a broken foot and … they had the same number of wins as the Yankees going into Saturday's games.

So, you know, attention must be paid."

Oh, the Yankees should pay attention to the Red Sox?

Who the heck are the Red Sox?

Most Yankee fans have probably never even heard of the Red Sox?


But I like how Lupica brings up injuries. What a jerk. Like every team doesn't suffer injuries. Last year, Lupica mocked Yankee fans who brought up injuries.


"I still love the notion that Joe Torre and Tom Verducci violated some sort of sacred clubhouse code with a great sports book called 'The Yankee Years.'

Especially with poor A-Rod.

Go back and read the stuff A-Rod said in Esquire about Derek Jeter before he ever thought he was going to be on the same team with him."

Okay, I will go back and read the "stuff." Easy to find this in the Internet age.

But what does it prove?

ARod said some inappropriate "stuff" and that somehow absolves Torre?:

"Alex is unsmiling, hard-faced. 'The thing about Mike Lupica that pisses me off,' he says, 'is that he makes me look like the biggest @#%$ in the world, and then he takes a guy like Jeter and just puts him way up there.'

So much for the brotherhood of shortstops united under the fatherhood of Honus Wagner.

'There's a big difference,' says Boras. 'Jeter had seventy-one RBIs and fifteen home runs. Jeter and Nomar last year had fifteen and twenty-one home runs. You can have a golden bulldozer, but if there's no dirt to push . . .'

'Jeter's been blessed with great talent around him,' Alex says. 'He's never had to lead. He can just go and play and have fun. And he hits second—that's totally different than third and fourth in a lineup. You go into New York, you wanna stop Bernie and O'Neill. You never say, Don't let Derek beat you. He's never your concern.' "

ARod didn't say anything too bad about Jeter, mostly just ignorance about some of the finer points of Jeter's offensive contributions.

But, if Lupica wants to prove a point, it was a punk move by a punk. Alex Rodriguez is a punk. Alex Rodriguez is a very stupid man. He says a lot of stupid things. Also, Alex Rodriguez is very disrespectful and arrogant.

Glad we cleared that up.

Again, what precisely does this have to do with Joe Torre?

Does Lupica really think a player on a different team is held to the same standard as a manager talking about the ex-players on his own team?

Did Torre say these things to Damon's face or did Torre wait until he left the team?

Whatever you want to say about ARod because of the Esquire article, Torre is all those things, and worse.

The best way for a hack to win an argument is to lie about the facts.

"Yeah, it must have been Joe Torre's fault that A-Rod couldn't buy a hit in October until last October, and that you couldn't find him in one first-round loss after another."

That is a lie. An untruth. A misrepresentation.

A last refuge of small-sample-size morons who don't understand baseball and who use their baseball column to perpetuate personal grudges.

"A-Rod might still someday be the all-time king of home runs. The king of accountability he has never been.

And will never be."

Yeah, but he's the king of home runs, and that's what matters.


I know that double off Brad Lidge ruined your day, ruined your storyline, but you really ought to pull your head out of Jonathon Papelbon's butt long enough to look up some stats.

My favorite excuse.

"But now I find that I can't defend Torre as he continues to rationalize some of the more controversial content in his book, in particular his treatment of A-Rod.

It's not that he revealed anything all that stunning about Rodriguez, but for a manager who preached the sanctity of the clubhouse to his players, Torre did cross the line. And while it's clear that much of the unflattering A-Rod material was the result of co-author Tom Verducci's reporting, Torre has to take responsibility for everything in the book.

On Friday, Torre took his rationale a little further, all but intimating that A-Fraud was an endearing nickname of some sort.

'There was nothing in the book that wasn't out in public before,Torre said. A-Fraud wasn't something I said, it's what others said, and it wasn't as if it was said behind his back."

'I hope I didn't do anything that made him uncomfortable with me, but I don't feel like there's anything that needs to be said (to him).' "

Question nobody seems willing to ask:

If there was nothing in the book that wasn't out in public before, then why did you bother writing it?

Why would anybody bother reading it?

You're so lazy as an "author," that you don't even pretend to offer new insights?

Scapegoat is right.

I haven't forgotten.

I thought ARod was going to look into the Dodgers dugout and hole up eight fingers while rounding the bases:

"But, while Torre’s knack was connecting with the players, soothing them, and removing the peripherals that hunted them in New York, he apparently did not connect with or soothe Rodriguez.

What he did was bat him eighth.

Rodriguez heard and came to believe Torre referred to him as a 'pretty boy,' and that Torre had picked a side in the A-Rod-Jeter chill, and in his book fed the 'A-Fraud' drama.

But, none of it stung quite as much as when he arrived at Detroit’s Comerica Park for a division series game one Saturday afternoon, the Yankees playing to extend their season, to discover Torre had chosen his scapegoat.

Rodriguez had one hit in 11 at-bats going into Game 4. He’d batted .358 in September, leading up to the series, and then fallen into another postseason slump. Most believe Torre lost Rodriguez forever that day, had embarrassed him, and everything that came after it simply confirmed to Rodriguez there could never be a relationship between the game’s pre-eminent manager and his superstar third baseman.

A year-and-a-half and 3,000 miles have altered none of a poisoned history."

Torre is lying when he says that he thought he had a good relationship with ARod.

Still trying to make ARod the scapegoat.

Buck Showalter never existed.

A New York Daily news poll:

"What was Joe Torre's greatest achievement as manager of the Yankees?

1) Four World Series titles.

2) String of 13 consecutive playoff appearances.

3) Surviving Steinbrenner for all those years."

I voted for 2.

Because 13 consecutive playoff appearances as manager is particularly impressive for a person who managed the Yankees for 12 years.

Girardi uses Rivera in a tie game on the road.

It's almost as if Girardi is intentionally mocking Joe Torre before the Yankees visit Los Angeles.

Back when I last won the World Series, MTV still played music videos.

"Torre often references his Yankee years with the Dodgers’ players, mostly talking about the comebacks against Atlanta in the 1996 World Series, and against Oakland in the 2001 division series. He retains Bowa and the hitting coach Don Mattingly from his last Yankees staff, and has one ex-Yankee, reliever Jeff Weaver, on his roster."

You say "references," I say "lives in the past."


"He is the same Torre — a cup of Bigelow green tea before batting practice, a box of Hammond’s pretzels in his office, the familiar No. 6 on his back."

... same lapdog reporters, too.


I hope the Bigelow tea is decaf.

We wouldn't want Torre to wake up and, say, manage a professional baseball game.

Maybe it's because Jorge Posada was catching.

Except Posada wasn't catching.

Hmmm ...

Maybe we can do research and come up with a new stat: A.J. Burnett's ERA when Jorge Posada is DHing.

.226 hitter not voted to All Star Game ...

... yet!

George A King III has been hitting the bottle again.

"When Jose Reyes swatted Phil Hughes’ second pitch over the right-field wall, it was not out of the question to believe the Mets had enough for a Subway Series victory."

When Jose Reyes swatted Phil Hughes's second pitch over the right-field wall, I made my way down to the Hard Rock Cafe for twelve white russians.

I came back and, what do you know? The Yankees had won.


"After all, Mike Pelfrey against the Dead Bat Society that lost Derek Jeter to a late scratch gave the Mets, who had won eight straight, an advantage over a Yankees club that had dropped three in a row."

Amazing.

I can't believe we're still over-reacting to a three-game mini-slump. Did anybody notice the Rays lost three games in a row? I think the Dodgers did, too.

I think the 1927 Yankees once lost three games in a row.


"And Hughes’ previous few outings weren’t crisp."

You are wrong.

Put down the boilermaker and look it up.

Hughes's last few outings: 5 runs in 5 2/3 innings; 3 runs in 6 innings; 1 run in 7 innings.

If that's Hughes's idea of "not crisp," then he's winning the Cy Young Award.

A.J. Burnett's idea of "not crisp" is 3 innings, 11 runs, 7 hits, 12 walks, 4 hit by pitch, 6 wild pitches, and 6 strikeouts.


"Nevertheless, Hughes regrouped, Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson hit clutch homers, Joba Chamberlain found his high-octane fastball and Mariano Rivera worked a perfect ninth to lead the Yankees to a 5-3 victory in front of 49,073 sun-splashed fans."

Well, good. So I'll just ignore the first few paragraphs you wrote about what might have happened.

Maybe, in the future, you won't judge the outcome of the game after two whole pitches.

At least give the home team a chance to bat and stuff.

Bumbling Bombers second in MLB in runs per game.

I can think of no better measure of an offense than runs per game:

"The culprits are many. But the biggest paychecks and largest expectations go to Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeira and Alex Rodriguez and there has simply been too little impact provided by that trio even as the Yankees have mustered the majors' second-most runs. What is missing is the anticipated fear factor and what is present is too much inconsistency."

1) I'll take runs per game over "fear factor."

2) While the power is down, the speed is up.

3) Most importantly, the Yankees lead MLB in on-base percentage.

It's right there for everyone to see. The most important offensive stat is on-base percentage.


"The Yankees have a lineup strong enough to generate six runs in six innings Tuesday against Roy Halladay. But it was as if the Yankees had made a deal with the devil to trash the pitcher they uniformly respect the most. In the three games since, the Yankees have scored four runs."

Three games.

What the heck is this garbage that passes for baseball analysis?

The Yankees made a deal with the devil and the payback is first place and the best record in baseball.


Yes, it's true that Teixeira and ARod have been subpar.

It's also true that others have picked up the slack and -- shocking as this may seem to a keen baseball journalist -- there's more to baseball than hitting HRs.


The most delicious stat is that ARod is hitting .343 with RISP.

I sure recall a heckuva lot of negative analysis if he dared bat poorly with RISP. It was, like, national news.

Haven't seen too much praise for Mr. Clutch this year.

Can't be the first time a pierogi got fired for criticizing his employer on Facebook.

What he said.

"Despite the annoyingly incontrovertible reality of Granderson’s helplessness against same-side pitchers, Girardi called on him to pinch-hit for Huffman. This provoked a predictable response from Jerry Manuel: he pulled Dessens and brought in a far more effective reliever, lefty Pedro Feliciano. Girardi had painted himself into a corner. Granderson predictably whiffed, missing strike three by approximately the distance between the average Grand Canyon butte. Granderson went down without even moving the runner to third, never mind scoring him. Feliciano then retired Brett Gardner and the incredibly slumpy Derek Jeter (14-for-67 in June; 4 for his last 29). Obviously, had the game been tied there, the remainder would have had a much different complexion."

It was very weird. It really seemed like Girardi forgot about Feliciano. Girardi played right into Manuel's hands.

Girardi gets smoked.

Girardi benches Granderson against a soft-throwing lefty starter, but then forgets the Mets have Pedro Feliciano in the bullpen.

A streak of two.

Three games ago, the Yankees pounded Roy Halladay.

"This certainly was not the way the this weekend, losing two straight to a team that came into trying to discover how to get its bats to work again."

Well, losing is always worse than winning, but it's only two games.


"The Mets are red-hot, having solved the mystery of "why can't we win on the road" by taking six straight against two of the AL's worst teams - Baltimore and Cleveland.

The opposition doesn't matter, because the Mets would be beating anyone right now with the hitting, pitching and bullpen all working together."

The opposition matters.

It's one of the most important things in determining whether you win or lose.


"The Yankees' bats went into cold storage on Wednesday and they haven't emerged yet. If they can't chip the ice away by Friday night, then they are going to get clobbered."

Two games.

So two games is now a slump.

I'm not saying Joba is fat ...

... but, instead of playing a Metallica song when Joba enters the game, they play this song.

Fair enough, but a hypocrite should choose his words carefully.

Lupica harshing on ARod is nothing new and Lupica is 100% correct. ARod's steroid use tarnishes the pursuit of 600, 700, 800 homeruns.

Yes, ARod has managed 38 HRs in the past season or so since coming back from injury, but he plays his home games at tiny Yankee Stadium and, frankly, Michael Kay is caught saying "DEEP to left!" for fly balls that die at the track.

It's more of an subjective observation than an objective measure. ARod seems to have less power:

"It means Rodriguez could be at 600 homers before the month is out, at which point the city and the Yankees will be expected to come to a dead stop, mostly because there is money to be made off a magic number like that."

I wouldn't expect the city to come to a dead stop about ARod's 600th any more than they came to a dead stop for his 500th. I remember it was against the Royals and, you know, he stood at home plate like a putz.


"A-Rod is an admitted user of steroids, even though he never actually used the word when he went to his media confession in the spring of 2009. 'We knew we weren't taking Tic Tac's," he said at the time, talking about the 'Boli' he says he took in Texas - but only in Texas! - and the phantom cousin who administered it to him over three full seasons."
Fair enough.

ARod has no credibility.

If that's what you believe and this bothers you, then you have a right to your opinion, author of Summer of '98: the Year a Steroid-Fueled, Fraudulent Homerun Race Helped Me Establish a Relationship With My Son.


"Bonds only admits to accidentally using a steroid called 'The Clear,' saying he thought he was only taking flaxseed oil, because, hey, who hasn't made a simple mistake like that?

...

Then there is Sosa, who hit 60 home runs three times in four seasons and sits at 609 career home runs. He says he never used illegal performance-enhancing drugs, no sir, swear on a Bible. And if you believe that, you believe that it's only a coincidence that his appearance starts to make the name 'Lady Gaga' come to mind."

Lady Gaga!

You've updated your pop culture references after five years of "Dancing With The Stars." Well done!


Anyway, so far you've taken down ARod, Bonds, Sosa. Who's next?:

"Oh sure, all has been forgiven with A-Rod and he will experience the same kind of lovefest at 600 that Roger Clemens - another big legendary star of baseball's steroids era, and steroids culture - experienced when he got to 300 wins. As a Yankee. You know how it goes. These are practically religious experiences."

That's fine, Clemens is next. ARod, Bonds, Sosa, and Clemens. Easy targets, all.


"Even though you have to say that The 600 Home Run Club ain't what it used to be. The way The 500 Home Run Club ain't what it used to be. And never will be again."
Of course.

Or the 100-rbi club, 40-homerun club, etc., etc., etc.

The offensive stats are inflated everywhere, even in this so-called year of the pitcher.

The Yankees are still going to score 900 runs and, well, it's just not the '70s anymore.


"Nothing against Jim Thome, who's currently sitting at 569 home runs, which means 17 behind Frank Robinson and four behind Harmon Killebrew, but have you watched Thome for one minute of his career and thought you were watching one of the great sluggers of all time, and a future Hall of Famer?"

When somebody says "nothing against," it is invariably followed by something against.

Since you asked, yes, I think Jim Thome will make the Hall of Fame, and deservedly so. Every time I watched Jim Thome play, I thought I was watching one of the greatest sluggers of all time because that's what he is.

"This list, these inflated numbers that go with the inflated bodies, is as much a record of this time in baseball as George Mitchell's report. Bonds. Sosa. McGwire. Rafael Palmeiro, the drug cheat who pointed a finger at Congress and said he'd never used steroids and then turned up positive. Manny Ramirez got busted eventually for a taking a female fertility drug, a known companion to steroids.

Hall of Famers, Hall of Shamers. Same club."

Hall of Shame: ARod, Bonds, Sosa, McGwire, Clemens, Thome, Palmeiro, Manny ... ummm ... where's David Ortiz on you list of Hall of Shamers?


Now, look, I'm not saying that David Ortiz necessarily flows from this article. Lupica is talking about players with 500+ homeruns and Ortiz is nearing 400.

The problem is that Lupica seldom hides his ejaculatory enthusiasm for Big Papi. About 200 articles in a row, Lupica has gone out of his way to praise Big Papi, as recently as June 8th.

Two days before writing the article where steroids users are placed in the Hall of Shame.


Lupica, you are a hypocrite and there is nothing worse than a hypocrite.

Take your worst hitter and bat him ... fifth?

"No manager in baseball protects his players as well as Joe Girardi, but it’s time for the Yankees to make a major change in their lineup."

Kevin Kernan's proposal will undoubtedly be an unimaginative, minor change.


"Girardi should flip-flop Mark Teixeira and Cano in the lineup. Let Cano bat third and put Teixeira fifth. Such a move could take some of the pressure off Teixeira and perhaps get him going in a much more consistent manner."

1) Batting Teixeira ninth would take even more pressure off Teixeira.

2) Teixeira will starting hitting in a much more consistent manner no matter what. If he doesn't, then the Yankees are in (relative) trouble. If you expect Teixeira to start hitting in a much more consistent manner, then bat him third and wait.


"Cano’s been the Yankees’ best hitter. In April I wrote this will be an MVP-type season for him."

Guess what, everybody?

In April, Kevin Kernan wrote that this will be an MVP-type season for Robinson Cano.

Kevin Kernan is smarter than you.

Unless you also thought it might be an MVP-type season for Cano. In which case, you're even with Kevin Kernan.


"No one has supported Teixeira more than I’ve supported him, but the Yankees, despite their overall success, have had some recent hitting issues."

That's not true.

Mark Teixeira's mother has supported Teixeira more than Kevin Kernan.

Am I to believe that Kevin Kernan fed Mark Teixeira milk from his breast? I think not.

Call up Francesa and complain about Girardi.

Don't know yet if the Yankees will score three runs this inning, or even two to tie the game.

Yankees down 2-0, top 8th:

"Top 8th: NY Yankees

- F. Cervelli hit by pitch

- S. Downs relieved B. Morrow

- B. Gardner hit by pitch, F. Cervelli to second

- D. Jeter doubled to shallow right, F. Cervelli scored, B. Gardner to third" But I know that 99% of talk radio callers were demanding a bunt from Jeter. Because bunts always solve every offensive problem.

So lazy.

"Ken Griffey Jr., who hit just .184 with no homers in 33 games as a part-time DH this season, in announcing his retirement from Seattle Mariners last week. Next stop: Cooperstown, where he will arrive in five years with 524 homers and 2,781 hits and a reputation for having gotten them all clean."

That's 630 homers. 524 doubles.

I've got 10,000 calls I want Selig to overrule.

That 1-1 pitch to ARod lat week was low, for cryin' out loud.

As for Jim Joyce, my question for him is, what the heck is this about?

"Similar" pitchers.

Baseball-reference's "similar" pitchers is not the be-all and end-all.

But these are the top five "similar" pitchers to Joba Chamberlain at this age, just to contrast his actual career vs. the number of tee-shirts he has sold:

1. Mike Fornieles (979)
2. Joey Jay (978)
3. Mario Soto (977)
4. Harry Feldman (974)
5. Manny Sarmiento (973)

What's your favorite Mr. Mister album? Let's debate it for three years on call-in radio shows.

The heir apparent to Mariano is a mediocre starter and a mediocre reliever.

A lot of wasted mental energy spent debating whether this guy should be a starter or a reliever.

Completely absurd.

Brian Cashman has four Championship rings and the Yankees are the current World Series champs.

The Yankees also currently have a better record than the Mets.

Bill Madden inexplicably wants to diminish Cashman's accomplishments by analyzing a bunch of scrubs after two months:

"But here's the point: At the start of the season there was nary a pundit who didn't think Minaya had done a terrible job in putting this Mets team together, in particular last winter when he elected to take a pass on all of the (albeit mostly flawed) free agent starting pitchers despite the acknowledged uncertainty of John Maine and Oliver Perez. And yet, as we arrive at Memorial Day, the performances of Minaya's off-season acquisitions - Japanese import Hisanori Takahashi (4-1, 2.13) Rod Barajas (team-leading 10 HR), the Cuban expatriate Raul Valdes (2-1, 2.86, 33 K, 10 walks in 28.1 innings) - have far surpassed those of his Yankee counterpart, Brian Cashman: ([sic] Curtis Granderson (.225, .311 OBP, injured most of May), Nick Johnson (.167, out, probably for season, with a wrist injury), Javy Vazquez (3-5, 6.86), just-released Randy Winn, Boone Logan (5.06 ERA, 13 hits, 7 walks in 10 innings) and Chan Ho Park (8.71 ERA, 17 hits, 5 HR in 10.1 innings)."

What point?

If that's your answer, you're asking the wrong question.

All praise to Pettitte.

Most other pitchers would have begged out:

"Twins 8th

Andy Pettitte pitching:

Drew Butera :Strike looking, Butera doubled to right.

Denard Span :Bunt foul, Span safe at first on 3rd baseman Rodriguez fielding error, Butera to third.

Orlando Hudson :Ball, Pickoff attempt to first, Pickoff attempt to first, Hudson lined out to pitcher.

Joe Mauer :Ball, Pickoff attempt to first, Strike looking, Ball, Pickoff attempt to first, Ball, Mauer grounded into double play shortstop to second to first, Span out at second."

Mike Lupica wants you to root for the Mets.

"It seems like about 15 minutes ago that the Mets looked as bad as they ever could against the Marlins. This morning they are a game over .500 and closer to first place than the Yankees are."

This is an accurate statement. The Mets are 3 games out of first place while the Yankees are 3.5 games out of first place.

The Yankees, of course, are in second place in their division and are in first place in the wild card standings. The Yankees, of course, possess the second-best record in baseball.

The Mets are tied for third place in their division... and tied for last place in their division, if that's how you want to look at it.

So, yes, if winning the division is the goal, then the Mets are one half game closer. But the Yankees have one other team to catch while the Mets have four other teams to catch.


"Say what you want about the Mets - and they have pretty much heard just about everything this season already - but they fight hard."

This is what I want to say about the Mets: They have the highest payroll in the NL and they're one whole game over .500 and they have the same record as the Washington Nationals and the Florida Marlins.

This is what I want to say about Lupica: He is a hack and a shill.

Teixeira Stinks, Somebody Notices.

I simply don't recall the $20 million man getting any so-called "big hits."

I did the same thing when I was a child.

I can come clean now, but, when I was in fourth grade through sixth grade, I handed in the same report on "How Nuclear Energy Works" three years in a row:

Mike Lupica on Sunday: "A-Rod's cheating - he says it was only when he was with the Rangers - isn't really an issue at all with the Yankees, with their fans, with Major League Baseball, with anybody.

Why? Because he's a winner now, that's why. We've been over this. He's a big winner Yankee."

I was kind of wondering why Lupica was hassling ARod in the first place while ignoring Ivan Rodriguez, Edgardo Alfonzo, Troy Glaus, Chipper Jones, Shawn Green, Adrian Beltre, David Ortiz, Randy Velarde, Mike Piazza ...

In fact, in the same article, Lupica actually praises David Ortiz.

So please don't pretend you're anti-steroid. You're anti-ARod. There's a difference, pal.

Mike Lupica on Thurdsay: "And you have to say that people have become a lot more forgiving about A-Rod when he had one of the great and most dramatic postseasons in Yankee history and helped carry them on his back to World Series title No. 27."

Yes, I agree. That's because nobody was ever angry about steroids in the first place. It's retro-fitting their anger. Andy Pettitte is still one of the Core Four Good Guys while Roger Clemens is still an enemy.


Mike Lupica on Wednesday: "We are expected to believe that while Galea may have been treating other professional athletes from baseball and football with HGH and Actovegin, our guys from New York would never have allowed that to happen with them because, well, that would be wrong, wrong, wrong.

We're supposed to trust them on this, because, hey, they're our guys."

That's the same article three times in a row. Basically, the same article three times in five days. Copied and pasted.

Sir, you get an incomplete.

Media critic.

"Excuse me. The Bombers still have Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Robinson Cano, Mark Teixeira, and a healthy pitching staff.

There presence did not stopped Kay from throwing a pinstriped pity party for his wounded warriors."

"There" presence did not "stopped" Kay.

A weird answer to a question nobody was asking.

"Interleague play for American League teams typically is what a reachable par 5 is for PGA pros: par is a bad score. It's the perfect opportunity to pad your score."

It kind of depends which NL teams you're talking about.

The Royals would probably be pleasantly surprised to go 6-6 in 12 games vs. the Phillies, Dodgers, and Cardinals.


"Indeed, AL playoff berths have been won by beating up National League teams. Last year the four AL playoff teams (Yankees, Red Sox, Twins, Angels) played .581 baseball against AL teams but .653 baseball against NL teams."

Must I explain the flawed logic of this conclusion?

I promise you, the .581 winning percentage in 142 games was more important than the .653 winning percentage in 20 games.

Get an abacus and figure it out yourself.


"But get this: AL superiority is about to be diminished, or even wiped out altogether."

I wouldn't draw any grand conclusions based on the overall head-to-head results, anyway, but that's quite a bold prediction, I'll give him that.


"The NL has closed the talent gap on the AL and actually has a shot at winning interleague play, which begins tonight, for first time since 2003. Don't believe it?"

I believe the NL can win more than half the interleague games, yes.

I'm not so sure the NL has closed the talent gap.

Halladay transferred one really great pitcher.

Oh, and Melky Cabrera, of course. He is hitting almost .200 with 0 HRs.


"Guess which league has averaged more runs per game one-quarter of the way through this season? That's right, the league without the DH, the NL. The on-base and slugging percentages are nearly identical."

Maybe the NL has lousy pitchers and lousy fielders.


"In the NL, poor teams of recent years have shown significant improvement this year, especially the Nationals, Padres and Pirates."

Yeah, but ... maybe it's because they're playing lousy NL teams.

Utilizing basic principles of math and stuff, if one team is winning, another team is losing. If the Nationals, Padres, and Pirates are surprisingly good, it means they are beating somebody who's surprisingly bad (Brewers, Astros, and Rockies).

I can do the same thing with AL teams Please note that the Blue Jays are 7 games over .500, when I figured the Blue Jays would win about 40 games this season.



"Two other factors stand out: the declines of the DH and shortstop positions in the AL. DH production has been trending downward for five years. The league is littered with aging DHs who carry a below-average slugging percentage: Travis Hafner, Nick Johnson, Hideki Matsui, Eric Chavez, Pat Burrell (since cut from Tampa Bay) and Ken Griffey. The overall OPS out of the DH spot (.726) is below league average (.733). Think about that for a minute: the league gets to use an extra hitter who doesn't have to play defense, and it fills the spot with below-average hitting."

Fair enough observation on its own, I suppose.

I know that the DH won't even play in half the interleague games and, when the AL rules are used, I also know that the NL DH won't be a full-time DH. So you're comparing current AL players to former AL players instead of comparing current AL players to current NL players.

As for the AL shortstops, they may be declining vis a vis their glory days, but that still doesn't mean '83 Ripken is suiting up for the Mets anytime soon.

Is that the totality of the argument? Hanley Ramirez, who has been in the NL for five years, is better than, say, Alexei Ramirez?

Sold. The NL must be better.


"So go ahead with the usual jokes about the AL being the varsity and the NL being the junior varsity, or the NL teams being the homecoming teams on the AL schedules. But this year interleague play just might be more competitive."

Not for nothing, but is that really a usual joke?

Dog walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "I'll have a ... (long pause) ... beer." Bartender says, "The AL is the varsity and the NL is the junior varsity."

Ba dum bum.

Joba is the M. Night Shyamalan of pitchers. A very fat M. Night Shyamalan. Like M. Night Shyamalan crossed with Orson Welles.

Joba just isn't that good anymore, but you think he's good because you're remembering how much you liked "The Sixth Sense":

"Remember when Joba Chamberlain was the darling of Yankee Stadium? When every move by the burly right-hander turned into an event marked by celebration from all parts of the House That Ruth Built?

That was three years ago when Chamberlain could do nothing wrong coming out of the bullpen with his high-octane fastball, filthy slider and the exuberance of a naive youngster."

Revisiting a clever metaphor.

With the Yankees stuck in second, the Mets have gone from first place in the NL East to last place in the NL East as fast as Jose Reyes.

Dallas Braden's Grandmother Unavailable For Comment.

Josh Beckett beat the Yankees in the 2003 World Series.

"The star of the Yankees' season isn't Robinson Cano, or CC Sabathia. The star of the Yankees' season isn't one of the Core Fore, Jeter or Rivera or Pettitte or Posada. It isn't A-Rod or Mark Teixeira, not yet, anyway.

The star of the Yankee season is Phil Hughes."

The star.

The Yankees only have one star and it is Phil Hughes.

I'll bet you didn't know that a team can only have one star, but this has been decreed in Lupica Land.


"He has been the best pitcher in town, the best pitcher on the Yankees, he has been the best pitcher in the American League, he has been as good pitching in the American League - and the American League East – as Roy Halladay has been for the Phillies."

Which is a roundabout way of saying Hughes has been the best pitcher in the American League.


"This doesn't mean that Hughes must now be designated as a future first-ballot Hall of Famer the way Joba Chamberlain was when he first starting coming through the bullpen doors a few years ago."

Very easy to ridicule all the people who put Joba in the Hall of Fame after 25 big-league innings.

But those people don't exist because it never happened.


"What it means is that Hughes has the chance, off what we have seen so far this season, especially what we saw last Friday night at Fenway Park and on Wednesday night at Comerica, to be the first power starting pitcher the Yankees have developed out of their own farm system since Ron Guidry, and the first elite starter they have developed on their own since Andy Pettitte."

I guess this is true; I haven't given it too much thought.

But how many elite starters exist in baseball since Andy Pettitte? How many were you expecting from the Yankee farm system?

There are not many elite starters in MLB in the past 15 years.

That's the definiton of elite.


"Three pitches, the last a fastball, up, against which Cabrera had no chance. It reminded you of a high fastball Josh Beckett threw past Derek Jeter in Jeter's last at-bat, Game 6 of the 2003 World Series, one Jeter still hasn't seen."

This guy. Still talking about the 2003 World Series.


It's like Game Six of the 2003 World Series was the first baseball game Lupica ever watched. It was the only time a pitcher pitched well in the World Series. It was the only time Jeter ever struck out on a fastball.

Now, every time a player strikes out, it reminds Lupica of his First Love, Josh Beckett, in Game Six of the 2003 World Series.

Everyone's favorite steroid cheat.

"It's easy to doubt him, especially if you spend more time looking at his birthdate (Nov. 27, 1971) than his batting average (.383, through Tuesday). It's easy to doubt him, if your main recent memory of Pudge is his lousy half-season with the Yankees a couple of years back, or even his so-so 2009 season split between the Astros and Rangers.

It's easy to doubt him, if you haven't watched him play this year.

'I'm 38,' Rodriguez said. 'I'm not old. Thirty-eight is not a lot, the way I take care of myself, work myself. I can play this game for a while.' "

Amazing that the word "steroids" isn't even mentioned until the comments section.

The best RHP / One Hit Wonder in the whole league.

Yankee pitching prospect Ivan Nova tries a second career.

The Yankees have a lot of young players.

In fact, I believe the Yankees are younger than they were last year.

Last year, when they won the World Series and stuff.

What's truly staggering is that Lupica goes into some big explanation of how the Yankees are getting older and brittle, and then he writes this:

"And ask yourself another question: If they are waiting on Crawford, and they brought in Granderson and gave away Austin Jackson (.369 through Wednesday's games, most hits in the American League, on-base percentage of .421) because they are built to win another World Series now, then why not keep Johnny Damon for one more year? Why run off Damon - and do their best to kill his market in the process – by asking him to take a cut from $13 million to $7 million after the year Damon had for them?"

Right on cue, Damon got injured yesterday, by the way.

Probably a minor injury, just like the Yankee injuries.


But I will answer Lupica's question.

The reason the Yankees ran off Damon is:

The

Yankees

Wanted

To

Get

Younger

And

Faster.


You see, you can't write an article explaining how old and brittle the Yankees are and then ... in the middle of that article ... insist that the Yankees should have kept Johnny Damon.

How many closers can one team have?

"More to the point, the unavailability of Rivera and the fact that it took Girardi five relievers to close out this game only further emphasized how valuable he is and how vulnerable the Yankees are without him."

Well, duh.

Joba is closer #2 and he was unavailable after two saves in a row.


"At the same time, games like Wednesday's should make them uneasy about what it's going to be like when the Core Four, and especially Rivera, aren't around anymore."

This is very true.

The Yankees will be worse without the greatest closer of all time.

If Yankee fans have no worries in the present, they can at least worry about the future.

Yankees are boring.

Quite the attention-grabber there.

If the Yankees are boring, and your column is about the Yankees, then why should I read your column?

And the Yankees should have traded Wang to the Mets last year.

"There's a perfect solution to the Javy Vazquez problem in the Bronx: trade him to the Mets and everyone comes away happy."

Who are the Mets trading?


"Think about it. For the Mets there's just no getting around the obvious - they're going to need another starter to parlay their hot couple of weeks into serious contention this season. They can't live with the inconsistencies of both John Maine and Oliver Perez over the long haul."

Okay.

Who are the Mets trading?


"And while Vazquez is a mess mentally trying to overcome his issues pitching with the Yankees, put him back in the National League and he'd likely go right back to being a dependable starter, if not the Cy Young contender he was last year."

Sold.

Well, not entirely sold.

Vazquez's fastball is shot and his issues seem to be more than mental.

But, for the sake of this discussion, let's say the Yankees offered Vazquez to the Mets.

Who are the Mets trading?


"Considering the Yankees would also be dumping Vazquez's $11.5 million salary, it shouldn't take more than a decent prospect to make it a fair swap."

The Mets are taking on the $11.5M salary of the guy whose ERA is 10.00?

The Mets can afford an additional $11.5M?

If the Mets can afford an additional $11.5M, why didn't they just spend it on a free agent?


"The problem in all of this, of course, is that it's hard to imagine Yankees' GM Brian Cashman considering such a trade, even if it would be beneficial to the state of the ballclub."

I don't think that's the only problem in all this.

Cashman would gladly swallow his pride if it would help the Yankees.


First, you'll have to propose something more concrete than "a decent prospect," and, most importantly, you'll have to explain why the Mets would be willing to pay Vazquez so much money.

It would probably be more reasonable for the Yankees to pay half his salary and get a couple of prospects back.

But if you're going to do that, you might as well keep Vazquez around, see if his arm snaps back.

Sample sizes and half-truths.

"So you know: Through Friday night's games Austin Jackson - the kid the Yankees traded away for - was hitting .350 for the and had two more hits for the season than Robinson Cano does.

At a time when Cano is supposed to be the hottest guy in the world and MVP of everything."

I didn't even know that Cano was "supposed to be" the MVP of everything, but Cano had a great April.


"And right behind Jackson in the Tigers order, Johnny Damon is hitting like Johnny Damon for the Tigers, not exactly a startling development, even though the Yankees decided he needed to take nearly a 50% paycut last winter. (Damon is now hitting .344 and hit a walk-off homer Saturday.)

So you have to say it's a good thing the Yankees are pitching the way they are, because somebody might be asking where they've improved from last year to this with the changes they made in their batting order."

Yes, it would appear that Cashman is a moron.

Except Melky Cabrera is hitting .195 and Marcus Thames is hitting .550.

So Cashman is a genius ... and anybody who judges trades after one month is a moron.


The Yankees are second in the league in runs and fifth in ERA.

I didn't dive too deeply into these statistics, but it's just 30 seconds' worth of research to test Lupica's assertion that the Yankee pitching is saving the Yankee offense.

Don't intentionally put the winning run on base.

A couple of years ago, Girardi was criticized for pitching to Manny.

Only reason I remember is because I defended the move because I wouldn't intentionally put the winning run on base.

Today, Girardi intentionally walked Quentin, who was batting .182, and Quentin scored the winning run:

"The White Sox rallied in the seventh. Paul Konerko doubled with one out and Carlos Quentin drew an intentional walk from David Robertson (0-2) with two outs. Damaso Marte relieved and Pierzynski met him with a double to deep left-center."

Also, Girardi pinch hit for Winn and lost the DH.

Also, Girardi pinch ran for ARod in the ninth inning.