Andy Capp goes to Washington.

"Joel Heitkamp grew increasingly angry as he shared a few cold ones with friends recently at a VFW post in Mantador, N.D., talking about the way Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa hemmed and hawed their way through a congressional hearing on steroids and baseball."


I knew it. The whole time, these congressional hearings are just the result of old farts sitting around, drinking a few beers, complaining about baseball and the good ol' days.

Couldn't leave it in the VFW, could you? Had to go and get Congress involved.

Not too concerned about more important stuff like Abu Ghraib, the cost of gas, social security, school shootings, kids skating on the sidewalk, the MTV and the VH1 and the rap videos, the overpriced buffet at Country Kitchen, the newfangled things on the cars that start the car without even turning the key? Let me tell you something, sonny boy. In my day, we had a crank and you got out of the car and you cranked it, even in the winter. The cars went 5 miles per hour ... and we liked it.

Don't you folks in North Dakota play hockey? Maybe you could get Congress involved in the NHL rather than MLB. Those those young whippersnappers to get back in the negotiating room.

What's with the NFL? With all the passing? In my day, it was ten yards and a cloud of dust. Good, hard-nosed football. I say we should pass a law that says only 20 forward passes per game. Me and the men at the VFW would appreciate it. What records were these guys breaking?

"Ray Nietschke." Now that was a football player. Hey, bartender, another round. This one's for Ray Nietschke.

You know what I'm gonna do, fellas? I'm gonna go to Congress tomorrow and I'm gonna propose a resolution. No more cleats in football. Bronco Nagurski didn't wear cleats and these prissy sumbitches shouldn't wear cleats, either!


"There's no hard proof that these guys used steroids, but in my gut I believe they did," Heitkamp said yesterday. "If the boys were on the juice, the record should go back to Roger Maris."

That's just terrific. I've got lots of hunches myself.

I've got a gut feeling that Pudge was juiced up when the Marlins beat the Yankees and Luis Gonzalez was juiced up when the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees. I want Congress to give the Yankees back those titles.

Of course, there's a problem with my theory: The Yankees had juiced up players, too.

Hmmm ... now this is getting complicated. Best thing to do, probably, is hire some special investigators, maybe get the CIA and the FBI involved.

True, Mark McGwire has never masterminded terrorist attacks against the United States, but somebody has to get this country's priorities straight. Somebody has to stand up for the Maris Family.