Tough as nails.

The Yankees drink lots of green tea.

Billy Martin and Mickey Mantle would be proud.

Get out while you can.

" 'He never refused the ball, but we pushed the envelope a little bit with him,' Joe Torre said of Proctor, who led AL relievers with 102 1/3 innings, appeared in consecutive games 19 times, and worked three games in three days three times."

Proctor led AL relievers in appearances and innings only because Torre had previously shredded the shoulders of Tanyon Sturtze and Steve Karsay.

Which forces Cashman to carry twelve pitchers.

Which costs Bernie Williams a roster spot.

While Torre wonders why Bernie Williams won't return his phone calls.


Anyway, this article is about how Proctor is guaranteed a spot on the Yankees and can start settling down and look for an apartment in Manhattan.

George King describes the situation thusly:

"The Yankees' bullpen depth appears better than in recent years, but the chances of Chris Britton, Jose Veras, Luis Vizcaino or Humberto Sanchez taking Proctor's seventh-inning gig away are astronomical."

The chances of the non-Proctors pitching in the seventh inning are astronomical.

The chances of the non-Proctors pitching in the seventh inning are inconceivably large.

The possibility of this particular outcome is inconceivably large.


I know the New York Post ain't the New Yorker, and I also figured out what King is trying to say.

King meant to say the odds for the non-Proctors, compared to Proctor, are astronomical. Also acceptable would be that the chances for the non-Proctors are infinitesimal.

Since I am a reader who has a working knowledge of the English language, I was forced to do a triple-take.

George, seriously: Put down the booze and pick up a dictionary.

Hey, pay attention, Joe Torre.

"Last year was [Bernie Williams's] farewell tour," Cashman said. "A lot of people in this organization would have let him go after 2005, but I brought him back because of who he was and because we had a need.

I'm trying to do this as respectfully as I can. It's a balancing act between your emotional ties to someone you love and what's best for your team. And whenever you're transitioning to younger players, this is what happens.

Sometimes I just want to say, 'Hey, pay attention here.' We're talking about a role player here, the 25th man on the roster. I know what Bernie Williams meant to this team, but he's not that guy anymore."

At least Rollins and Reyes won't be having any sleepovers.

Parsing Wallace.

"The two of them couldn't be more different, as ballplayers and as individuals ..."

Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez couldn't be more different as ballplayers.

Hmmm.

Both are right-handed hitting shortstops with speed, power, high on-base percentage, too many strikeouts, five tools, excellent baserunning, multiple gold gloves, multiple all star appearances, and Hall of Fame careers in the making.

You know who couldn't be more different as ballplayers?

Glenallen Hill and Randy Choate.

Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez are practically identical as ballplayers. ARod hits more homeruns and Jeter has experienced more postseason success. That's about the only difference.

Sassy.

Isn't anybody going to wonder why grown men were having sleepovers five days a week?

Can anyone imagine Thurman Munson having sleepovers with Carlton Fisk?

What the heck is a "sleepover," anyway? I haven't used that word since I was nine years old. I think a grown man might "crash at your place," but you don't have a "sleepovers" unless you also rent Woody Allen movies and have pillow fights.


In any case, I have a challenge for Wallace Matthews: If you were to describe Alex Rodriguez in the most homoerotic way possible, how would you do it?:

"Alex Rodriguez, Esq., strode into the dugout ready for his close-up, in designer jeans, leather slip-ons, a black windbreaker and a tan deeper than George Steinbrenner's pockets."

ARod has a nice tan -- and distracting clear, blue eyes -- like a pool that that's beckoning you into its deep end.


"The nickname 'Esquire' seems to fit because it is clear he will never live down the interview he gave to the magazine of the same name six years ago, which may have been the last time he was truly candid."

Esquire is not a nickname, it's a title.

A nickname might be "Sweet Cheeks" or "Honey Bun."


"This is the true curse of being A-Rod. It is not his October meltdowns or his defensive lapses or his disturbing failure to do much more as a Yankee than compile an impressive array of essentially meaningless statistics."

I don't think his impressive array of statistics are meaningless.

No more or less meaningless than any other player's statistics, though certainly more impressive.

Not in the last two playoffs, that's for sure.

But the degree of anti-ARod, Esq. sentiment seems to be something more than that.

Perhaps people don't like the way ARod sits in the dugout:

"It is that even sitting in a dugout, he always looks as if he just stepped out of the makeup chair and sounds as if he just finished memorizing a script. You're never quite sure when he's telling the truth or just acting out some homework assignment from his therapist. Everything comes off as pre-written, vetted, edited and rehearsed."

He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.

Lisa, will you marry me?

And I always thought the Subway Squawkers at the Daily News were useless ...

"In the first day of spring training, Torre finally explained to reporters why he batted Alex Rodriguez eighth in Game 4 of the ALDS:

Torre insisted it wasn't a slap at A-Rod, but the result of moving Melky Cabrera up in the batting order because, 'I was just trying to get some energy up at the top.'

I don't know what's more annoying about that statement:

The fact that he had four months to come up with an explanation for this decision, and this is apparently the best he could come up with,

The fact that nobody else seemed to check the game's box score to see where Cabrera actually batted in the lineup. Melky batted NINTH in that game, so the suggestion that A-Rod needed to bat eighth so Cabrera could be at the top of the order is, at best, sheer nonsense.

For $7.5 million a year, I expect the manager to come up with a better explanation or whatever you want to call it for batting A-Rod eighth."

Torre's Boyz.

"Manager Joe Torre reveal he'd called and urged Bernie Williams to come to camp, where he'd surely find room on a crowded roster, in spite of management's obvious feelings otherwise."

I like Torre's idea of "thinking of" Giambi as first baseman, presumably opening up a spot for Bernie as DH.

Of course, if the Yankees were looking for a right-handed DH, maybe they should have just kept Gary Sheffield. Or signed Frank Thomas. Or signed Shea Hillenbrand.

But since Torre now thinks he's the GM, maybe he should take off the uniform and move into the executive offices. I will gladly help him wordsmith his resume.

A couple more observations:

(1) Torre's comments amount to insubordination. In the division of duties, Cashman provides the players and Torre decides when and where they play. Torre probably has a lot of leeway when it comes to on-field decisions and it's always best if everyone in the enterprise is buying into the same vision. But Cashman is still Torre's boss and Cashman decides which players are on the 2007 Yankees.

(2) Is it more respectful to be honest with Bernie Williams and tell him that there is no room for him on the roster? Or is it more respectful to falsely imply to Bernie Williams that Jason Giambi might play first base and Bernie is going to take the Phillips/Phelps roster spot?

In this example, it's cruel to be kind.


Bernie is absolutely talented enough to play major league baseball in 2007.

If he really wants to, he should simply go play for another team.

It's not disrespectful to honestly explain to a man face to face that you no longer have employment for him.

Ninth is not eighth.

"Asked where he'd hit Rodriguez, Torre said he didn't know, but 'it won't be eighth.' "

No matador in the world can deflect all this bull ...

"Like the matador deftly avoiding a raging bull, Joe Torre has spent 11 long years navigating around George Steinbrenner's mood swings."

Here's your raging bull for ya: Reporters chasing around a confused old man.


"But Year 12 has presented Torre with the greatest challenge of his Yankee-era career – coping with a Boss who seems more determined to fire Torre than at any time since 1996."

Well, in 1996, Torre's first season as manager of the Yankees, the Yankees won the World Series.

Shortly thereafter, the Yankees won three consecutive World Series titles.

For the first five years, the crazed bull wasn't even charging the deft matador.

However, in the six years since, Torre has won zero World Series titles despite making the playoffs every year.

That losing streak is not necessarily a fireable offense, but it's quite clear to the most casual observer that Torre has been strategically outmanaged and has now even lost his ability to motivate his team.


"Crazy, isn't it?"

Yes, it's crazy that Joe Torre still has his job.


"The most successful Yankee manager of the last half-century is somehow on a one-summer audition."

You said the same thing last year and the year before and the year before and the year before.

If only I could believe you.


"The win-or-else philosophy is suddenly more than just Torre's job description; this time it's a real threat. He's going into the season without job security, which means the Yankees will need a world championship to keep Torre from being dismissed."

Cool.

In that case, maybe Torre won't blow off the first round of the playoffs. Maybe he won't drop Alex Rodriguez to 8th in the batting order. Maybe he won't play Gary Sheffield at first base. Maybe he won't bench Melky Cabrera and then play Melky Cabrera and then drop Alex Rodriguez to 8th in the batting order because Melky Cabrera would bring "energy" to the top of the lineup but that makes no sense because are you saying the Yankees didn't need energy in the first three games of the playoffs?

You want to talk about energy?

Maybe, in game three of the playoffs, when your team's back is against the wall, and your third baseman tags out a baserunner, and the umpire calls the baserunner safe, maybe the manager of the team can put down the bottle of Poland Spring and go kick the umpire in the family jewels.

Maybe instead of being "classy" and getting god damned standing ovations at god damned Fenway Park, maybe you go tell that umpire that the next time he disrespects the Yankees and the game of baseball like that, he ought to go home and drink some rat poison.

Oh, and the next time Paul Lo Duca thinks he can come into Yankee Stadium and talk smack to Alex Rodriguez, he wakes up with a horse head in his bed.

The loss to the Tigers was just small sample size. Torre's aloofness is really calmness. Torre's so noncommittal to the dream job of managing the Yankees, that he is basically daring Steinbrenner to fire him.

I can't read this article anymore.

I'm going to read this instead.

The under/over is July 15.

"Yankee fans still love Torre."

Yes.

Yes, we do.

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am trying to write a poem that describes how much I love Joe Torre. I just need to think of some words that rhyme with "ringworm."


The most interesting storyline of the 2007 season may be listening to Joe Girardi campaign for Torrre's job every night on the YES Network:

"He did not just win four World Series in his first six years managing the Yankees"

First five years managing the Yankees.

"he made it harder for Yankee haters to hate them than at any time in the history of the franchise."

Which means that Lupica the Yankee hater stopped hating the Yankees for a brief period of time.

But why is that a good thing?

I hope Yankee haters continue to hate the Yankees.

I hope the Yankee hating eats at their black souls and ruins their lives.

It's my idea of fun.

"That is the first six years."

The first five years.

The loss to Arizona in the 2001 World Series was still, you know, a loss.

Mike Lupica was required to write about Alex Rodriguez again.

"Steve Phillips was the general manager of the Mets when Alex Rodriguez first became a free agent. In the end the Mets didn't go after Rodriguez and one of the reasons Phillips gave, and people wanted to drop a safe on him because of it, was because he thought A-Rod was a '24-and-1' guy."

Yes, that's true, and Steve Phillips was lying the whole time.

Because Phillips instantly brought in Mike Piazza, and Piazza got his own luxury suites and private plane trips, or whatever.

A few years after that, the Mets brought in the biggest prima donna in baseball, who hasn't even lived up to his contract. Nobody complains because he's a great baseball player.

Great baseball players help your team win baseball games.

Oh, and by the way, I must have forgotten about all the Championship rings the Mets have won with Jose Reyes and Rey Ordonez.


"Meaning your team has 24 other guys and him."

Oh, is that what "24-and-1" means?

Thank you, Mr. Professional Baseball Writer.

I thought it was a football term that meant it was 24th down and 1 yard to go for a first down.


"Sometimes it seems as if there are three baseball teams in New York requiring full-time coverage, the Yankees, the Mets, and Alex Rodriguez."

Yes, it does sometimes seem that way.

It seems like the New York press follows him around wherever he goes and writes about everything he does, even when it is mindnumbingly uninteresting.

There is one guy in particular who seems oddly obsessed with Alex Rodriguez, in a negative way.

How do I describe this guy? Looks a little like Milhouse from the Simpsons; screechy voice; doesn't know what he's talking about most of the time; loves the Red Sox and Mets, hates the Yankees...


"By now there is no question that this guy isn't just the highest-paid superstar in baseball history or Yankee history. He is the highest-maintenance."

I wonder how true this really is.

The Yankees shouldn't care about his off-season bookstore appearances or his off-season interview demands. I personally don't care. I don't understand why the New York press corps follows him around like stray cats and then write columns where they say the New York press talks about Alex Rodriguez too much.

How high maintenance is Alex Rodriguez?

He's probably an arrogant snot, but that's too bad. You're paid $5 million to manage a $200 million payroll. Sounds like a gig the other 29 major league managers would gladly accept.

You put him at third base every day, you bat him fourth every day.

You get .300/.400/.550, 40 hrs, 20 stolen bases, 120 runs, and 120 rbis. You get a lot of strikeouts and, in 2006, too many errors.

ARod is seldom hurt and he seldom makes mental mistakes in the field or on the basepaths. He knows more about the opponent than you do, I can promise you that. He is the most well-conditioned player on your team, I can also promise you that.

Sounds like a tough job for a manager whose team wasn't mentally prepared to play the so-called "upstart" Detroit Tigers.

Maybe the fact that the manager allowed 95-win team to be perceived as "upstarts" is the problem right there.

Poor Yankees. Poor Joe Torre. Poor New York press.

They should get Mike Lamb to play third base and see what happens.

Third-place teams are so much easier to maintain, aren't they?

Bernie Williams is probably my favorite baseball player ever.

I watched him play quite a few games with the defunct Albany-Colonie Yankees.

I always liked centerfielders, from Paul Blair to Mickey Rivers to Bobby Brown.

He's a cool dude in a loose mood.

He creates relaxing music for doctor's offices in Puerto Rico.

His first name is Bernabe.

He played his entire career with the Yankees.

Guess what?

My favorite baseball player's baseball-playing career is over:

"The buzz around the Yankees' minor league camp, where Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada were among those working out, was they would see their long-time pal when position players report on Feb. 18."

For real?

That's the buzz around the Yankees' minor league camp?

Not the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Country Kitchen?


Let's see how far George King can bend baseball reality in his attempt to make a case for Bernie Williams playing baseball for the New York Yankees in 2007:

"Based on how well Williams did last year (.281, 12 HRs, 61 RBIs in 420 ABs) when he played more than expected due to injuries to Gary Sheffield and Matsui, he would likely be a contributor off the bench if used as the fourth outfielder and occasional DH."

You caught that, didn't you?

Fourth outfielder?

1. Matsui.
2. Damon.
3. Abreu.
4. Cabrera.

Which brings up an interesting point. My hunch is that 99% of the fans who want Bernie back also want Melky to get more playing time.

"However, Williams' strengths aren't as a pinch-runner, defensive replacement or pinch-hitter (3-for-23; .158 a year ago) - skills usually required of extra outfielders. And the Yankees have Kevin Thompson and Kevin Reese who can pinch run and play defense."

5. Thompson.
6. Reese.


I mean, sure, if the Yankees are hit with a lot of injuries, then Bernie would be a great player to have waiting in the wings.

Maybe Bernie would be willing to play in Scranton all year and wait for a September call-up or wait for a few injuries on the 25-man roster.

It's quite a demotion for a player with near-HOF credentials, but it's his life, and playing baseball for a living is better than a fork in the eye.

Who knows? It's not impossible that Bernie will one day play again for the Yankees.

Just please, please, please take a realistic look at the Yankees' 2007 roster and don't create absurd scenarios just to fit Bernie in.

Like this:

"Or they could use Cairo at first against lefties, and thus not need either Phelps or Phillips."

Miguel Cairo at first base against lefties?

Or they could use a 3-man rotation.

Or they could petition the commissioner's office for a 26-man roster.

Or they could play Jorge in CF on Sunday day games, freeing up the catcher position for Bernie.

All ARod, all the time.

It's apparently headline news when Alex Rodriguez goes to a bookstore and says nothing interesting.

Some of the headlines actually read, "Alex Rodriguez Sidesteps Questions."

Not to get all technical, but shouldn't news at least contain something new?


Jerry Crasnick has attempted an impossible task.

He's predicting the future or ARod and the Yankees and, for the sake of brevity, he has taken an infinite number of possibilities and boiled them down to three.

Crasnick has basically presented the Three Bears' porridge: Scenario one is too cold, scenario two is too hot, and scenario three is in between. Something will happen in the next year and it will likely approximate one of those three scenarios.

What's interesting to me is scenario one, which is where we may be able draw the line in the sand. ARod's 2004 postseason:

"Rodriguez's 2007 regular-season numbers are impressive, but they're rendered meaningless when the Yankees are bounced in the Division Series. It's A-Rod's fourth straight October flameout, and he's getting torched on WFAN radio and buried in the tabloids. He's thinking about wearing a Bobby Valentine nose-and-glasses disguise around town just to maintain his sanity."

2004 ALDS: 4 games, 8-for-19, 3 2b, 1 hr, 2 walks, 2 stolen bases, 3 runs, 2 rbis. .421 ba, .476 ob%, .737 slg%

2004 ALCS: 7 games, 8-for-31, 2 2b, 2 hr, 4 walks, 8 runs, 3 rbis. .258 ba, .378 ob%, .516 slg%.

2004 playoffs: 11 games, 16-for-50, 5 2b, 3 hr, 6 walks, 2 stolen bases, 11 runs, 5 rbis. .320 ba, .414 ob%, .600 slg%.


This is why I don't trust the anti-ARod crowd.

Not because of the criticisms of 2005 and 2006 postseasons. The numbers speak for themselves and he deserves a large dose of blame.

But when he was unfairly criticized for his 2004 postseason, I lost faith in the credibility of the accuser.

What's your agenda when you claim that ARod "flamed out" in the 2004 postseason?

Is Vlad Guerrero a choker because he hit 1-for-20 in the 2005 ALCS?

Is Albert Pujols a choker because he hit 3-for-15 in the World Series, when it really counts?

If the answer is "yes" in one case, then the answer is "yes" in all cases. Because that's the small sample size horse you rode in on. When that horse bucks you off, your butt is going to hurt.

Expect misfortune when reading a Wallace Matthews column.

"Or go back to last August, when Rodriguez camped under an easy pop-up and out of nowhere came his nemesis, er, teammate, Derek Jeter, running into him, knocking the ball out of his glove, and subjecting poor Alex to the scorn of the Yankee Stadium faithful once again.

Never mind that the error was later shifted to Jeter. For the rest of the game, the crowd continued to jeer A-Rod as if he had recreated Merkle's Boner."

Yuck.

Speaking of boners, Wallace Matthews hasn't lost his hard-on for Joe Torre:

"[Alex Rodriguez] has 119 homers and 357 RBIs in three years here, won a second MVP, yet his tenure is widely viewed as a disaster. When viewed through the prism of situations, not statistics, A-Rod's Yankees career is truly less than the sum of its parts.

When last seen in pinstripes, Rodriguez had been ignominiously dropped to eighth in the order after his 1-for-11 performance in the first three playoff games against the Tigers. He responded to the motivational tactic by going hitless in the season-ending 8-3 loss that nearly cost Joe Torre his job."

When viewed through the prism of Wallace Matthews's brain, Joe Torre's blameshifting tactic is motivational.

Football is still different than baseball.

"Last night's title and MVP for Peyton Manning didn't prove he's a clutch performer. The 2005 and 2006 ALDS's didn't prove A-Rod is an unclutch performer. They're just samples of data, surrounded by noise. Manning's ring does, however, prove one thing: he's capable of coming through in the biggest situations, he does have what it takes. And everyone who said he didn't was wrong."

I just disagree with the part about Manning playing spectacularly in the 2007 playoffs.

Manning "proved he could win the big game" because the Colts defense got good.

Strange Days.

Esteemed Senator Kerry,

As one of one-hundred United States senators, what is foremost in your mind?

"A Red Sox fan ought to be able to watch their team without having to switch to DirecTV."

Well, they can always listen on the radio or follow pitch-by-pitch on the Internet.

Problem solved.

Next in the inbox is the $999,000,0000,0000,000.00 budget deficit.

Seriously, though: What about the buildup of American warships in the Persian Gulf? The latest scientific reports that global warming is accelerating and irreversible? The "uptick" of American troops in Iraq?

I mean, do you even realize that you're supposedly a representative of the American people and most American people don't even care about baseball?

They care about feeding their children and the price of gas.