Ba dumb dumb.

"Remember when the New York Yankees had one single mission in life, and that mission was to suck every ounce of oxygen, joy and life out of each baseball fan on the planet who wasn't wearing a cap with an interlocking NY?"
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Seriously.

No.


"No, seriously, there was a time, way back when George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre were in charge, when the Yankees were wholly consumed by winning a World Series. They lived and breathed it, never bothering to pay attention to the smaller things that simply were a waste of their time."

"Way back" when George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre were in charge. Who are those guys? It was so long ago, their names have probably been lost to the cruel, unforgiving sands of time.


"Those proud Yankees never would have signed off on $50,000 to jackhammer through the concrete of a new stadium simply to dig out a David Ortiz T-shirt."

That's precisely the kind of nonsense that Steinbrenner loves. Evil Empire, Yogi Berra Day, Mystique & Allure, Monument Park, Curse of the Babe, on and on and on. Put Goose Gossage in a Toyota Pinstripe car and make sure Rizzuto has plenty of cannolis for good luck.

None of it ever helped win a single game, ever.


"Those proud Yankees inspired their fans to aspire to skyscraper heights."

It is definitely true. Jerome from Manhattan won a Nobel Prize and Billy Crystal starred in "Analyze That."


"Back then, this was the organization that retired (and retired, and retired, and retired, and kept retiring) numbers of the only true greats. And its fans, who would settle for nothing less, taunted players on other teams, not one of their own.

Not anymore."

You've never been to Yankee Stadium, have you?

I'd say there has never been a bullpen pitcher in my lifetime who didn't get taunted by the Yankee Stadium crowd.

Mariano Rivera was booed in early '05. Jeter was booed when he slumped in April one year. The fans cheered for Jaret Wright only when he left the mound with an injury.

Guys like Jeff Weaver, Javier Vazquez, Hideki Irabu, Armando Benitez, and Denny Neagle never had a shot.


"Today's Yankees are paranoid that a cotton shirt may wield more power than all of their resources combined, their fans are obsessing over the numbers on the players' backs and the best prospects in their rotation are pitching like they're auditioning for the, gasp, Florida Marlins."

Gasp ... the Florida Marlins? ... gasp!

The Yankees are not really paranoid, you moron. They're just digging up the shirt as a publicity stunt. It worked, evidently, and probably got a lot more than $50k in free advertising.


"No wonder Pope Benedict XVI was presiding over Mass in Yankee Stadium on Sunday while the Yankees were off in Baltimore, attempting to avoid being swept by the Orioles in three games there for the first time since 2005. Sunday, charity began at the Yankees' home."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I was watching this one local newscaster, and she said, "Lots of fans gathered at Yankee Stadium today, but it wasn't to root for ARod or Jeter ... "

That's kooky! The fans are at Yankee Stadium but they're not there to root for ARod or Jeter?

Then came the punchline: It was the Pope the whole time!

No, seriously, go with this angle. Because of the tense juxtaposition between a religious ceremony on a baseball field, the joke can never get old. It just can't.

"Hey, Pope! Why don't you bless Ian Kennedy, because his ERA is over 9.00!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I tip my cap. It's all I can do. You're a pro-fess-io-nal wri-ter. You should send that stuff to the Tonight Show.