Hiroki Kuroda isn't bad.

Somebody needs to shut Mike Lupica up. My sides are splitting:

"Chris Christie really is a huge Mets fan, so it was kind of neat to hear him tell Boomer and Carton the other day that he’d like to be general manager of the Mets."

Chris Christie is huge, I'll agree with that.

Ha ha, get it?

Because he's fat.


"But with everybody constantly talking about the Mets’ finances and Jersey’s deficit being what it is — is this really a good idea?"

No, it isn't a good idea.

Oh, wait ... that was supposed to be funny.

Ha ha! The fiscal problems on New Jersey linked to the financial problems with the Mets.

You should totally go to the George Washington Bridge scandal next. We're set up for the knockout punch.


"Well, if Christie does end up with the Mets, at least think about taking the 7 train and not the RFK Bridge if you’re coming to the game from the city."

Killed it.


"Who watched Hiroki Kuroda fade the way he did last season and thought the Yankees should pay big-time, ace money to re-sign this guy at the age of 39?

One more time, every time the Yankees act as if it were some kind of act of God that they got this old:

These players didn’t sign themselves.

Kuroda didn’t do it and neither did Ichiro and neither did Alfonso Soriano and neither did Brian Roberts."

Bartolo Colon didn't sign himself, either, and neither did Albert Pujols or Prince Fielder or Josh Hamilton or Ichiro and his 3 RBIs ... or Jeter and his ... his ... his 1 HR ... and his 8 RBIs ... and his sit-back-on-high-choppers-and-turn-them-into-infield-singles thing because he has no range at SS.


But Kuroda is pretty good (3-3, 4.55 ERA, Yankee Stadium, bad offensive support, bad defensive support) and he isn't being paid ace money.

Kuroda is the third-highest paid pitcher on the Yankees and the 17th-highest paid  pitcher in MLB.

In terms of the overall contract, it's only one year.




Brian Roberts is literally making $2 million this year. I'm guessing there are some performance incentives, because MLB players generally get $2 million per year for rolling out of bed and tying their shoes.

It would be almost impossible to find a veteran free agent who makes less money than Brian Roberts. I'm not sure it's legal to pay a veteran free agent less than Brian Roberts.

He isn't very good, and maybe the Yankees are biding their time hoping to score Utley.

But the Yankees knew he wasn't very good.

That's why he's only making $2 million ...and he already has 9 whole RBIs.

Relatively speaking, Roberts and Kuroda are bargains.

Felz Stat of the Day

Yankees with two outs and RISP after 46 games:

AB: 191

BA: .188

OB%: .272

SLG%: .262

Derek Jeter plays catch.

Some weekend editor for the NY Post tries to get a rise out of Jeter fans.

The thing is, this guy doesn't really follow sports.

The other thing is, it's not really that difficult to find Jeter detractors.

But of all the attacks, this has got to be one of the oddest:

"In the second-to-last Subway Series game, Jeter came out for a pregame warmup with a video crew.
A cameraman furiously backpedaled while contorting his body to such an extreme to get that all-important low-angle shot — creating that larger than life 'Jeterian' image of the captain taking the field.

Jeter began running sprints in left field as his video entourage was told by security guards it could not be on the playing field. So, rather than warm up on the infield, the Yankee shortstop had a soft toss in front of the visitors dugout, which gave total access to the filmmakers.

 With each successive throw, Jeter moved farther and farther down the left-field line while adoring Yankee fans looked on.

More perfect shots for a final-season homage."



"It’s only May, and it’s already getting ridiculous. How many times can we say goodbye?

I have a no doubt that this holiday season Steiner Sports will be offering Jeter memorabilia, including a three-hour documentary highlighting the Farewell Tour (only $19.95!).

Perhaps I will be included in crowd shot; I’ll be the one with the look of disdain on his face."

You'll be the one who nobody is paying attention to.

Mike Lupica handicaps the Cy Young Award.

"Of all the money Brian Cashman spent so the Yankees, coming off an 85-win season, could just keep pace in the American League East — you would think that spending nearly half a billion would actually buy the AL East like a second home — the money that matters so far is what he had to spend to get Tanaka."

I don't think many people expected the Yankees to win the AL East. Though they are in first place at the moment.

Why? Because the Yankees lost their best player in the off season. They also lost their closer.

So the "nearly half a billion" the Yankees spent in the off season, spread over 5 or 6 or 7 seasons, is not really all that much per season in modern-day baseball.

Tanaka has been one of the best pitchers in the game; Ellsbury has been great; Beltran is hurt; McCann is overpaid, but the Yankees knew what they were getting wit h McCann ... they seem to be satisfied with a bunch of HRs and good defense.


"He still has to pitch out the season. He may even lose a game one of these days. There are other pitching stars to talk about in baseball. Max Scherzer beat Jon Lester in a 1-0 game at Fenway Park Friday night that was something to see, and Scherzer, pitching for what he hopes will be a heart-stopping new contract, is already 6-1 with a 1.83 ERA.

Mark Buehrle has been spectacular so far. So has Sonny Gray of the Athletics. Clayton Kershaw isn’t going anywhere, and neither is Justin Verlander, both of whom have already signed heart-stopping contracts of their own. With it all, Tanaka has been the pitcher in baseball to watch this season, the one to talk about. He has delivered in all ways, and done it at the Stadium. He has done it in New York."

Mmmmkay.

Who else is in the running for the Cy Young Award?


"Henrik Lundqvist, the Rangers goalie, might make a run at him if the Rangers get on a run to the Stanley Cup Finals, that is the way it goes around here, for any team that has a chance to win it all. We are going to find out, first against the Canadiens, if the Rangers can come from being 1-3 down against the Penguins the way they were and can get on the same kind of roll the Giants did that time, when they went from 7-7 to winning another Super Bowl off the Patriots."

No boxers or "Dancing with the Stars" contestants?

Daily News scores an exclusive story about Alex Rodriguez.

Four writers taking credit.

An anonymous source says Alex Rodriguez almost retired from baseball due to mental and physical exhaustion.

I didn't read the rest of it because, like everybody else, I am not paying too much attention to Alex Rodriguez right now.

It's like scoring an exclusive interview with Hollywood legend Butch Patrick.

It's like forcing yourself to watch a new episode of the Simpsons.

Put the Subway Series out of its misery:

"So this was before the Mets had finally won 12-7, officially made it two in a row this season off the Yankees and six in a row going back to last season, before they had also made it official that after 38 games they have the same record as the Yankees do at 19-19.

So there was still more baseball to be played on this stupidly long baseball night at the Stadium, before Mets fans were allowed to ask this question:"

"Stupidly long."

Like a Mike Lupica article.


"If one team wins all the time, how much of a rivalry is it, really?"


This is not a rivalry.


"This was in Section 223 in the top of the sixth, a couple of Mets fans from Kearny, N.J. up there. Jose Carvalho, a 25-year-old accountant, was wearing a black David Wright jersey. His friend Alex Almeida, 22, a year away from becoming an accountant himself, was wearing his blue Wright jersey.

They both were still in high school the last time the Mets were in the playoffs. But this wasn’t the night to look back on the wreckage of the past several seasons, this was a night to revel in their team beating up the Yankees again.

'I wish we could play the Yankees all season long,' Jose Carvalho said.

'We don’t want to leave here,' Alex Almeida said. 'Please don’t make us.' "

Zing!

Must I tell the truth about this? The truth that Mets fans know in their hearts? Just how anticlimactic this has been the past two seasons? Finally winning the phony NY Crown and the prize is nothing more than a .500 team and an ocean of empty green seats at Citi Field?


"Wright got three hits and is nearly back to .300. Suddenly Granderson, who looked lost in April, is up to .205. Murphy is hitting .320. It was the Yankees who hurt themselves hitting into double plays in the second game of the Subway Series, particularly Derek Jeter in the fourth, guys on base, Yankees with a chance to get right back into it, Jeter hitting into a 1-6-3."

Gee, did Jeter really ground into a double play?

Though I must commend Lupica on his in-depth statistical research. There is plenty of evidence to support the notion that the 2014 Mets are better than the 2014 Yankees. Lupica gives us the batting averages of three players.


"They spend like drunks, and the crowd goes wild. The Mets don’t spend nearly enough to suit their fans. But for now the two teams have the same record. The Mets were supposed to be in big trouble and now have won three in a row. The Yankees are at .500 and, guess what? The last time they were at .500 last season, even with all the injuries and what felt like replacement players, was at 5-5. After 38 games they were 24-14."

The Yankees are mediocre, last year and this year.

That is why the Subway Series is lame. That is why beating the Yankees six games in a row is unsatisfying. You don't tell your grandkids about the time you managed to beat Vidal Nuno.

I don't know who's replacing Gee on the mound tomorrow, but the final two games of this series will likely have a total of one starting pitcher anyone has heard of.

The rest of the baseball world is laughing at New York's so-called rivalry.

The joke's on all of us.


I partake in the ritual. I am a fan. I hope Jose and Alex had a fun time and enjoyed themselves, though I wish the Yankees had won the game.

But let's not pretend you're really jazzed up about this. It's like beating the Lakers without Kobe.

There's an unformulated joke in here somewhere.

What happens when Jonathan Papelbon pitches to Mark Teixeira?

Then the answer is something like, he doesn't, because one of them is too tired ... or one of them pulled something ... or ...

Point is, well, the point is, these two guys sure are a couple of marshmallows.

Felz Stat of the Day

In the last 200 games, the Yankees are 104-96, with a -39 run differential.

Teixeira's legs are tired.

"Though he has six homers in his last 12 games and is playing his usual stellar defense, Teixeira has dealt now and again with fatigue. He labored to score from second on Yangervis Solarte’s deep single in the seventh inning and took his time rounding the bases on his homer on Sunday because he said he was simply gassed."

Well, he has not been playing stellar defense, for one thing.

Secondly, he took his time rounding the bases on his homer because he was simply gassed?

For crying out loud, get a Tony Little gazelle.

Congratulations. You got your man in exchange for your soul.

Meanwhile, Melky Cabrera is batting .335 with a career-high slugging average of .532. I guess right under Selig's nose? But, more likely, Selig doesn't care about PED use anymore.

I was just thinking how the Daily News seemed to had surprisingly backed off its ARod obsession.

Mike Lupica's Inner Circle

"Here is an American League manager and a good one, one from outside Derek Jeter’s division, talking about Jeter on Wednesday, now that Jeter has put more than 100 at-bats into the books in the last season of baseball he will ever play for the Yankees."

Who?

It can only be one of ten people in the entire world, yet you won't tell us who.

Maybe it's top secret information; or something very controversial.

" 'Just remember what it was like for (David) Ortiz a few years ago (2010),' the guy said, 'when he looked a lot worse than (Jeter) is right now. People wanted the Red Sox to cut him.'

I told him I remembered that, everybody does, but then reminded him that Ortiz was just 34 at the time. Jeter turns 40 at the end of June, and he does that after the lost season of 2013.

'Jeter is six years older than Ortiz was,' I said.

'But he’s still Jeter.' "

I told him I remembered that, everybody does, but then reminded him: Steroids.

"I mentioned all the analytics about how Jeter can’t pull hard stuff anymore. It made the guy laugh.

'No one ever played Derek Jeter to pull,' he said.

Then he added this: 'I know how old he is. I know how short his range looks at short. But in my heart, I believe this is one player you write off at your own risk.' "

Jeez, that's it?

So your secret conversation discovered an AL manager who's pro-Jeter?

"I believe he is right. Jeter has looked old sometimes this season, as old as most 40-year-olds who have ever tried to play shortstop in the big leagues have ever looked. And there have been times when it has looked as if Curtis Granderson has hit a harder .175 than the .255 Jeter took into the third game of the Yankees-Angels series on Wednesday night."

Oh, wow.

Lupica is pro-Jeter, everybody. Now you can rest easy.

I don't know what Curtis Granderson has to do with it, but it doesn't matter.

A bold pro-Jeter stance by Mike Lupica and his anonymous AL manager.

You know what? Put numbers around it or your prediction is useless.

If Jeter's back at full throttle, then what is his slugging percentage going to be the rest of the season? Right now, it's around .300 for the season, which is bad, and that has held for the past two seasons and almost 200 at-bats.

"Of course you know the season hasn’t started the way Jeter wanted it to if already there is discussion, some of it overheated, about Joe Girardi dropping No. 2 of the Yankees out of the No. 2 spot in the batting order. The controversy of April and May was supposed to be about how many days off Girardi will give him, not how much of an easy out Jeter has been hitting where he is still hitting."

It's not a controversy.

'99 Jeter is not sitting on the bench. Brendan Ryan isn't going to hit 30 HRs. Jeter is the best option simply because there aren't any other good options.

Also, Jeter is not going to get benched because he is currently the only popular player on the team. Tanaka may get some juice by the end of the season, but not Jeter Is Retiring level.

"DiMaggio hit .263 that year, with 12 home runs and 71 RBI in 116 games after hitting .300 the year before with 30 home runs and 122 RBI. DiMaggio did not turn 37 until after he’d limped away from his last season as a Yankee. Jeter is 39 going on 40. You have to at least wonder if DiMaggio’s numbers from 1951 are looking pretty good to Jeter right now."

Thanks for the heavy duty statistical research, but I don't see why you're bringing up DiMaggio (or Granderson, or Ortiz).

Jeter is not as good as he used to be. He is past his prime. It's very cowardly to make a predictions of future success without putting numbers around it.

If Jeter finishes the season with 12 HRs and 60 RBIs, is that some kind of big comeback?

Because ARod is going to do that in 2015 and get booed until his head explodes.

"The scout continued: 'Now we’re going to see if he can make the right adjustments and start hitting the ball the way he used to, and beat you. Or maybe there’s no adjustment he can make, and Father Time just beats him.'

Maybe that is the analytical way to look at things. But he is Jeter. Even this late in the game, it is too early to write him off."

I think Jeter's batting average will be fine, but his on-base% and slugging% will be too low and his overall production will be low in terms of runs scored and runs batted in.

Major league players are often judged by runs scored and runs batted in. Just a standard "analytical" way to look at things.

I suspect Jeter's deficiencies in these areas will be ignored by his cheerleaders and, therefore, if Jeter bats .280 and scores 50 runs, Lupica can declare Victory.

So here are some precise numbers I am forecasting: .280 BA, 12 HRs, 75 runs, 60 RBIs. Decide for yourself if that qualifies as a comeback. I'd say that's unproductive, but the best option the Yankees have, and better than the slop they threw out at SS last season.

If I underestimated Jeter's production, I will be thrilled. I can also take some pride in the fact that at least I made a real prediction.

Yankees are in first place after 29 games.

Last season, the Replacement Yankees were 1.5 games out after 29 games. Which is what matters.

There are quite a few observations one can make about the 2014 Yankees, but Mike Lupica hasn't got the time for that:

"After 29 games last season, already looking like a replacement team, the Yankees were 18-11.

After 29 games this season, they are 16-13.

Just sayin’ "

After 29 games, the 1977 Yankees were 17-12 ... and they won the World Series!

After 29 games, the 2012 Giants were 14-15 ... and they won the World Series!

Hooray!

We're going to win the World Series!

This includes Ellsbury's clutch single last night.

2014 Yankees with 2 outs and RISP

131 AB

.183/.267/.221

24 hits, 5 doubles, 0 triples, 0 homeruns

Fans are fanatical.

Steve Politi tears down some low-hanging fruit:

"Still, since Yankee fans love to consider themselves among the smartest and most engaged in professional sports, it’s only fair to point out the naïveté of what happened in the first inning Tuesday night."

Do Yankee fans really consider themselves this?

Or is it just something that sportswriters claim Yankee fans consider themselves?


"That was when those fans went from merely bitter to downright dopey."

Neither.

Perhaps the loss of Cano should have caused an emotional response from Yankee fans in general, but he was simply never a huge draw.


"That was when Robinson Cano, for the first time in his Seattle Mariners uniform, trotted to his familiar spot at second base and was serenaded this throaty chant from the once-adoring Bleacher Creatures: 

'You sold out! You sold out! You sold out!'

It was loud, it was rehearsed, and even if Cano said later that he didn’t hear it, it was all you could do not to run out to left field and check to see if the beer sales were abnormally high."

It was cold outside, so beer sales were likely abnormally low.

From a Yankee fan perspective, Cano sold out because he joined a team that wasn't the Yankees. Fan psychology is not very complicated.


"Forget, for a moment, that the fans were sitting in a stadium that cost $1 billion – a giant ATM that George Steinbrenner built to replace a baseball shrine that once sat across the street.

Forget, too, that this is a franchise built on the backs of players who, for decades, have left other teams for the nine-digit contracts that only the Yankees were willing to pay. Jason Giambi. Mark Teixeira. CC Sabathia.

Forget, finally, that the team spent nearly $500 million just this offseason on players, including $153 million on Jacoby Ellsbury – who, it should be noted, received a warm reception from the team he left, the hated Red Sox."

That is a lot of things to forget and I'm finding it more difficult to forget since you just reminded me.


"This, on a dreary night in the Bronx, was cold in every way. Cano – who had nine elite-level seasons in New York, won a championship in 2009 and was an MVP-caliber player on a bad team last season – received as rough a reception as anyone can remember for a returning Yankee player."

Get a grip. The booing was mild and good-natured and the real insult is when a returning player is completely ignored, which is what happens most of the time.


"Instead, when CC Sabathia struck out Cano swinging to end the first inning, the crowded cheered wildly. It happened again when he grounded to first, where Teixeira made a soft toss to Sabathia to record the out.

That is, when the first baseman with the $180-million contract tossed to the pitcher who opted out three years into a $161-million contract to sign a new $122 million contract."

Right.

They are our sellouts because they are currently wearing the Pinstripes.

We root for a piece of laundry, as Seinfeld would say.

The fans are not as foolish as you seem to think. They understand how their team was constructed. They understand the payroll advantage the Yankees enjoy. They understand that most players would take the money and run.

They weren't engaging in a philosophical dissertation. They were just having some fun at the ballpark. Good times.

Fans are not hypocrites because their only principle is to root for their team.

Fans are drunk and funny and enjoying themselves.

Cano was not a big star in NY simply because he was overshadowed by many other players.

The boos directed towards him were quite mild and good-natured

Speaking of the actual baseball game:

1) When will the press officially cease referring to CC Sabathia as an ace?

2) Why the heck does Brett Gardner strike out so much? It's the craziest stat on the Yankees. He strikes out as often as a power hitter and he hits less than 10 HRs per season.

Phil Mushnick is probably the funnest guy to hang out with.

"While stuck in the car with John Sterling on Saturday, listening to one of his lectures about baseball, it struck me: If he knows so much about baseball, why, for the last 25 years, has he not waited for the umpire’s home-run signal before calling it a home run?

And with 40 years of radio play-by-play experience, he always pooh-poohed fundamentals.


On Saturday, his 'At the end of 6 ½, 4-3, Yanks' — a standard Sterling cut-away — doesn’t cut it for radio. Audiences can’t see whom the Yankees are playing."

1) You weren't "stuck in your car." You were at home with the radio on listening intently to your favorite radio announcer. You don't need to make excuses. You love it and we love you for loving it.

2) You knew the whole time who the Yankees were playing.

Jesus Montero is fat.

 Pineda was traded for Montero, as we all know.

Therefore, Jon Heyman feels compelled to bring up Montero ... and mention the word "neck":

"Maybe they are guilty of not knowing how crazy he is about this stuff, of not knowing that on the maturity scale he's in a neck-and-neck (sorry) battle for the basement with even Jesus Montero, the young man with the sinking career he was traded for two years ago, the young man who admitted upon arriving in Seattle's camp this spring that the reason he looked like he weighed 270 pounds and resembled a blimp is that he couldn't stop himself from eating everything in sight.

Montero is buried in the minors for struggling Seattle, so in terms of baseball value the Yankees stand far ahead in the trade of child-like savants. They are quite a pair indeed, a couple addicts in their own way (Montero for food and Pineda pine tar). But in the race for maturity, by owning up to his sins even Montero may be a neck in front."

Teixeira's 0-for-4 with 4 strikeouts could sink the season.

Reactions are required.

Over-reactions are dumb:

"Just in case Michael Pineda never makes it as a New York Yankee, he decided to prep himself for a second career as a stand-up comic. How else can anyone explain a 'Saturday Night Live' skit disguised as a Fenway Park start against the defending World Series champs?"

No one is defending it.


"Funny? This was Kevin Hart times Steve Carell funny. The same pitcher who used pine tar on his throwing hand in his last start against the Boston Red Sox, only to get away with it, decided to apply the same PED (performance-enhancing dirt) to the right side of his neck Wednesday night, in full view of millions of viewers and, ultimately, the umpire who tossed him from the game."

Funny? No.

No one said it was funny.


"If there's even going to be an October, that is. What if the Yankees end Jeter's career by losing out on a playoff spot by one game, or two, in part because one of their most talented pitchers got himself ejected and suspended over something so impossibly foolish?

Then Michael Pineda's comedy act at Fenway won't seem the least bit funny."

Way to bring it home.

No one said it was funny in the first place.


If the Yankees miss the playoffs by one game, or two, there are thousands upon thousands of reasons why. If their garbage $20 million first baseman hits 0 HRs this season, then they won't make the playoffs and Jeter will cry. Wait, what does this have to do with Jeter?


If the Yankees don't have enough pitching depth to cover two Pineda starts, they won't make the playoffs, anyway. Besides, there's no reason to think a Pineda start is a guaranteed win. Maybe Nuno will pitch 12 shutout innings and it's a blessing in disguise ... the Yankees make the playoffs BY ONE GAME and Jeter gets a ring ... and we can all thank John Farrell, in retrospect, for saving the Yankees' season.

I searched for "PED" in this David Ortiz article.

This is what I found:

"Undoubtedly, Ortiz's legacy jumped to a different level last year."

They won. They beat the Braves. They're 9-9.

So you're the "Big G."

... and there is really no reason to think you'd have anything more than a moderately successful major league career if you hadn't taken steroids.

... and you've re-branded yourself as a positive clubhouse influence.

... and you're apparently going straight a major-league manager job when you retire.

... and you were never suspended, not even for a single game.

... and, as Alex Rodriguez pays for your sins, I'm wondering why you would even be allowed have a job in the major leagues.

Don't say Alex Rodriguez.

Can Mike Lupica go an entire week without mentioning ARod?:

"You know the best thing to ever happen to Ryan Braun, like in his whole life?"

Like, don't say, like, Alex Rodriguez.


"Alex Rodriguez."

OMG.


That's all you have to say on the matter? A missed learning opportunity. Maybe you could have explored the injustice of double standards and the media's role in fostering animus and infiltrating the legal process.

I love the Yankees' increased use of the defensive shifts ...

... and the defensive shifts surely seem to be effective.

Last night, Suzyn Waldman pointed out that the pitcher needs to throw the ball in the right place in order to properly execute the strategy.


I understand what she is trying to say.

She's trying to say that a hitter can easily punch an outside pitch through the hole ... assuming that's what the hitter is inclined to attempt.


Having said that, the notion that a pitcher needs to execute his pitches in order to be effective?

Yeah.

That's kind of known as "pitching."

J.R. Murphy

Girardi will call him Murphy-ey:

"Though Murphy had been referred to as 'J.R' for about five years, he actually goes by 'John Ryan,' he told Dan Pfeiffer of bronxpinstripes.com. 'I've always been John Ryan to my family,' he said. 'It was only a baseball thing that they shortened my name to J.R.' "

I must concede, Jeter's playing time is a topic people want to talk about.

Girardi is going to rest an elderly, injured player. That's not really a topic for discussion. I think the Yankee attendance is going to go way down next year, and the Yankees already know this.

Girardi rests Jeter.

Found someone who mentioned it.

But was Girardi really catching flak?

Baseball players not playing for the 2014 Yankees.

"This was about 11 o’clock on Saturday morning before a Red Sox-Yankees game, second Saturday of the season, and Joe Girardi wasn’t just explaining why Derek Jeter wasn’t in his starting lineup — maybe you missed it, but Jeter’s retiring at the end of the season — Girardi was also showing you why it is so easy to root for him, and how well he does handling a job as big as there is in sports."

I sure hope ths is a mindblowing quote from Girardi.


“ 'I have to manage (Jeter) with a focus of winning games and keeping him healthy, not being a farewell tour,' Girardi said. 'I wasn’t hired to put on a farewell tour.' "

Yes, Jeter is old.


"Right there, before Hiroki Kuroda threw the first pitch on Saturday afternoon or a run was scored, ..."

On account of it being about 11 o'clock in the morning and the game started about 1 o'clock in the afternoon.


" ... Girardi had given you the money quote of the day, and the headline."

Jesus, you really don't even bother watching the games, do you?

McCann's two HRs didn't surpass that quote as the headline?


"But Girardi, who wasn’t being pressed on his decision or braced in the interview room, talked about that decision as if he wasn’t just playing to those of us sitting across from him in the interview area across from the Yankee clubhouse, but playing to the bleachers as well."

Well, gee.

A manager was using the press to communicate with the fans.

Maybe if Girardi kisses Lupica's butt just enough, Lupica will write a nice article.


"So Jeter was a story on Saturday because he wouldn’t be starting a day game after a night game."

Was Jeter a story? Was this a headline? Was this a money quote?

I haven't seen mention of these things anywhere else.

It's also not the first time this season that Jeter has been rested.


"But the more intriguing absent player for the Yankees is the one — Cano — who will be missing all the games this season, and next season, and the eight after that because he is playing for the Mariners. The Yankees try to beat the Red Sox and everybody else now without their best hitter and one of the best in the game."

Errr ... nice transition.

If you wanted to write an article about Cano, why didn't you just write an article about Cano?


"The Yankees lose Jeter next season. But now they’ve lost Cano forever, because of a business decision so clearly informed by what the end of Alex Rodriguez’s 10-year contract looks like, and the disaster it has become for them, and not just financially, even with Rodriguez off the books this season because of his drug suspension.

Once Jeter stood there at shortstop at Yankee Stadium and had Rodriguez, when he could still play and still hit, on his right and Cano, with his own immense talent for baseball, on his left. Both gone from Yankee Stadium. Rodriguez’s locker, no name plate on it, is next to Jacoby Ellsbury’s now. Cano’s locker, to Jeter’s right, near the entrance to the showers, belongs to Carlos Beltran, whose job it is to supply runs and danger in the middle of the lineup the way Cano did for a long time."

Thanks for the informative update regarding the layout of the Yankee locker room.

Guess what, everybody? Beltran's locker is near the entrance to the showers.


I don't get it. Are you trying to convince us that you were inside the Yankee locker room? We believe you.

The rest of the information provided is very old news. Jeter's retiring, Cano's gone, ARod is supspended, Beltran and Ellsbury have joined the Yankees.


"Still: Taking Cano out of the lineup is like taking a Cabrera away, or a Mike Trout, or a Papi Ortiz."

If Papi is on steroids, that is.

Yes, we are in total agreement. The Yankees lost their best hitter. That was in December. This is April.


"You have to know the deal with managers and coaches, whether they’ve got long-term contracts or not: They want to do everything in their power to make sure the farewell tour isn’t their own."

Money quote, Lupica! Money quote!

So your point is ... well, I'm not sure. It sure took a long time to get there.

Jeter is old, and Jeter no long plays with Cano or ARod, whose lockers no longer house their clothes, since they're no longer on the team, so why would their clothes be in that locker if they're no longer on the team? The manager of the Yankees will have to manage the players on the team instead of managing the players who used to be on the team, and some of the current players are old, and all of the current players are inferior to Cano, who is no longer on the team. and whose locker is now occupied by Ellsbury ... I mean, Beltran ... wait, who got Cano's old locker?

In summary, Alex Rodriguez.


"Oh, I get it:

Now Alex Rodriguez just wants to be left alone."

Yes, why won't your newspaper just leave him alone?

Or can you at least write something interesting about him?

In the last week or so, I've read a lot about ARod doing nothing.

Good investigative reporting about the empty nameplate on his locker. Almost as good as the article about how ARod was not going to be a MLB TV analyst.

Answering a question nobody was asking.

Unless someone was asking whether or not Alex Rodriguez would make a good TV baseball analyst.

I knew that while ARod was under suspension that the one-trick-pony so-called sportswriters at the Daily News would stretch the story past its breaking point.

In order to keep their ARod quota, they're just make stuff up out of thin air.

Nova isn't a big mystery.

"Five years into the Ivan Nova experiment, the Yankees still have no idea what to expect whenever the big fellow climbs a mound.

The maddening version of Nova showed up again at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday, when the Yankees lost a very ugly one, 14-5, to the Orioles. His pitches strayed way up in the strike zone, he was hammered by virtually every Baltimore batter and soon enough Nova was walking off the mound to a cascade of jeers, having given up 10 hits and seven runs in 3.2 innings."

He's a good pitcher, not a great pitcher.

He's a good pitcher who had a lousy game.

Besides, I thought it was Jeter's fault.


"Maybe he could have been a bit luckier. There was a moment in the first inning, a potential double-play grounder, when Derek Jeter might have rescued Nova. Instead, Jeter looked every bit his 39 years going to his left and the ball scooted under the shortstop’s glove."

Nice.

Jeter's lack of range is a thing now.

"In the first inning, after Nick Markakis had led off the game with a single to center field, the Orioles’ designated hitter, Delmon Young, hit a ground ball toward the shortstop side of second base. After a slow couple of steps, Jeter lunged but could not snag the grounder, which went into center for a single. A shortstop with better range than Jeter’s — he is rated near the bottom in most defensive metrics — could have turned that grounder into a double play, or at least a forceout."

It's going viral.

It's a meme.

Gee, this has been a Felz meme for 19 years. This was a Felz meme before Felz even heard of memes.

What next?

Are people going to notice that Gardner strikes out too often?

Jeter posing for his statue again.

"There was no pomp or pageantry at the Yankees' second home game of the season Tuesday. Nor much performance, either. A day after the fun of Derek Jeter's final home opener and a Core Four reunion, the Yanks fell flat against Baltimore in an ugly 14-5 loss in which they surrendered 20 hits.

Ivan Nova couldn't get out of the fourth inning and Jeter couldn't get to a ground ball up the middle in the first inning that might've saved the Yankees some headaches."

The Yankees lost 14-5 and Jeter hasn't had range to his left in the past 19 years.


"With an older infield of Jeter at short and Brian Roberts at second, infield range was one of the Yankee concerns entering the season."

Right.

Still, the Yankees lost 14-5 and Jeter hasn't had range to his left in the past 19 years.

So the Daily News has identified infield range as a Yankee concern ... and Jeter misses a ground ball in a game that the Yankees lose 14-5.

I suppose if you 're predisposed to look for something, you're bound to find it.

Slag on Teixeira all you want.

Few would disagree that Teixeira should bat lower in the lineup.

I just question the timeliness of this article, what with Teixeira being on the DL and all. It's kind of like explaining why Raul Ibanez should be dropped in the order.

Pondering the definition of "justice" a couple of days after the completion of a series in which Melky Cabrera hit three HRs against the Yankees.

Kiss the ring of Bud Selig, get a smaller suspension. Extortion in the pursuit of justice.

Alex Rodriguez story.

I had a feeling the Daily News crack staff would find itself twiddling its thumbs. You know, baseball season has started.

Alex, I'll take "things a hack sportswriter might say" for $1,000.

Actual summary to Mike Lupica's Mets' game story. Makes me wonder if "they" will find Amelia Earhart before Lupica finds a funny punchline:

"Carlos Torres and Scott Rice had come out of the bullpen behind Gee in the seventh and made you wish Mayor Bill de Blasio, who’d thrown out the first pitch, could come back in to pitch; both making you wonder if they find Jimmy Hoffa on this day before he found the strike zone."

I like how Jimmy Hoffa is still his go-to "missing object" reference.

Oh, and he opens and closes with the Bill de Blasio joke. Because that joke is that damn good. But he explains that de Blasio had thrown out the first pitch, just in case you didn't get the subtle, subversive genius of the joke.

Insert PED joke here.

Nunez sent to minors.

Can't say the press didn't see it coming.

Gee, Mike Lupica is rooting against Jacoby Ellsbury.

While specifically dismissing the potential health concerns of Jonathan Niese and Grady Sizemore, he's predicting doom for Ellsbury. Because Lupica knows the future health of humans. I guess he knows because he's God.

A deity would probably understand the difference between pre-free agency deals and free agency deals:

"If you’re keeping score at home, the Angels keep 22-year-old Mike Trout on essentially the same deal that the Yankees had to give 30-year-old Jacoby Ellsbury."

And half of what Seattle paid for Cano and 40% of what the Tigers paid for Cabrera. More or less, numbers don't matter, anyway, when we round off to the nearest 1/2-billion.

Before you discuss MLB contracts, google "free agency" and maybe you can figure out how this works. It's basic stuff.

Matt Harvey a Yankee?

Well, no:

"We certainly can dismiss this as a story for another day, because Harvey cannot be a free agent until after the 2018 season, and so much can happen between now and then."

Consider it dismissed.

This is why I love Maddon as a manager.

He messes with the batters' heads:

"This spring, the club has utilized more defensive shifts against opponents – putting three infielders on either the right or left side against a pull hitter. And it’s not just against the David Ortizes or the Jose Bautistas of the AL East.

'Any little edge we can get. The numbers don’t lie,' first baseman Mark Teixeira said of the data behind the philosophy. 'We’re just trying to save a run here and there if we can.'

A sampling of pro scouts following the Yankees this spring have said it was inevitable; that the Yankees’ aging infield – with range issues at third base, shortstop and second base – had to evolve a better defensive strategy.

Others say it’s just a sign of the times, with more clubs hooked into statistical analysis."


Naturally, Teixeira doesn't see the value in picking his spots:

"The extra infielder in shallow right field has turned Teixeira’s share of would-be singles into outs, though it hasn’t altered his perspective.

'I’m trying to hit line drives, hit balls in the alley, hit home runs,' Teixeira said. 'When I start trying to hit groundballs the other way, it’s time for me to retire.' "

Is that a threat or a promise?

Baseball!

A 63.00 ERA sounds rusty to me.

Two diet cokes in five hours.

Put him in the Hall of Fame and then stop talking about him.

Not many hits, but Teixeira really enjoying being out there.

Jason Giambi forgives Barry Bonds, good to know.

Joey Votto says it out loud:

"It would have been challenging playing during that era, and certainly without using drugs it would have been challenging. Whereas now, if you use drugs you're kind of the black sheep, it seems like. Who knows how many guys are using something?"

Bill Madden is enabling Terry Collins.

Approximately one year ago, Collins was dishing some spiel about Johan Santana pitching 200 innings and every starting pitcher on the Mets pitching 200 innings.

With the understanding that nothing is impossible, Collins once again crosses the fine line between optimism and delusion. It's difficult to tell if Madden is speaking for himself or relaying Collins's over-the-top prognoses, but this article is basically predicting everyone on the Mets to be an MVP candidate:

"But while Collins’ attempts to keep his head while all of those above him in the Mets command are seemingly losing theirs by suggesting anything less than 90 wins from this Mets team this season will be viewed as a major disappointment, the manager at least has an idea of what he’s going to need to get from each of his players to achieve that goal. Injuries are not part of the equation, and while Collins’ expectations may have seemed, on the surface, a bit of a stretch in some cases, it’s not as if these players haven’t demonstrated an ability to attain them."


A bit of a stretch ...


"The time is now for Travis d’Arnaud, who must assert himself as the No. 1 receiver by staying healthy and catching a minimum of 125-130 games and hitting at least 15 homers, which he did twice in the minors."


In the minors?

I hit more than 15 HRs in a season lots of times. In fact, while playing Atari RealSports Baseball, I have hit 15 HRs in one game. Does that qualify as a demonstrated ability to attain this goal?

1) 15 HRs is not a lot.

2) HRs are not the only stat in baseball. He can be an effective offensive player if he has a lot of singles, doubles, and walks.

3) He hit one HR last season in 99 at-bats. Fifteen doesn't just sound optimistic, it sounds completely irrelevant. If his batting average is floundering below .240 at the all star break, Collins and Madden are just going to talk about how well he handles the pitching staff.


"No matter whom it winds up being — Duda or Davis — Collins agreed he needs to get a minimum of 20 homers and 80 RBI out of this power position."

20/80 combined from your first basemen? It's an improvement from last year. Still pretty bad.


"No matter where Chris Young plays in the outfield, Collins is looking for him to match or surpass his career bests of 32 homers and 91 RBI. No one expects Curtis Granderson to approach his 40-plus homer production of 2011-12 now that he’s playing at Citi Field, but anything less than 25 bombs and 90-plus RBI, especially if he also has 170-plus strikeouts, will be a huge negative for the Mets. In the case of Eric Young Jr., if he wants to keep his place in the outfield, he needs get on base more — think a .340-.350 on base percentage, as opposed to his career .325 number by using his speed to get more bunt hits. If he does that, Collins sees him scoring 125 runs and stealing 50-60 bases out of the leadoff spot. That, especially, is a major ingredient for a 90-win season."

Wow.

If Eric Young Jr. steals 60 bases and scores 125 runs, I'll give him the NL MVP and the Mets could win 100 games. Since we're being delusional, why not go all the way?

He is a 28-year-old with 173 career runs, but he's going to score 125 this year.

The Mets got Mike Trout on the cheap. Who knew?


"But considering the Mets’ uncertain bullpen, it is almost imperative for Collins to get 175-plus innings out of four of his starters. When it came to closer Bobby Parnell and his offseason neck surgery, Collins held up his crossed fingers and said: 'I’m going to assume Bobby will be fine, because I have to, and assuming that he is, I’m looking at 40-50 saves there, with 65-70 appearances from my set-up guys.' "

Fifty saves for Bobby Parnell?

In one season?

In the 2014 season, Bobby Parnell is going to save 50 games?

Bobby Parnell, out of nowhere, is going to lead the majors in saves and shatter the Mets' single-season record for saves?

The problem is, with Eric Young Jr. scoring 125 runs and everybody driving in 90+, you'll win all your games by too many runs. Parnell won't get enough save opportunities.


You know what? I'll go the other way. I'll predict less than 25 saves and losing the closer job due to injury or poor performance. How's that for an optimistic prediction?

Huh?

I think Joel Sherman is exploring dadaism:

"The Mets told Jhonny Peralta they had a Ruben Tejada problem, but only offered him two years to solve it or one fewer than the superior team in New York, the Yankees, were proposing and two fewer than arguably the best-run team in the whole sport, the Cardinals."

Who said what to whom about who?

To Bill Madden, everyone on the Mets is good.

Is that decimal point in the right place?

I thought he was gonna be good.

Justice

Productive player, lazy player.

"You should want the guy on the field helping his team win instead of making an unnecessary show out of sprinting for the sake of public perception. And Cano, through his supposedly unacceptable explanations, seems to realize that. It’s not lazy, it’s smart."

Of course I don't want a player to get hurt. I fail to see how running 90 feet is a dangerous act. If it is, then every motion on the baseball field is dangerous and the only way to avoid injury is to avoid playing altogether.

As for the statistical GP analysis of Cano vs. Jeter, plenty of players (Pete Rose comes to mind) hustled and also played long careers.


But let's say, for argument's sake, that Cano has avoided injury by jogging to first base. Let's pretend that Cano's lack of hustle is the intelligent result of his own cost-benefit analysis. He wants to stay healthy, and that's why he jogs on infield grounders. He's not lazy, he's "smart." (I almost choked on those words, simply because of the mere implication that Cano thoughtfully analyzed this in the first place.)

How do you explain jogging on doubles ... getting thrown out at second base on line drives off the wall?

How do you explain his unwillingness to catch throws from the catcher on attempted steals?

Or his unwillingness to dive after ground balls?

How do you explain his lack of stolen bases? Cano's 162-game average is 4 stolen bases with 3 caught stealing. Thurman Munson had more stolen bases per year. Thurman Munson had three nicknames according to baseball-reference.com: Tugboat, Squatty Body, and the Walrus.

How do you explain getting caught twice in one season on the Jeff Nelson fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move? Twice! In one season! That has to be a record. Was that a smart play because the possibility of running 270 more feet was too much for his hamstrings to take?

Is he a $24 million-per-year DH who will never get an infield hit or take an extra base?

Because if running the bases and playing the field is too dangerous for a professional baseball player, I'm not too sure what's left. Walking (which he doesn't do too often) and hitting homeruns.


Look, on balance, Cano's positives far outweigh his negatives.

But please don't call me crazy for pointing out the obvious all these years; please don't turn laziness into an asset; and please, please, please, most of all, PLEASE don't insult my intelligence by proclaiming Cano's lack of hustle is a well-thought-out strategy.

I don't doubt that Cano spends a lot of time in the batting cage. Like I said before, that activity can only be described as "work" to a professional baseball community who has forgotten what "work" is.

Calamity!

"The Yankees are set up for the same calamity this year that befell them a season ago. They have areas of real fragility and little in the way of strong second-tier options."

If the Yankees' 87-win, third-place finish is a calamity, I wonder what noun Joel Sherman uses to describe Toronto's 2013 season .... or Houston's 2013 season.


"In 2013, as they used a franchise-record 56 players, that meant fire-drill acquisitions of underwhelming players such as Ben Francisco, Lyle Overbay and Vernon Wells, and too many at-bats ultimately for lightweights such as David Adams, Reid Brignac and Luis Cruz."

Overbay was 2nd on the team in RBIs and one of the best investments in the league. The Yankees got 14 HRs and 59 RBIs for $1.25 million. Not that Overbay was overwhelming, he was just wasn't that underwhelming.


"Well, 'The Day After Tomorrow 2' is in pre-production. The Yankees began the offseason with voluminous holes and budgetary constraints on how much could be laid out for 2014. They went big for Carlos Beltran, Jacoby Ellsbury, Brian McCann and Masahiro Tanaka. The result is the Yankees have a terrific top 15 players on their roster."

Awesome.

Let's hope they stay healthy and the Yankees win the World Series.

In the meantime, I'll rent "The Day After Tomorrow" so I can keep up with your pointless pop culture references.

After he leaves, critics are public with their criticisms.

Somebody has never heard of Eduardo Nunez and his 10 career homeruns.

You answered your own question.

He fought because he had nothing to lose, other than lawyer's fees. His career is over either way, right?:

"There’s no way he’ll ever play for the Yankees again. The team’s hierarchy would just as soon buy out the remainder of Rodriguez’s contract than allow him back in the clubhouse. Rodriguez’s teammates are long past the fatigue factor with his controversies. Don’t think for a minute they wanted him to show up in Tampa this month."


I think they'll buy him out.


"So where does A-Rod land in 2015? Finishing out his days with another team is a long shot at best. No owner would risk Selig’s wrath by signing the most hated man in the game’s modern history. Selig used his own scorched-earth policy to finish off Rodriguez, making it clear what happens to his enemies."


Well, Selig won't be commissioner anymore, but it's a lovely thought. The ex-commissioner doling out justice, deciding who gets to play major league baseball. Selig should return all his career earnings and live out the rest of his days on a park bench.

As for a MLB team's willingness to sign ARod, they probably question ARod's ability to produce.


"That’s Selig’s enduring legacy, proving he’d go to any lengths to wipe out PEDs. Rodriguez’s camp never got over the shock of discovering that Selig was even tougher and more ruthless than the slugger himself. And that sent a chilling message, not only to A-Rod, but anyone else considering using performance enhancers."

This is a misinterpretation of reality.


"But that’s not to say Selig’s victory was complete. It is not. The truth is, Rodriguez would’ve never been caught had it not been for a disgruntled employee at Biogenesis. Had Anthony Bosch not been hard up for cash and paid his workers in a timely fashion, incriminating documents — the ones that cemented A-Rod’s guilt as a drug user — never would have ended up at the Miami New Times.

Rodriguez claimed — rightfully — that he never failed a drug test between 2009 and 2012, when he was involved with Bosch. It’s a fact that sends its own warning to the commissioner’s office. The sport administered thousands of random drug tests in 2013 and was unable to unearth a single positive result."

The owners and commissioner sure cashed in.

While Selig uses a $100 bill to light a retirement cigar, he has a quick retort to Klapsch's claim: "You don't think MLB's drug use has unearthed any positive results? Have you seen my bank account lately?"

Truth Prevails

Which is terrific, because the obfuscation of the Truth is always bad:

"This is what you were told, for months, about the guy who used to play third base for the Yankees:

You were told that it was a witch hunt. You were told, by a marching-and-chowder society in the media whose membership somehow kept declining as the facts of the case came out, that commissioner Bud Selig needed to testify in an arbitration case, or the world would stop spinning on its axis."

It still was a witch hunt and Bud Selig is still a fraudulent turd.

I don't know what marching-and-chowder society even means.

I don't feel ignorant, either, because the author of this stupid phrase has a decades-long history of saying stupid things.


"You were told that anybody who kept pointing out that the guy never told his version of things under oath had some kind of agenda. So it was Major League Baseball who was out to get Alex Rodriguez, or the New York Daily News, or the New York Yankees, or their team doctors, or Columbia-Presbyterian."

Personal animus towards one man, as demonstrated by several of the parties listed above, led to a 211-game suspension instead of the 50-game or 100-game that all the other cheaters were given.

The Daily News had no influence; the doctors were most likely competent and unfairly accused; the Yankees and MLB? No doubt they were out go get ARod.


"Rodriguez wanted you to believe that after all those players in the Biogenesis case got suspended in one day last summer, 13 players, the most sweeping set of sanctions in nearly 100 years in baseball, that Selig needed to make an example out of Rodriguez, professional victim."

This is accurate. ARod overplayed his lying hand. I don't think many people believed ARod after the others accepted their penalties.

The thing is, when you start with the idea that "truth prevails," and then you fail to suspend David Ortiz or Chris Davis ... then I am justified in telling you to get off your high horse. You look quite ridiculous up there. You're a wee man and your feet can't even reach the spurs.


"And somehow he kept getting people to go along with him, to act as if Al Rodriguez was the most falsely accused man since Al Dreyfus."

Nobody knows who Al Dreyfus is. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. Just because they both have first names that begin with "Al" hardly makes this an apt metaphor.

Must I explain the purpose of metaphors?

The purpose of metaphors is to simplify a complex subject. If your readers are having difficulty understanding Alex Rodriguez's victim strategy, perhaps you can point them towards a separate well-known victim and your readership would quickly understand.

You referenced a French story from 1894.

Again, perhaps I'm ignorant of something that everyone else knows about, but I doubt it.


"You were supposed to believe that the real issue was the methods MLB had used to enforce its drug policy, not the methods Rodriguez had used to get baseball drugs from Anthony Bosch and use them."

Both things are issues.


"Baseball’s investigators were the bad guys, not the player who seemed to have redeemed himself after his drug admissions of the spring of 2009, who helped the Yankees — mightily — win a World Series and then went looking to Bosch for a different kind of help, almost as if he went straight to Biogenesis from the Canyon of Heroes."

Both are bad guys.

Either/or is a child's way of perceiving the world.


"You were supposed to believe that A-Rod only went to Bosch for diet and nutritional advice. Or that Bosch couldn’t be trusted because he was some lousy grafter drug dealer, and never ask — if that was true — what Rodriguez was doing with him in the first place."

Yeah, that Francesa interview was nuts. I think it should win a Pulitzer Prize ... Francesa got ARod to lie to his face on record. Most compelling radio sports interview I've heard since Lupica had a parade of nameless ESPN hacks on his afternoon show ... the radio show which constantly interviews ESPN personalities in its unending pure search for the Truth ... the radio show which plays Coldplay for its theme music, as if listening to Lupica's screechy voice wasn't torturous enough.


"At long last, all those who kept saying he had been overcharged and overprosecuted saw why the arbitrator, Fredric Horowitz, ruled the way he did. No longer was it about irrelevancies, or the circus the whole thing became. It was about that."

Well, technically speaking, Horowitz ruled that ARod was overprosecuted ... he got his sentence reduced, after all.


"The circus leaves town now six months after it really began last August. Alex Rodriguez finally faces facts, even if he never told his version of them under oath. He could never make the evidence go away. He goes."

It will be interesting to see which Yankee player becomes Lupica's new target. Maybe throw us a changeup and go after the Mets who take steroids.

Because, you know ... your readers celarly value the Truth above all else.


"All winter long, we heard that Hal Steinbrenner had to channel his dad, absolutely do that, 100%, and spend as much money as the media kept telling him to spend on the 2014 Yankees."

It's still winter, you yutz.


"But you know how Hal could really channel the old man?

By making somebody or anybody accountable one of these days for the state of the Yankee farm system."

Well, sure. The Yankee farm system is definitely in trouble, but we pretty much know the reasons why and the difficulties of getting good draft picks when you win the division 20 years in a row.


Funny how Lupica sort of defends George Steinbrenner after decades of ripping George Steinbrenner.

So now that George is dead, just replace the name "George" with the name "Hal" and use the same template.

I like criticizing the Yankees' front office, and the readers seem to like it, so I'll just do that some more.

Nice work, hack.

Joe Tacopina v. Daily News

I don't know what to expect from this lawsuit, but I can guarantee that the Daily News sports reporters will treat Mr. Tacopina with fairness and journalistic impartiality.

You're so vain ...

You probably think this article is about you:

"Now Rodriguez supposedly 'disappears' from baseball for a year. But don't be surprised if he somehow finds a way to stay in the news. He always does. He'll probably resurface somewhere, throwing off more fake sunbeams about how restorative this 'timeout' will be, when the truth is seeing his career and legacy come to this has to be killing him deep down inside."

If you are going to write an article about him, please don't complain about his unending news coverage.

This ought to be good ...

Actually, I kinda agree with the felon.

The Bronx is Vernon

Repent your sins to your Lord.

Kiss the ring of Selig and you might get a nice writeup on MLB.com.

I almost stopped in the middle of the first sentence ...

"The Yankees missed the playoffs in 2008 and immediately went out and spent around $425 million to get CC Sabathia — the way he is losing weight, he is probably just C Sabathia now —"

Did you laugh at that joke?

Did you find it humorous?

CC Sabathia is losing so much weight, his name is probably just C Sabathia.

Well, I have bad news for you. If you laughed at that, you should probably remove yourself from society.


"and A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira. Now they miss the playoffs in 2013, and money like A-Rod’s has come off the books and they spend nearly $475 million on new baseball players, newest being Masahiro Tanaka, greatest pitcher Yankee fans have never seen, but one they absolutely had to have or the monuments would all fall down."

Lupica doesn't understand simple finance.

The Yankees didn't actually spend $900 million in two off-seasons. They committed to spend $900 million, divided by several players, over the course of several years.

There is a big, big difference.


Also, I don't think "missing the playoffs" affects the spending patterns of the Yankees as much as he seems to think.

Even in the midst of a three-peat, was there a sudden reluctance to sign free agents? Did the Yankees become penny-pinchers in 2010?


"That is $900 million in total contracts in just two cold baseball winters, so you can only imagine what might happen next winter if somehow the Yankees, spending the way they always have, can’t win their division or get one of the two wild cards in the American League."

I can only imagine!

I think, if the Yankees miss the playoffs this year (shorthand for "can't win their division or get one of the two wild cards in the American League"), they will spend approximately $2 trillion in free agents signings in the 2014 off-season.

Bullpen alone? $400 million.

They will buy every left-handed pitcher in baseball just to get them off other teams. Send them to the minors if you have to or just pay them not to pitch in the majors.

They will sell Yankee Stadium and become a modern-day barnstorming team, intentionally splitting the games of a double-header ... and then charging extra for the tie-breaking third game. Their team will be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds and all the monuments will be torn down and replaced by a Bingo Long statue.

I feel relieved that others criticize Selig.

As Selig plans his farewell tour / PR blitz, it ought to be obvious that the ARod takedown was a personal vendetta.

With all due respect ...

... you really have no idea:

"The testosterone creams and lozenges, the human growth hormone, the IGF (insulin-like growth factor), the pregnenolone (steroid that may hide the use of anabolic steroids), the clomiphene (fertility drug also used to increase testosterone levels), the DHEA and the GHRP 2/6 (banned hormones said to increase output of HGH, and all the rest of A-Rod's complex drug regimen amounted to what the head of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Wednesday called 'the most potent and sophisticated drug program developed for an athlete that we've ever seen.'

And that includes Lance Armstrong's sophisticated protocol."

Popping a bunch of pills on a schedule now qualifies as sophisticated. The pills that gave Alex Rodriguez the immense power to hit baseballs to the warning track.


"We have ever seen" seems to be the key phrase.


World War II, a mathematician was charged with developing the most efficient armor for fighter planes. The initial study involved examining the bullet holes on the planes. Seems obvious. Put the armor in the places where planes get hit the most.

But, no.

These were the planes that made it back.

The planes that got shot down? We can't study their bullet hole patterns.

The answer is in the data we can't see. The planes that made it back survived the attack. The planes that didn't make it back needed to be strengthened. So the armor needs to go where we don't see the bullet holes, ensuring maximum protection.


It should go without saying, but here it is, anyway.

The most sophisticated doping regimens are precisely the doping regimens that are evading your detection.

I don't blame the arbitrator.

He's a pawn in Selig's final PR blitz.

Comforting to see that not everyone is buying it:

"At the end of the 60 Minutes report, all is ugliness. A-Rod is guilty and lying, surely, Anthony Bosch seems a first-class lowlife, Rob Manfred comes across as Old Man Potter from 'It’s a Wonderful Life,' and the only winner in the whole mess — THE ONLY WINNER — seems to be the drugs themselves, which apparently work miracles and, if used right, are undetectable.

So what point of all this again?

Scott Pelley ends the report like so: 'And Bud Selig has announced his retirement from the game. Part of his legacy is the establishment of the toughest anti-doping rules in all of American pro sports.'

There it is. Bud Selig, who has been commissioner over the worst drug scandal to ever hit American sports, who presided over a game that ten years ago DID NOT TEST for drugs, got 60 Minutes to put that line at the end. Part of his legacy is this glorious chapter of buying papers from Bobby, threatening and paying off Boesch and nailing Alex Rodriguez.

The report ended and only then, if you watch the Internet videos, do you get the biggest lesson of all. You get to see who sponsored the report.

Viagra."

Madden gets his pound of flesh.

"Through all this disgrace, A-Rod sounds as if he still thinks he controls his destiny in baseball.

Well, here’s a bulletin for him: He controls nothing."


Maybe you can lend him some of your incontinence medication, you miserable old turd.


"It was not surprising, given his narcissistic, delusional nature, that A-Rod’s immediate response to the record drug suspension baseball arbitrator Fredric Horowitz levied on him Saturday was defiance. The deck was stacked against him from Day 1, the arbitrator was biased, Major League Baseball was corrupt in the manner in which it made its case against him, the Yankees and Randy Levine conspired with MLB to get his contract voided and, by golly, he is going to court to get exonerated for all of this."

Let's go through it:

Deck was stacked; arbitrator was not biased; MLB was corrupt; Yankees and MLB did not conspire, but they Yankees are happy that MLB did their dirty work for them.

So ARod is correct in 2 out of 4 of his complaints summarized herein.


He is guilty of taking steroids. That should be 50 - 100 games, like everyone else. (Yes, he foolishly turned down a shorter banishment, but that was before Bosch came forward. When hit with 211 or threatened with a lifetime ban, I'd imagine the cost-benefit analysis shifts.)

He is guilty of being a narcissist. Not a crime. Zero games.

Hie is guilty of being delusional. Not a crime. Zero games.

In fact, many of the ballplayers who Madden happily covers are guilty of at least one of these things, if not all three.


While Madden briefly mentioned the idea that ARod ratted out other players, that is a worse crime than anything mentioned above. It may be true, it may not be true, it's kind of hard to tell. Lots of leaks.

Some rumors indicated that ARod was co-owner of Biogeneis or got a finder's fee.  If so, that's not just a suspension, that's prison.

But here's what gets me the most. Boschs' reliability is questionable for sure, but Bosch suggested on "60 Minutes" that ARod threatened Bosch's life. I have not seen one columnist recoil in horror at this suggestion (though I briefly heard Stephen A. Smith on the radio). Again, that's prison.

I truly wonder if Bill Madden thinks that narcissism is a worse crime than, you know ... Crime crimes.


So we got the evidence, MLB's case is strong enough for an arbitrator. A criminal court would have probably tossed all of it, but this isn't a criminal court.

But unless we have evidence that ARod worked for Bosch or threatened Bosch, then I still don't understand why he should get more than 50-100, like everyone else.

If there is evidence that ARod committed those crimes, then call the cops and get him out of here. It's out of MLB's purview at that point

Selig's PR strategy will work.

"But this whole ordeal was completely necessary. And it was done through a process that by now is regarded as time-tested and fair.

Baseball doesn't necessarily 'win' in the literal sense when one of its biggest names is suspended for one year for violating the collectively bargained drug policy. But baseball did what it had to do in this case, to preserve the integrity of its drug-testing program and to preserve the integrity of the game itself.

On Saturday, an arbitrator hearing Rodriguez's appeal of a 211-game suspension ruled that Rodriguez would be suspended for 162 games, the entire 2014 season."


ARod never failed a drug test. So tell me about the integrity of its drug-testing program again?

Ponder the amount of time and effort MLB used to get this suspension against one player. Now imagine they used those resources against every other player.

This is why this strikes a lot of people as unfair.

It's not that ARod is innocent, it's that the "integrity of the game itself" is laughable when Big Papi is handed the World Series MVP by the same man who crusades against ARod.

You tell me if it's a personal vendetta when Selig is on "60 Minutes" claiming he'd never seen anything like it in 50 years. Yeah, that's because you weren't looking, pal.

Three Winners

"It could very well be that Sept. 25, 2013 vs. the Rays was Rodriguez’s last game.

The winners also are obvious: Bud Selig and the Yankees."

Alex Rodriguez's lawyers also won, unless they are refunding their money.

The whole steroid era.

I like the guy who says he won't vote for anyone from the steroid era, but then votes for Jack Morris.  It also means he will never vote for any baseball player ever again.

Because nobody cares about wild cards.

I challenge anyone to remember 2013's MLB exciting wild card one-game matchups.  Just name the four teams involved.  You can't do it, can you?

Thanks for the free advertising, by the way.

"Praise the Lord and pass the checkbook, if the Yankees outbid everybody for this kid Tanaka, perhaps our long national nightmare — and obsession — about a $189 million payroll for the Yankees might finally come to an end."

I don't quite understand the focus on $189 million, either. I always considered it a negotiation tactic more than anything else, though there may be some movement to cut payroll slightly.

Tanaka will sign with the Red Sox, which will trigger effusive Cherington praise from Lupica, and then Tanaka will be a disappointment in the American major leagues. That's my prediction.


"The coverage, of course, will be that Hal Steinbrenner has finally come to his senses, as if the Yankees going past $200 million again guarantees them World Series No. 28."

The coverage will be the Yankees are a third-place team.

No legitimate source in the entire world will guarantee a World Series for the Yankees.


"But Hal Steinbrenner has a right to look at the bottom line on his own bottom line."

No, he doesn't.

It is against the New York State Constitution for Hal Steinbrenner to look at the (ahem) bottom line on his own bottom line.


"He has a right to look back over the past decade, just since the luxury tax found its way into Major League Baseball, and not only see the $250 million the Yankees have had to shell out because of that tax (out of a total of $280 million in all of baseball), but the $200 million-plus his team pays out every single year in payroll.

You do the math on that."

No.

You do the math.

The big boy math.

Revenue, expenses, income before interest and taxes, return on investment, return on equity, total assets, etc.


"Oh sure, go ahead, do the math on payroll plus taxes as you remember that the Yankees since 2000 have won the same number of World Series as the Marlins and White Sox, one fewer than the Cardinals, two fewer than the Red Sox.

Steinbrenner has been portrayed as some kind of narrow-minded cheapskate for asking his baseball people to just spend an amount of money that is more than any team in baseball — other than his own — has ever spent on a World Series-winning team, in all of baseball history."

I have not seen any person describe Steinbrenner as a narrow-minded cheapskate.

Nor have I seen any person guarantee a World Series championship for the Yankees.  90 wins is the most optimistic prediction I have seen, and that included Tanaka.

Everyone knows the Yankees are not winning championships and everyone knows they are no longer a top-tier team. Lupica is either arguing with the Yankees PR crew or with voices in his head.

As for the success of the past decade, measure it in franchise value and it has been incredibly successful. The real story is that this asset train keeps rolling along despite a lack of titles.

Who watches the watchmen?

Sportswriters judging the character of baseball players.

Sportswriters, who seemingly rate a player based on the player's willingness to conduct locker room interviews.  I'm surprised sometimes that they let Eddie Murray in.

"Need" is a funny word.

Not sure why the consensus seems to be the Yankees "need" a Japanese pitcher.

The thing is, it's only $20 million.

Bartolo Colon's contract is smaller than Phil Hughes's.

It's lot of things, but it certainly is not a blockbuster contract:

"So perhaps it’s appropriate the Mets celebrated this milestone anniversary by blowing the dust off that wallet Sherman referred to and signing Bartolo Colon to the kind of two-year, $20 million deal that had disappeared from their arsenal not long after however many hundreds of millions of dollars disappeared from their Madoff accounts.


Maybe this really is a sign the Mets are back in the business of brandishing, pairing the Colon signing with Curtis Granderson and seemingly stating, for the first time in forever, Madoff’s $50 billion lie finally has stopped chiseling away at their finances and their foundation."

It's a low-risk, low-money, probably low-reward contract.

In terms of 2013 MLB, it's not a blockbuster. You'll need to add another zero to the $20.

Marvin Miller is an American hero and a savior of Major League baseball. Bill Madden? Not so much.

The sport Marvin Miller saved allows Human Garbage like Bill Madden to make a living, and that's kind of a shame:

"You want to know why Miller, who missed by only one vote in the last Expansion Era election three years ago, didn't come close this time? You probably need to look no further than his repeated statements prior to his death in November 2012, decrying the players union's agreement to drug testing."

1) Miller was 100% correct. You want a drug test, you get a Court order.

2) Doesn't explain why Miller wasn't elected long before 2012.

"Almost to a man, the Hall-of-Fame players have condemned the alleged steroids cheats — Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens et al, who have obliterated their records or passed many of them on the all-time lists — and Miller's adamant stance against taking measures to clean up the game has diminished him despite all his accomplishments on their behalf."

Colon to the Mets!

Because Bill Madden cares about ethics!

Or maybe Madden just has an affinity for colons, since he's a 6-foot piece of crap.


"And lest anyone still believes this is still an owners' conspiracy to keep Miller out of the Hall of Fame, again, there were only four owner/executives on the 16-man committee. The rest were either senior baseball writers, historians or former managers. It was not much different from the first Veterans Committee ballot Miller appeared on in 2001, which then was comprised of all the living Hall-of-Famers, most of them former players who were Miller's constituents, and he fell short by more than 10% of the necessary 75%."

No one said Hall of Fame ballplayers were intelligent people.

They owe Marvin Miller just about everything, and so does Bill Madden.

If Hell has a newspaper, Bill Madden will have all Eternity to write its Ethics column.

Curtis Granderson

If you want to improve your status in the Daily News, simply sign with the Mets.

Andy Martino compares Granderson to HOFer Catfish Hunter:

"When Hunter signed a then-historic five-year, $3.35 million contract with the Yankees before the 1975 season, his arrival augered a better age for a team emerging from its darkest phase.  The onetime Oakland ace ended up a pedestrian 63-53 for the Yanks, though he contributed in key moments.
But that was hardly the point.  Hunter was George Steinbrenner’s first big catch, before Reggie, Goose, or any of the others who headlined the late-70s dynasty. Catfish was the beginning of Yankees spending, the true end of the doldrums of CBS ownership, the signal that the team was emerging again.

Thirty years later, the Mets employed this same approach, using significant offers to Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran to signify that they were back after a few seasons behind the shadows, ready for relevance in the Omar Minaya age.  That plan never resulted in a championship, but did give the team and it’s fans several years of intrigue and excitement. Martinez and Beltran were worthwhile contracts for the Mets, and the latter was greatest free agent acquisition in franchise history."

I get what he's trying to say, but Granderson is not that thing.

Also, the Mets signing of Pedro was a disaster.  $50 million for 32 wins.


Lupica's predictable endorsement of All Things Mets feels like the Geno Smith Kiss of Death:

"Curtis Granderson won’t hit as many pitching-wedge shots over the wall at Citi Field, but he will help the Mets a lot, and probably go back to being the kind of hitter he was when he was with Detroit."


Granderson hasn't been a Tiger since 2009.

Why would a 33-year-old be as productive as he was at his peak at the age of 26? 

At the end of this contract, the 36-year-old injury-prone OFer is going to hit 20 triples just because CitiField plays large in the power alleys?

Granderson's age is a non-issue, but age is all you hear about when the subject is Beltran, Ellsbury, Soriano, etc.



I am not slagging on Granderson. I think it was a good signing for the Mets and would be a good signing for any team.  (Same goes for Ellsbury, McCann, and Beltran.)

Thing is, Granderson is not the Pied Piper putting an entire sub-.500 franchise on his shoulders.  Fans aren't going to clock to CitiField to see the 100th-best player in baseball.

Granderson is also not the owner of a time machine.

The Daily News is simply insistent on pushing a pro-Mets/anti-Yankee agenda.

Should the Yankees sign Bartolo Colon?

Bill Madden wants the Mets to sign Colon.

I have a hunch that Madden wouldn't even consider Colon for the Yankees because Colon is too old for the Yankees and too suspended by MLB. Is there a single player that Madden wants the Mets to sign who is not a steroid cheat?

I just heard the song "Car Wash" in the supermarket.

I was thinking the hand claps at the beginning are probably sampled a lot.

What does that have to do with baseball?

Alex Rodriguez:

"Maybe Yankee fans can start organizing weekend car wash events if that’s what it will take for their team to pay off Alex Rodriguez and tell him to go away."

I don't get it.

 

I get what Lupica is trying to say ... Yankee fans don't want ARod around anymore.  

 

But I don't get why he brought up a car wash.  

 

Is that supposed to be funny?

Besides, the Yankees probably have money-printing machines right behind Monument Park (yuck yuck).

 

 

"This isn’t about whether the Yankees can afford Cano; of course they can afford him, they’re the Yankees and probably have money-printing machines behind Monument Park."

 

Exactly!

 

"But Cano’s contract will be a bad one at the back end the way CC Sabathia’s will be a bad contract at the end, the way Rodriguez’s contract turned out to be the worst contract in all of world history.

So here’s the deal if they do go to eight years and $200 million at the end:

When he breaks down in three or four years, nobody is allowed to be surprised."
 

Like every Yankee and every non-Yankee.  But I don't recall the same scrutiny applied to Johan Santana, Dustin Pedroia, and David Wright.

 

In fact, it would be amusing if Cano actually signed with the Mets. In Lupica World, Cano would instantly go from overrated and overpaid to the Greatest Athlete in New York History (outside of Geno Smith and Tony Womack).