Stanton vs. Matsui.

The Yankees win the pennant! The Yankees win the pennant!

Leiter vs. Ortiz.

"The specter of David Ortiz is just around the corner, and the Yankees would like to have a lefthanded specialist ready to face the Boston slugger.They just don't know who that pitcher is.

When manager Joe Torre was asked before last night's game which pitcher he would bring in to face a lefthanded hitter in a big spot, he said, 'I think we have to wait and see what develops and make a decision, but I'd like to see Al Leiter in that situation.'

...

Lefthanded hitter Jay Gibbons hit a two-run home run off Leiter last night."


There must be some sort of mass delusion going on here.

Ortiz is hitting .301 vs. lefties, which is a higher batting average than he has against righties, though he has displayed more power vs. righties.

Leiter is washed up. He is 7-12, 6.16 for the year and 4-5, 5.55 since joining the Yankees.

Embree is washed up, too.

Get over it, Torre. Sandy Koufax is not going to materialize in your bullpen. If you're going to get David Ortiz out, you've got a better chance with a mediocre righty than with a washed up lefty.

Embree vs. Ortiz.

"Asked yesterday if lefty Alan Embree is an automatic pick for the postseason roster should the Yankees reach the playoffs, manager Joe Torre said, 'I want him to be.'

Embree took a step toward convincing Torre with a perfect inning last night, retiring Baltimore's 3-4-5 hitters on 15 pitches."

Two nights ago, when Embree gave up 3 runs in one inning during an 11-3 Yankee win, most Yankee fans rejoiced. They thought it was finally the end of the Alan Embree Project. Never again would we be forced to see him in Pinstripes. (Well, I don't know about "most Yankee fans," but me and my friends and a couple of blogs.)

After the game, Joe Torre focused on the three strikeouts instead of the three runs:

"It looked like the ball was coming out of his hand a little bit easier. After the game, Flaherty said the ball was jumping out of his hand. You still have to locate, but I thought he looked more comfortable."

Embree had good velocity. The ball was jumping out of his hand (and out of the ballpark). Embree looked comfortable. Embree has playoff experience. Embree was doing some things that will help us do some things that we're trying to do. Embree is an angel sent from Heaven to save the Earth. Embree is Lefthanded and, therefore, Embree is Perfect.

It seems impossible that Joe Torre could be that out-of-touch with reality. Torre is just spinning. He's just supporting his players. Right?

It seems impossible until you read another puzzling Torre quote:

"We took (Embree) here because we like all that: experience and championship experience," Torre said. "It depends who's up against him and what we think our needs are going to be."

Is Torre sticking with Alan Embree because Embree struck out Jason Giambi in the '03 playoffs? Does Joe Torre realize that the Boston Red Sox cut Alan Embree and didn't seem to concerned when the Yankees acquired him? Is Joe Torre living in a time warp?

Does this also exlain why Jaret Wright started over Aaron Small last weekend? Because Wright pitched well against the Yankees in the '97 playoffs?

Does this also explain why Tony Womack got the benefit of the doubt for 40 games? Because Womack had a big hit off Mariano in the '01 World Series?


When Alan Embree comes out of the bullpen to face David Ortiz on Saturday afternoon in a tie game in the bottom of the seventh, it will be the culmination of a pair of Joe Torre's flawed obsessions: Joe Torre likes players with Experience and Joe Torre likes Lefties out of the bullpen.

When the ball lands somewhere in the centerfield bleachers, fellow heartbroken Yankee fans, please remember that the manager of your favorite team is living in a dream world. When faced with the true facts, he ignores them. When faced with a Tanyon Sturtze reality, he chooses an Alan Embree fantasy world.

I can't guarantee that Sturtze can get Ortiz out. Heck, I can't guarantee that Mariano can get Ortiz out. But I know that just about anybody in a major league uniform has a better chance than Alan Embree.

Nationals eliminated from playoffs.

Howard Fendrick of the AP waxes a little too poetic:

"When the weather was warm and the stands were packed, everything seemed to go the Washington Nationals' way.

Opponents' deep drives turned into outs in spacious RFK Stadium, late rallies were commonplace, the bullpen was almost untouchable, and one-run wins piled up. On July 3, 81 games removed from Montreal, the capital's new club was 50-31 -- on pace for 100 wins! -- and owned a 5 1/2 -game lead in the NL East.

At 4:19 p.m. Sunday, under a cloud-filled sky, an announced crowd of 29,967 watched silently as a harmless groundout left the potential winning run on first base in the bottom of the ninth. That ended Washington's 6-5 loss to the, who hit four homers, two by Mike Piazza.

And just like that, all in one fell swoop, the Nationals were eliminated from playoff contention, dropped to last in the NL East and fell to .500 (78-78) for the first time in nearly four months."

Well, it wasn't really one fell swoop, it was 2 1/2 months of bad play. Multiple fell swoops.

But I'll be sure to forward your article to the Pulitzer Prize folks. Or maybe the Bulwer-Lytton folks.

MVP of the Indians, not of the American League.

The AL MVP race still has a week to go. Manny might make a run, Teixeira might make a run, Hafner may also make a run. ARod and Ortiz may fade a bit or they may distance themselves from the pack.

But, as of right now, the top two spots are rock solid. I don't know who will be first and who will be second, but Hafner is in a battle for third.

Madden's argument quickly disproves itself:

"But in the case of Hafner, he missed 3-1/2 weeks after being hit in the face with a pitch from the White Sox's Mark Buerhle in mid-July and was still suffering dizziness for two weeks after his return. That more than anything accounts for his lower RBI and home run totals."

The award is not for Most Valuable Player Per Game. The award is for the entire season.

Fair or not, one of the most important stats in determing MVP is games played. It's why Nomar Garciaparra and Bobby Higginson and Rey Sanchez have absolutely no shot to get even one MVP vote. It's why Griffey is a bust in Cincinnati.

A player has to play to add value to his team.


"While the game-winning RBI stat tends to be misleading in that it constitutes the run that puts a team ahead for good, no matter what inning it occurs or how big the ultimate margin of victory, it is interesting to note that the three AL leaders as of Friday were A-Rod with 20, Ortiz with 19 and Hafner with 18."

Let me get this straight:

In his attempt to prove that Hafner is more valuable than ARod or Ortiz, Madden uses a statistic where Hafner comes in third ... behind ARod and Ortiz.

There's an M in MVP. All Madden is doing is proving that Hafner is Very Valuable.

I will remember what you said.

Anybody who thinks Alex Rodriguez is the MVP is a Yankee stooge:

"One poor lost soul, the winner going away of this week's Get a Life Award, called the Daily News four separate times the other day, pleading A-Rod's case.

Now even the Yankee announcers go along."

It wasn't me who called the Daily News, I swear. But Mike Lupica shouldn't give up his Get a Life Award so easily.

You earned it, Mike! Hold on to it!

I mean, what is it like to be in the minority and think you're in the majority? How could a person be so out of touch?


"Friday night, A-Rod stole second base in a 4-0 game, his 16th stolen base, and I knew what was coming next the same as you know lightning follows thunder.

Jim Kaat - and everybody knows I usually love Kaat's work - stepped right up for A-Rod, explaining that A-Rod can run and David Ortiz can't."

Everybody knows that Mike Lupica usually loves Kaat's work. It's common knowledge. Ask your mom, ask your grandmom, ask the Pope, ask the President, ask the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker.


"A-Rod also looks much nicer in a baseball uniform, I think that should count for something ... Defense only becomes an essential part of the MVP conversation when a Red Sox DH has a chance to beat a Yankee out of the award."

While the MVP voting is often inconsistent, fielding and baserunning are always part of the equation. When ARod won an MVP two seasons ago while playing for a last place team, his gold glove shorstop play was a major reason. When Ivan Rodriguez when an MVP in 1999, his gold glove play at catcher was a major reason.

No DH has ever won an MVP. Cecil Fielder had back-to-back fifty-homerun seasons when fifty homeruns were rare, and he didn't even win one MVP. He lost to Rickey Henderson and Cal Ripken.

Hmmm ... How could that happen? ... Since MVP voters never pay attention to defense and baserunning?

When I say Rickey, you say "baserunning" ... When I say Ripken, you say "defense."

Maybe, just maybe, Jim Kaat and many others truly believe Alex Rodriguez is the most valuable player in the AL this season. Lupica thinks we all are just wearing pro-Yankee blinders.

Look, we know Lupica has a hardon for all things Red Sox, but now he's telling you to ignore what you see with your own eyes, everyday, on the baseball field.


My favorite part of Lupica's argument is his complete disavowal of the importance of fielding and baserunning. How convenient for him. I'm sure defense will suddenly become important again when Theo Epstein or Omar Minaya sign Doug Mintkayvitch.

But I won't forget what Lupica said. I'll remember the next time he tries to convince me that Jose Reyes is better than Derek Jeter.

Is Alex Rodriguez better than Tony Womack?

It's hard to say after reading Mike Lupica's article regarding the AL MVP.

Sure, ARod has numbers. If you're into numbers. Numbers, numbers, numbers, numbers. Blah blah blah.

But has ARod "carried the team"? No. Of course not. Heck, if the Yankees had Eric Soderholm at third base, they'd probably have a five-game lead by now.

A gold-glove third baseman hitting .320 with 45 homeruns and 120 rbis is probably the fourth- or fifth-best Yankee.

Mariano is better (even though Lupica warned us in April that Mariano was shot).

Giambi is better (a couple of more homeruns since July 1, not including last week, though. Don't forget Giambi's stellar fielding and baserunning, either).

Sheffield is better (not better overall, but his batting average with runners in scoring postion, so there ya go).

Is there anybody who ARod is actually better than?


"A-Rod has become a Gold Glove-caliber third baseman. And the ones who want to vote for him will point to games like Saturday's matchup against the Blue Jays, when he got a great bounce on the backhand and started that neat double play to end the game. It was something to see, ending the best fielding game the Yankees have had in a long time. But say it again: Nobody who votes for A-Rod will be voting on that glove. They'll just say that."

Couple of things:

(1) Nobody is voting for ARod solely because of his glove. Ortiz said recently that his competition is not gold glovers who hit .230 win the MVP. He's right. I agree. Hitting is the most important and most valuable thing a major league ballplyer can do.

But ARod ain't hittin' no .230.

Try .318, .418, .606., 45 hrs, 120 rbis, 113 runs, 15 stolen bases if that's your thing. .291 with RISP, .291 with RISP and 2 outs, .429 with the bases loaded.

Also, more game-winning rbis than Ortiz.

(2) If ARod is a gold glove-caliber third baseman, what is this wacko talking about on June 12th?:

"Maybe next year A-Rod can take fly balls in center in the spring, see if he can catch them better than he can catch pop flies in the infield. Because more and more, it looks as if A-Rod, first-to-400 homers A-Rod, will eventually be something other than the Yankee third baseman of the future. He goes to center, or he goes to first. Maybe first is more likely."

Buddhist koans for modern times.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody can hear it, does it make a sound?

Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?

Is the flag moving or is the wind moving?

Why does Joe Torre keep pitching Alan Embree in the middle of a pennant race?


Answer this last question, Grasshopper, and you will have achieved knowledge beyond Man's understanding.

John Harper criticizes Golden Boy.

Don't be shocked if Harper finds a horse's head in his bed tomorrow morning.

Alex Rodriguez is pretty good, but ...

I think one of the more fascinating aspects of this year's AL MVP race is the fact that the leading candidate receives little support from his fan base or hometown writers. Ortiz probably gets "MVP" chants every time he bats in Boston, while Yankee fans groan every time ARod strikes out. Heck, there's probably some writer in Detroit who will vote for Jeremy Bonderman, just because.

There's some legitimacy to this trend. When a person watches a player every day, perhaps they have some additional insight into this player's true greatness. Usually, though, it's just an attempt to give a hometown player some recognition.

Maybe NY writers like Lupica just think it's cool to be contrarian:

"A-Rod is having a wonderful season, and might end up MVP of the American League, even if David Ortiz has clearly been the MVP in the season played so far."

Lupica is smarter than this. He knows why Alex Rodriguez is the MVP. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it.

Yesterday's game is actually a nice example. After an 0-for-4 night with 3 strikeouts, I was thinking that it was one of the few games where ARod actually didn't help the team win.

Then came the last play of the game.

Let's see Ortiz make that play at third, huh? Let's see Nettles make that play, come to think of it.


Now, this is one of the more puzzling Lupica arguments:

"But as the Yankees have started to play since the first of July, Giambi has been their biggest run producer.
...
Since July 1, Giambi has 25 home runs for the Yankees and 58 RBI. A-Rod has 23 and 50 since then, Matsui has 11 and 51, Sheffield has 15 and 47."

Lupica's Giambi-over-ARod argument is vapid for two main reasons:

(1) Since July 1, ARod has been more valuable than Giambi.

Same reasons he has been more valuable than Ortiz. Even if the Big Three stats are the most important, and even if you want extend the analysis to include my personal next Big Three (runs, on-base%, slugging%), then defense and baserunning still have to count for something.

(2) The first three months count.

Lupica has done most of the math himself.

If Giambi has 25 and 58 since July 1, then he had 5 and 22 before July 1.

If Rodriguez has 23 and 50 since July 1, then he had 20 and 56 before July 1.

The Yankees needed Giambi in the first half of the season, too. Giambi has definitely redeemed himself in the second half and has been a major part of the Yankee run. But he was pathetic in the first half of the season and those games count, too.

Lupica says if the Yankees make the playoffs, then Giambi deserves most of the credit. I say if the Yankees don't make the playoffs, Giambi deserves a lot of the blame.

Randolph's descent into madness.

It was charming when he said that the Yankees missed his subtle leadership. It was hilarious when he said he was in tune with hip hop culture. But Randolph's latest claim indicates a severe disconnect from reality:

"We have plenty of time to get things going again. We might win 15 in a row. That's the way I look at it."

Can I still buy one of those pennant race packs?

I'll get first priority for 2005 Mets playoff tickets!

Gee, when you read this, August 27th sure seems like a long time ago:

"Pennant Race Packs: The Mets will make a special package of tickets, the Pennant Race Pack, available for sale beginning Sunday and thereby afford fans the opportunity to buy tickets for the same seats for all potential 2005 Mets postseason home games.

The packs will only be on sale through Labor Day and includes tickets to the 13 Mets home games beginning Tuesday, Sept. 13, through the end of the regular season. The deal features series with the division rival Nationals, Braves and Marlins and concludes with the four-game season finale against the Rockies."

An opportunity to buy tickets for the same seats for all potential 2005 Mets postseason home games?

Golly, what a deal! That and $1.50 will get me six quarters.

Which reminds me: Exactly when are the Mets going to win the Battle of New York take over the icity? Because I know it's happening really, really, really soon, I just don't know exactly when.

Al Yankzeera agent accused of being a traitor.

"Michael,

Are you a closet Red Sox fan, Michael? I think you are. You get more excited when the other team scores and you are always so negative towards the Yankees. When they are doing well, you always say something to bring down the moment. What’s your problem?

Melissa Simms — Walden, N.Y."

Yeah!

And what's with the "See ya!"?

And why do you say it's a "nice piece of hitting" when a guy hits a ball to the opposite field, but not when he drills a 500-foot homerun? Isn't a 500-foot homerun a nice piece of hitting?

And what's with the obsession with the length of the game? Anything over three hours is "unmanageable"? It's your job, dude. Deal with it.

What's your problem?

Red Sox use ghost runner.

We used to have ghost runners in wiffle ball games in my backyard:

"Kapler reached on third baseman Corey Koskie's throwing error in the fifth, and Graffanino followed with a homer to left that tied the score 3-3. Kapler then fell to the ground, got up on one knee but couldn't continue.
...
After a five-minute delay, Kapler was carted off the field. Alejandro Machado pinch ran starting at second base and finished circling the bases."

I have mixed feelings about this.

My feelings aren't mixed regarding the injury to a Red Sox player ... that's downright hilarious!

My feelings are mixed regarding this umpire ruling, allowing a pinch runner mid-play.

While it may seem unfair to call a player out just because he's injured ... it happens all the time! If the ball was in play rather than over the fence, the defense wouldn't think twice about tagging him out.

The rules state that you've got to touch all the bases and that you can't run past the runner in front of you on the basepaths. These rules apply on homeruns, too. Seems to me that Kapler's got to suck it up and crawl around the bases.

I feel so empty inside.

I agree with Mike Lupica 100%:

"Bernie Williams has 12 home runs and 61 RBI so far this season, and is supposed to be a player in decline after a great Yankee career.

Williams has been about as productive a hitter as Carlos Beltran, and has had more dramatic swings than Beltran has had.

Beltran came into the weekend, the second week of September in the first year of a contract that will eventually pay him $119 million, with 14 home runs and 65 RBI and a batting average of .271.

Big season?

Beltran never had a big week.

...

You kept thinking that he was too talented to play like this the whole season. But he has.
He has, in his quiet way, seemed to be completely overwhelmed by the circumstances of playing in this city, for this kind of money.

You can talk about all the rest of it with the Mets, talk about Victor Zambrano and all the guys who couldn't do the job in the late innings. You can talk about Braden (Six Flags) Looper, and all the games he has blown. Looper also has a ton of saves. He has been much better at his job than Beltran has been at his.

Beltran is the one who could have made the difference.

Compared to what Beltran has given the Mets, Randy Johnson has been Cy Young."

That ought to boost your book sales.

Jim Caple is actually one of the worst of the writers on Page 2, and that's saying something. The guy is an anti-Yankee one trick pony.

Caple writes an article about tennis or golf and there's invariably some gratuitous anti-ARod comment or anti-Steinbrenner comment dropped in for no reason.

His only book is "The Devil Wears Pinstripes."

When Caple disavows the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, he's disavowing his entire career:

"Both the Red Sox and Yankees are recent world champions. They both have bought those titles with payrolls far exceeding every other team in baseball. They both have rosters stocked with players from other organizations (the Red Sox even more than the Yankees). They both have fans who think the world revolves around their team. Cripes, David Wells pitches for Boston now. It's almost to the point that if it weren't for the pinstripes and Johnny Damon's hair, you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

Who cares whether either the Red Sox or the Yankees win the AL East anymore? It's like choosing whether you want Halliburton or Bechtel to get the latest war contract."

That game was totally good for the soul.

While Giambi is hitting a depressing, soul-sucking, game-winning, eighth-inning homerun for the Yankees, the Braves, once again, help Mets fans get to Heaven. Braden Looper alone is responsible for more character-building than just about any man alive.

I'm not quite sure how Giambi managed to drag himself into the batter's box without Randolph's subtle and inspiring presence on the Yankee bench, but at least M.C. Willie was able to help the Mets bring da funk down to Hotlanta.

In this compilation of quotes from the Daily News game report, Willie sounds like a man on top of his game and in touch with hip hop culture:

"We're gluttons for punishment, I guess. I thought we had it, man. He came in there and did a pretty good job. After the full count he had to challenge him, I guess. We're going to miss (Mark) Mulder. That's good, I guess, huh?"

Since their mediocre 6-5 start, the Mets have really cold lamped with flava. A 64-64 record in their last 128 games has allowed them to surge within 1 1/2 games of the fourth-place Nationals.

That's good, I guess, huh?


Mike Lupica's words from eleven days ago seem downright prophetic:

"Maybe the Mets will go 8-5 over this upcoming stretch of 13 games. Maybe they will go 9-4 and stop talking about the wild-card and start talking about finally catching the Braves after all these years and winning the NL East."

Well, they're only 10 1/2 games back of the Braves.

That's good, I guess, huh?

Joe was trying to do some things, no question.

"I can't worry about that," Torre said yesterday before the Yankees took sole possession of the American League wild-card lead with a 7-3 victory over the Athletics. "I worry about trying to make moves to win a game, as opposed to how to explain it."

Joe, can't you at least try to explain the moves to yourself? Have an internal dialogue. Don't worry about the sportswriters, just worry about looking yourself in the mirror and sleeping well at night.


Proposition: I should try a double steal with two runners on and no outs, with Sheffield and Rodriguez coming up.

Proposition: I should bring in Alan Embree to face Paul Konerko with the game on the line.

Proposition: I should emphasize "aggressive" small ball with a team that's going to hit 200 homeruns.


Debate the issue with yourself and then make a decision. That is all I ask.

Little Pro Joe Torre on the right shoulder vs. little Con Joe Torre on the left shoulder.

Put down the bottle of Poland Spring and exercise that frontal lobe, Joe!


"Making moves" and "explaining moves" are not opposing acts. They are absolutely inseparable.

If you can explain why you made a move, and the explanation is satisfactory, then you're going to make intelligent decisions. Guess what results from making intelligent decisions? The Yankees will win more games! Quod erat demonstrandum.


In an apparent attempt to win Understatement of the Year, Ken Davidoff summarizes the situation thusly:

"Even the most ardent Torre supporter would struggle to contend that he's a tactical genius."

Channel Surfing with Felz.

It's quite a treat to watch the Mets play the Braves. No, not just because it's fun to watch the Mets lose, but it's actually fun to watch the Braves play the game correctly.

In a game where Robinson Cano booted away the game-winning run, Jason Giambi was thrown out by 20 feet trying to stretch a single into a double, Matsui was thrown out at second base on a pointless double-steal, and Bernie was inexplicably thrown out by 90 feet at home because the cutoff man briefly dropped the ball ... a strategy that was enthusiastically endorsed by Joe Torre ... I can simply turn the channel escape the world of mismanaged, sloppy players and enter a world of pristine beauty.

I can witness a right-fielder catch a fly ball with a proper technique and throw out a runner at home.

I can witness a man score from second base on a groundout to the pitcher.

Sigh.

Would it be too weird if I sent Bobby Cox a box of chocolates and a dozen roses?

Randolph Worship Continues to Ravage East Coast.

As I read the following "dis" of Grady Little and Jimy Williams -- "dis" is the correct word when utilizing the urban vernacular to which Randolph is referring, right? -- by a manager of a last-place team, I honestly thought I was reading an article from The Onion:

"We live in this hip-hop culture now, where players -- even white players -- are caught up in the whole 'respect' and 'dissing' and stuff like that," Randolph said last week. "To be able to speak that language is important. I'm not saying Grady Little or Jimy Williams can't do it, but I think it helps if you understand the culture."

...

"I've worked with the (Derek) Jeters and the Bernie Williamses and the (Gary) Sheffields, and I understand what makes them tick," Randolph said. "And I think that's helped me to make this transition."

Whoa! Hold up, cousin! Nows I sees your problem!

Gary Sheffield? Straight up O.G., no doubt, know what I'm sayin'? That brutha will make a phone call to one of his peeps and your house is burnded down, regardless, blase blase.

But Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams?

You're jokin', right? Those dudes are about as street as John Tesh.


"The transition Randolph has made is to the manager's office at Shea Stadium, which is where he was speaking last week. Entering the final month of his first season as manager of the Mets -- a season that still holds the possibility of extending into the playoffs -- Randolph reflected on his rookie year so far."

Oh, last week. Before the whole 1-6 week.

Maybe that's explains why Graziano thought the Mets could still make it into the playoffs.


Explain somethin' somethin' to me, Dan Graziano, because maybe I ain't too good with the arithmetic and whatnot. But something with the Mets doesn't seem to be adding up:

1) Highest payroll in the National League.
2) Added best pitcher available in the offseason.
3) Added best non-pitcher available in the offseason.
4) Best left side of the infield in the game.
5) Manager of the Year.
6) Fearless GM.
7) More exciting than the Yankees.
8) Ready to take over the city from the Yankees.
9) Revitalized player attitude largely due to acceptance of hippity hop culture.
10) Last place.

If #10 is true, then maybe #1-9 are just not true.


Let me explain something to Willie Randolph and Dan Graziano: Most of the manager's important decision-making is pre-game. As in, setting the lineup.

Of course, there is only so much a manager can do and no manager can guarantee a win every game. Fundamentally speaking, a manager's job is not to guarantee victory, but to optimize his team's chances of winning.

Take last night's game. With two outs in the ninth inning, runners on first and second and the Mets losing by one run, the #3 hitter came up to bat.

Carlos Beltran grounded out to first to lower his batting average to .265, while David Wright and his .314 average waited in the hole.

Can I guarantee Wright would have gotten a hit? Of course not. Round ball, round bat, fraction of a second to respond, 8 players with gloves in the field, etc.

But Wright now has 50 points on Beltran. That's straight up fitty points, sucka, know what I'm sayin'? I damn sure know that Wright is the guy you want up in the key spot if you're a Met fan.

Out of 30 major league teams, 29 of them bat one of their best hitters in the #3 spot. Only the Mets would continue to bat Beltran in the #3 spot. I guess Randolph doesn't want to dis Beltran.

Dan Graziano Finally Rips the Mets ... Not.

Graziano's take on a $100 million team that is 5 games over .500:

"Can't a team have a nice, fun, encouraging year without winning the World Series?"

Whee! We're a whole 1/2-game ahead of the Expos! We rock!

Why do I get the odd feeling that Graziano wouldn't say the same thing about the Yankees? The Yankees can't have a nice, fun, encouraging year without winning the World Series?

Why do I get the odd feeling that Graziano wasn't so gracious after last year's ALCS?


"Mets fans, you're acting irrationally. Yesterday you booed Braden Looper for (gasp) giving up a run. You booed Carlos Beltran (a guy who's playing with a broken face, remember) for a ninth-inning strikeout."

Graziano has a lot of nerve critiquing the reaction of the fans. The Met fans are emotionally invested in the game. What are you supposed to do when your team loses? Carry them off the field and throw a parade?

How about critiquing this team? A team that acts like it has won the World Series when it sweeps the Diamondbacks, but is about to get knocked into last place when they face some real competition on the road?

How about asking the manager why Wright continues to bat fifth while La Cuccaracha continues to bat third?


This was the biggest game of the season. Everybody said so. The biggest game in five seasons.

You're down 2-1 after 8 innings which means the ninth inning is the biggest inning at Shea Stadium in five seasons.

Let me explain to Graziano what needs to happen in that ninth inning: Looper needs to pitch one lousy shutout ininng and Beltran has to do something. Beltran has to do anything.

The fans are not booing Looper for giving up one run, you putz. They're booing Looper for a season's worth of tank jobs. They're not booing Beltran for a ninth-inning strikeout. They're booing Beltran for a season's worth of disappointments.


"Being a Mets fan is a character-building experience that requires dedication and commitment. It's completely different from being a Yankees fan, and better for the soul."

Being a Yankees fan is bad for the soul?

No wonder Graziano hasn't written about Alex Rodriguez in three months. An MVP season right in his own backyard and he won't even acknowledge it. That would be bad for the soul.

"Baseball Writer," indeed. Time to look yourself in the mirror, quit the job, and buy some orange and blue pom poms.

Pedro comes up small!

Where's a Bill Gallo cartoon? I want a Bill Gallo cartoon!

I want a curly-haired caricature of Pedro with a strained neck, twisted from watching so many homeruns leave the ballpark. A little cartoon bubble above Basement Bertha proclaiming, "Da bum! Danny Graves coulda given up four dingers! And for a lot less money, too!"

Gallo has no problem drawing Steinbrenner in a loincloth, Randy Johnson as a redneck hick, and Gary Sheffield as a crybaby in diapers. (That's ironic, because Gary Sheffield scrapes pretty boys like Carlos Beltran off of his shoe.)

Let me be the muse for Bill Gallo. Let me help the so-called tough New York press recapture some of its toughness.

The subject is Carlos Beltran. I can't draw, so I can only conceptualize a few cartoons:


Cartoon #1: The Toolbox.

Beltran is in a shed and there's a big toolbox with a label of "40/40" in reference to the anticipated 40 homeruns and 40 stolen bases.

Hidden throughout the shed are five tools: A saw labelled "arm," a screwdriver labelled "speed," a wrench labelled "hit for power," etc.

Beltran is looking through the toolbox ... but it's empty! Because he can't find any of his five tools!

Get it?

Basement Bertha is in the corner, and she says, "I oughtta moidalize ya, ya bum! You said you had five tools, but you don't have any!"


Cartoon #2: The Biggest Bust.

Andruw Jones is standing in centerfield in Atlanta, holding an MVP trophy in his hand while the NL East banner flies proudly overhead.

Meanwhile, an overhead view of Shea. In centerfield, is a gigantic plaster mold of Carlos Beltran's head.

It's a "bust."

Get it?

The bust is huge. It's, like, 500 feet tall. It scrapes against the Goodyear blimp.

The bust is wearing a diamond-encrusted necklace with a "$119M" logo, in reference to Beltran's contract.

Basement Bertha screams out from behind a closed bathroom stall in the wretched bathrooms at Shea: "Ya bum, I oughtta moidalize ya! For $119 million, we coulda practically bought a whole new Stadium!"


Cartoon #3: The Cockroach.

A disgfigured Carlos Beltran is reduced to a torso. No legs and no arms. He's half cockroach, half human.

He's like the cockroach in the song. He can't even walk! Because he has no legs!

La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha!
Yo no puedo caminar!

Translated to English:

The Cockroach, The Cockroach!
He can't walk anymore!

It's a metaphor for general ineffectualness and it effectively integrates the Latino theme of Los Nuevo Mets.

Get it?


Basement Bertha is observing the horrific scene and having a conversation with her friend.:

"Yeah, I'm really angry with Mike Cameron. I oughtta moidalize da bum!"

"Mike Cameron? Why are you angry with him? He played better than Carlos Beltran this year, at least when he wasn't hurt."

"Well, let me tell you why I'm angry at Mike Cameron. You remember that collision in the outfield between Mike Cameron and Carlos Beltran?"

"Yeah, Bertha. Of course I remember the collision in the outfield. But why does that make you angry at Mike Cameron?"

"I'm angry at Mike Cameron because, when Mike Cameron collided with Carlos Beltran and partially smashed in Beltran's face ... Cameron didn't finish the job! I oughtta moidalize both o' dem bums!"