Newsflash: Red Sox Did Not Win World Series.

Wow-za!

Just when I thought the anti-ARod sentiment couldn't get any more goofy.

If I had me a truck, I could drive it right through the hole in Ian O'Connor's logic. Vroom!

"ARod must not win the MVP for a last-place team, because that team is in last place. Furthermore, ARod must not win the MVP for a first-place team":

"But Rodriguez is no more the MVP of the American League now, as a first-place third baseman with the Yankees, than he was as a last-place shortstop with the Rangers, who finished 25 games off the pace in 2003 — or one game for every $10 million that Tom Hicks guaranteed A-Rod, with a couple million to spare."

Right. Except he was the MVP in 2003, so he doesn't have to be more MVP in order to be the 2005 MVP.


In 2005, ARod's team finished in first place, even though they had the exact same record as Boston.

In an attempt to apply the O'Connor Formula, the Yankees were 0 games up for every $252 million that Tom Hicks guaranteed ARod, with $0 left over.

It's tough to divide by zero, however, so I'm confused. I'm not sure if the Yankees won by 0 games for every $252 million, infinity games for every $252 million, or just undefined games for every $252 million.

You can play all sorts of math tricks. Paradoxes and whatnot. The ancient mathematicians didn't even know about zero, much less how to divide by zero. Which probably made it impossible for them to determine whether or not a highly-paid shortstop for a last-place team should be the MVP.


Ian, if you have a runner who's 100 feet ahead of you, right? Assume the other runner is stationary. It doesn't have to be another runner, but let's go with a runner.

Before you can reach that runner, you'd have to travel half the distance to the runner, right? Ian? Right?

Okay, so you travel 50 feet and then you'd have 50 feet to go.

But before you can travel 50 feet, you have to travel half that, which is 25 feet. Before you travel 25 feet, you have to travel half that, which is 12.5 feet.

Ian, how long does this go on? How many midpoints are there?

Dude, there are infinite midpoints. You can never reach the other runner.

Did I just blow your mind?


Or check this one out. Check it out, check it out, check it out!

I can totally prove that .99999 ... is the same as 1.

Okay, what is the rule when you divide a number by 9? You repeat that number forever.

1/9 = .1111 ...

2/9 = .2222 ...

Ian, you with me so far?

Alright.

So, what is 9/9? It's 1. That's easy enough.

But I also said that any number you divide by 9, you repeat that number forever. Therefore, 9/9 is .99999 ...


That may not prove that ARod deserves the AL MVP, but the Yankees finished 16 games ahead of Texas this season, or one game for every $15 million that Tom Hicks guaranteed ARod, with several million to spare.

That does not signify anything coherent, but I just wanted to make a pointless reference to ARod's salary. Which is $252 million, in case you forgot. Which means he shouldn't win the MVP. Because he makes so much money and, two years ago, his team came in last place.


Okay, let's say you rent a hotel room with two friends. The hotel room costs $30, so you each pay $10. Then, the manager refunds $5 and tells the bellhop to refund the money. Rather than divide by 3, the bellhop gives each customer $1 and pockets the $2.

Each of the three customers have now paid $9. $9 x 3 = $27. $27 + $2 that the bellhop pocketed = $29.

Ian, what happened to the other dollar?


"David Ortiz should've won the award, even if he doesn't play the field. You didn't need to weigh the numbers to know Ortiz made more dramatic contributions to the Red Sox than Rodriguez made to the Yanks. Two out of every three nights, Ortiz was sending some late-season, late-game ball to the moon. That was good enough for me."

Two out of every three nights?!?!?!

Okay, Ortiz hits a late-season, late-game ball to the moon two out of every three nights?!?!

Why did Ortiz only hit 47 homeruns? If I didn't pay close attention to O'Connor's claim, I'd have assumed Ortiz hit, like, 108 homeruns this season. You know, two homeruns every three nights.

108 homeruns! In one season! That would be, like, a record!


There's an enormous fundamental problem with O'Connor's tack. We're talking about 2005, not 2004 David Ortiz did not win the World Series in 2005. David Ortiz did not win a single playoff game in 2005. When it was "close-and-late" in the playoffs, El Duque struck him out on three pitches.

Is O'Connor seriously favoring David Ortiz in the 2005 AL MVP race because Ortiz hit a homerun off of Paul Quantrill in the 2004 playoffs?