Not About Johnny Damon's Hair.

Mike Lupica has a point. Who really cares about Johnny Damon's hair, anyway?:

"I want to be as clear about this as I can:

I don't think of Johnny Damon going through life on some kind of red carpet.
I don't care about his hair.

I don't care where he gets it done or if he's got highlights.

His hair wasn't all that interesting when it was caveman hair at Fenway Park, it doesn't matter now that it's makeover hair at Yankee Stadium.

Even though people who used to get half-hysterical about caveman hair now think Damon is cuter than a junebug.

Bottom line? The next time he gets a trim, leave me out of it."

Leave me out of it, too, Mike.

Professional athletes are defined by what they do on the field. That is why we know them, it's why we pay attention to them, it's our entire interface with these people. Nothing else matters to me. Johnny Damon exists in my universe for three hours a day, during baseball season only.

But since we're so unconcerned with Johnny Damon's hair, why are we talking about it? You've got an entire column and you apparently can talk about anything you want. I'll gladly discuss Damon's on-base% or range factor, since that's on-field stuff that us True Fans care about.

But now that I stop and think about it, it seems to me that Lupica hasn't discussed on-field performance, well, ever.

If a discussion of Johnny Damon's haircut is beneath Lupica, I'm forced to wonder why the following observations creep into the very same article:

"I don't know anything about 107.1 FM, The Peak, except for this:

It is a very cool place on the dial for good rock and roll."

I want to be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to talk about rock radio, leve me out of it.

"That sniveling phony James Frey now says he had to make stuff up in 'A Million Little Pieces' because it made for a better story.

Bill Buckner probably wants to do it that way when he writes his memoir."

I want to be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to be a literary critic, leave me out of it.
"Phil Jackson got his money with the Lakers, and he's got a great and good friend there with the owner's daughter, and now he just sits there and runs every single offensive set for Kobe."

I want to be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to mention Phil Jackson's dating habits, leave me out of it.

"I would watch a festival of 'Saw' movies before watching a whole afternoon of Super Bowl pregame shows."

I want to be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to be Roger Ebert, leave me out of it.

"What anchor guy ever had a better rookie year than Brian Williams has with the NBC Nightly News?"

I want to be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to discuss anchor guys, leave me out of it.

"Sometimes 'Boston Legal' is like the old line about the NBA:

You don't have to start watching until the last two minutes, when James Spader and William Shatner sit there with cigars."

Let me be as clear as I can, Mike: Next time you want to be Matt Roush, leave me out of it.


Okay, I'll stop. This is tedious.

Still waiting for the sports analysis from the sportswriter. I could get this kind of crud from Larry King or Whitney Matheson.


Lupica can write about anything he wants. The Daily News has given him a column and, hey, even I'm reading it, if only for masochistic thrills.

But it's almost impossible to find a sportswriter who is more unconcerned with sports. It's all sports-as-pop-culture, sports-as-metaphor, sports-as-politics, athletes-as-role-models with a drizzle of literary allusion here and a wacky play on words there.

What happens on the field? Not nearly as important as what happens off the field. Not nearly as important as a press conference or a lawsuit or a Senate hearing or a charity event or an awards show.

What did Tiki say after the game? That's key.

Rather than analyze Eli's three interceptions, why don't you follow Tiki to the parking lot and ask him about what he said after the game? It's very insightful to the true sports fan. While you're at it, let me know what car Tiki drives and what rock concerts Theo Epstein is going to attend this weekend. Alright? All important information for the serious-minded fan.

Lupica shouldn't complain about Johnny Damon Haircut articles. He gave that monster life in the first place. He ought not get all high and mighty and disavow its existence.