No, Eric Wilbur didn't really say the Yankees are that bad. He even said that the Yankees will probably win the AL East in 2006. But since nobody seems to understand George Steinbrenner's use of colloquialisms, I may as well exploit the concept.
Wilbur's certainly not the only one who hangs on every word that drops out of Steinbrenner's mouth. The Daily News actually thought that Steinbrenner's comments were worthy of a "Breaking News" designation. Breaking News! George Steinbrenner predicts Yankees will win the World Series this year!
Gee, I kinda thought Steinbrenner predicted a World Series victory about 100 times every year.
If Eric Wilbur is going to question George Steinbrenner's mental health, then Wilbur should not write a sentence like this:
"Nothing against the James Cameron Yankees, who ought to slug their way to plenty of 10-9 wins, but they are about as sure a thing as it is predicting the day that darned lovable Ziggy finally blows and verbally berates the nearest target with a string of expletives usually reserved for a Death Row record."
I have no idea what that means, but it seems to be an attempt to mesh three bizarre pop culture references in one pointless sentence.
James Cameron, the movie director? I don't get it. Why are these the James Cameron Yankees? Because their offense is, like, "titanic"? Ummm ... okay.
Ziggy, the character from the Sunday comics? Predicting the day that Ziggy finally blows and verbally berates the nearest target? With a string of expletives usually reserved for a Death Row record? Does Eric Wilbur predict the day that Ziggy finally blows and verbally berates the nearest target? Cool. Can I get in? I put $20 on March 30th, 2009.
I'm figuring that the 2006 Yankees are not a sure thing. Because it's unlikely that Ziggy -- who is a character from the Sunday comics -- and therefore devoid of free will -- will suddenly snap and berate the nearest target with a string of expletives usually reserved for a Death Row record.
But at least Wilbur wrote that entire sentence with "nothing against the Yankees." No offense taken, Mr. Wilbur, because I have no idea what you just said.
Let me try to clarify without pointlessly linking James Cameron to Ziggy to Death Row Records. Ahem: "Despite a potent offense, the Yankees are hardly a sure thing to win the World Series."
That sentence was cleaner and more precise.
That sentence was as clean as the skin under Phoebe Cates's fingernails after an afternoon of swimming in Judge Reinhold's chlorine-laden pool and it was as precise as a parry from Prince Valiant's sword.
Okay, I apologize. I'm sure I could do better, but it's late.
That sentence was as precise as a Tom Scholz power chord playing on your eight-track in your cherry red camaro at the exact moment you're unhooking your girlfriend's bra and it was as clean as Garfield's bowl after a feeding frenzy.
Nah. That's weak.
Why don't we just move on to the Wilbur content, since his style is so maddening.
First of all, George Steinbrenner can not guarantee a Yankee World Series title. Everybody needs to get over it. Only God can guarantee anything, and only if God really cares about the outcomes of major league baseball games.
It seems as if we have this pointless discussion every year. The Yankees can not guarantee a World Series victory. But neither can the White Sox, the Red Sox, the Cardinals, or anybody else.
If I was to put percentages on the 2006 Yankees' chances of winning the World Series, I'd probably say about 10%. Which might be higher than any other team. Maybe I'd give the White Sox and the Cardinals 11% or 12%. But I've only got 100 percentage points to go around and I've already used 36 of them on just 3 teams.
Don't take Steinbrenner's predictions seriously. It's just effluvia for the press or silly attempts to inspire the Yankee players.
Ultimately, Wilbur predicts the Yankees will win the AL East, but lose to the White Sox in the playoffs:
"Instead, here is what Steinbrenner will get for $200 million: a likely AL East division winner that as currently constituted is vastly inferior to the Chicago White Sox, a team brimming with -- what do you know -- great pitching. If you can't guarantee what you're going to get out of guys like Wang, Chacon, Pavano, Small, Wright, Johnson, and Mussina, you can't possibly go around believing a world title is in your definitive future."
The Yankees are hardly vastly inferior to the Chicago White Sox. What, the Yankees, as currently constituted, couldn't possibly manage to beat the White Sox in a seven-game playoff series? That's total nonsense.
Wilbur has already pointed out that the Yankees have a superior lineup and bullpen. (I think he said the Yankees had a better bullpen, I'm not sure if he was talking about Kyle Farnsworth or just making a pointless allusion to Farnsworth Bentley.) The White Sox starting staff is probably better than the Yankee starting staff, but that's not a guarantee, either.
If Mussina is overrated (I'll "guarantee" right now that Mussina wins more than 12 games) and Pavano and Wright are perennial underachivers, then guess what? The same can be said for the pitchers on the White Sox. "Perennial underachievers" is the perfect description for Jose Contreras and Javier Vazquez. Freddy Garcia has been overrated for many years.
Personally, I trust 42-year-old Randy Johnson much more than I trust 14-year-old Bobby Jenks, who seems like the second coming of Jeff Zimmerman.
My conclusion is that I can not guarantee a 2006 World Series victory for the White Sox. Therefore, they suck.
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