Anti-Anti-All-Star Team.

"Think you've got problems? When life gives you ivy, you're turning it into poison?

Well, then, you're the Chicago Cubs.

Ha. That was a joke."

Cue the doppler sound effect of a bomb falling out of a plane and exploding.


"Like today's Little League teams that award trophies to every single player, up to and including the fat kid who skips practice, spends more time picking daisies than fielding fly balls in the outfield and hogs the postgame pizza and Popsicles." ... and grows up to write a lame sports column for sportsline.com.


"First base: Richie Sexson, Seattle.

A bitter disappointment since signing with the Mariners before the 2005 season, Sexson swats the occasional home run and grabs an RBI here and there, but in between, oh, is it painful to watch."

55 "occasional" homers and 180 "occasional" rbis in a year and a half.


"Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee

Let's make this clear: We love the Brewers' young talent overall, and we truly believe that Weeks' stay on our team will be brief and that one day he will be a real All Star."

Who's "we"? When Miller says "we," doesn't he mean "I"? Is this column a collaborative effort?

In any case, let us make this clear: me no love him's selection of Rickie Weeks for the anti-all-star team.


"Shortstop: Clint Barmes, Colorado

The talk of baseball during the first part of 2005, things haven't been the same for Barmes since he tripped on the stairs while carrying venison and broke his shoulder."

This guy was "the talk of baseball during the first part of 2005"? I never heard of the guy.

I looked him up. He wasn't even on the all star team.

Was Barmes the talk of baseball because he tripped on the stairs? Then that was a singular event and hardly "the first part of 2005."

Or maybe some shortstop who hit .289 with 10 homeruns really was the talk of baseball during the first part of 2005. It was only a year ago. I must have been living under a rock.


"Left field: Barry Bonds, San Francisco .

Usually, Big Helmet is packing for the real All-Star Game at this time of year. And while there are those who argue he deserves to be there this year as a sort of lifetime award despite his appalling .246 batting average and miniscule [sic] 11 homers, there's no way that argument holds water."

"Minuscule" shares its root with "minute," not "miniature." It's a good rule of thumb for a commonly misspelled word.

.246 ba is pretty bad. I'm not sure if it's appalling, but it's still pretty bad.

Kind of amazing that a man with a .246 batting average can still manage a .478 on-base percentage, which would lead the league if he had enough plate appearances.

Of course Bonds is not an all star. But you could do a lot worse if you're trying to win a baseball game.