Pedro comes up small!

Where's a Bill Gallo cartoon? I want a Bill Gallo cartoon!

I want a curly-haired caricature of Pedro with a strained neck, twisted from watching so many homeruns leave the ballpark. A little cartoon bubble above Basement Bertha proclaiming, "Da bum! Danny Graves coulda given up four dingers! And for a lot less money, too!"

Gallo has no problem drawing Steinbrenner in a loincloth, Randy Johnson as a redneck hick, and Gary Sheffield as a crybaby in diapers. (That's ironic, because Gary Sheffield scrapes pretty boys like Carlos Beltran off of his shoe.)

Let me be the muse for Bill Gallo. Let me help the so-called tough New York press recapture some of its toughness.

The subject is Carlos Beltran. I can't draw, so I can only conceptualize a few cartoons:


Cartoon #1: The Toolbox.

Beltran is in a shed and there's a big toolbox with a label of "40/40" in reference to the anticipated 40 homeruns and 40 stolen bases.

Hidden throughout the shed are five tools: A saw labelled "arm," a screwdriver labelled "speed," a wrench labelled "hit for power," etc.

Beltran is looking through the toolbox ... but it's empty! Because he can't find any of his five tools!

Get it?

Basement Bertha is in the corner, and she says, "I oughtta moidalize ya, ya bum! You said you had five tools, but you don't have any!"


Cartoon #2: The Biggest Bust.

Andruw Jones is standing in centerfield in Atlanta, holding an MVP trophy in his hand while the NL East banner flies proudly overhead.

Meanwhile, an overhead view of Shea. In centerfield, is a gigantic plaster mold of Carlos Beltran's head.

It's a "bust."

Get it?

The bust is huge. It's, like, 500 feet tall. It scrapes against the Goodyear blimp.

The bust is wearing a diamond-encrusted necklace with a "$119M" logo, in reference to Beltran's contract.

Basement Bertha screams out from behind a closed bathroom stall in the wretched bathrooms at Shea: "Ya bum, I oughtta moidalize ya! For $119 million, we coulda practically bought a whole new Stadium!"


Cartoon #3: The Cockroach.

A disgfigured Carlos Beltran is reduced to a torso. No legs and no arms. He's half cockroach, half human.

He's like the cockroach in the song. He can't even walk! Because he has no legs!

La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha!
Yo no puedo caminar!

Translated to English:

The Cockroach, The Cockroach!
He can't walk anymore!

It's a metaphor for general ineffectualness and it effectively integrates the Latino theme of Los Nuevo Mets.

Get it?


Basement Bertha is observing the horrific scene and having a conversation with her friend.:

"Yeah, I'm really angry with Mike Cameron. I oughtta moidalize da bum!"

"Mike Cameron? Why are you angry with him? He played better than Carlos Beltran this year, at least when he wasn't hurt."

"Well, let me tell you why I'm angry at Mike Cameron. You remember that collision in the outfield between Mike Cameron and Carlos Beltran?"

"Yeah, Bertha. Of course I remember the collision in the outfield. But why does that make you angry at Mike Cameron?"

"I'm angry at Mike Cameron because, when Mike Cameron collided with Carlos Beltran and partially smashed in Beltran's face ... Cameron didn't finish the job! I oughtta moidalize both o' dem bums!"