LOVES Billy Wagner.

Clemens, not so much. ARod, not so much. Joba, not so much.

"You don't have to like Billy Wagner, or the way he blows sky high sometimes, or everything he says, whether he is standing in front of his locker or talking on the radio.

And if you are a Mets fan, you can already be wondering about whether Frankie Rodriguez or somebody else could be the closer here before long.

But you still have to say that Wagner is one of the most interesting people to ever hold down the job of closer in New York."

Even more interesting than John Franco? Even more interesting than Steve Farr? I find it hard to believe that anybody could be more interesting than Steve Farr.

I wouldn't even know how to make that assessment.

"Interesting" is the least descriptive adjective one can use. It's lazy and meaningless.

Why on Earth is Billy Wagner interesting in any way?

Unbeknownst to me, is he, like, a baseball pitcher/Renaissance man? Does he play avant garde jazz in his spare time? Did he donate his entire salary to a noble cause and is therefore forced to live out of the back of his car? Is he working on a Unified Field Theory in his spare time?

These kinds of behavior may qualify as "interesting."

I can name a sports figure who's "interesting." Joe Juneau built his own airplane and moved his family to a remote location in Alaska to pursue his altruistic endeavors.

Did Billy Wagner build his own airplane? Model airplane? Does he like Dungeons and Dragons? Is he an expert on ancient Persian warfare?

Billy Wagner merely pitches baseballs once every few days for the Mets, and he does so rather predictably, I might add.


Define interesting. Think of some precise ways to define this term. Compare this list to Billy Wagner. I guarantee Billy Wagner is the opposite of interesting.

Only one person thinks Billy Wagner is interesting and that person happens to write sports opinions for the New York Daily News.


"The Yankee broadcasters kept saying that it made no 'sense' for Joba to put a fastball up in Kevin Youkilis' eyes the other night, and I'm wondering what sort of 'sense' it made when Joba put two over Youkilis' head last season."

Hey, did you notice the seven shutout innings in Fenway?

Joba's not doing too shabby, especially since Joba is one of the crackerjack Yankee prospects over-hyped by the lunatics in Tampa.

So what?

A theme develops:

"The A's can't hit and the Twins' bowels lock every time they enter Yankee Stadium, so the six wins have a 'So What?' feeling attached to them."

I just felt, like, you know ... bleh.

You know when you feel bleh?

When the Yankees swept the A's and Twins, I needed a hug.

The A's are good and the Twins are good.

Six wins in a row is six wins in a row.

Also, the Yankees are not going to sweep the Red Sox this weekend:

"You don't announce you are back in play by beating fading teams such as the A's and Twins. The best place for this flinty Yankee team to make that kind of announcement is Fenway, starting Friday night."

Take the 1998 Yankees, or the 1978 Yankees, or the 1961 Yankees, or the 1927 Yankees, or the 1975 Reds, or the 1984 Tigers, or the 2008 Red Sox.

Take any winning baseball team ever.

I don't even have to analyze the game-by-game results because I already know.

All of these teams dominated bad teams and played .500 against good teams. (How do you think bad teams become bad teams, anyway? Somebody is beating them often.)

It may not be romantic, but pennants are won in front of 11,000 at Kauffman Stadium.


The A's and Twins are hardly "fading teams." They are solid playoff contenders. At least they weren't "fading" until the Yankees swept them.

I mean, just look at the records. The records will tell you more than Mike Lupica ever can.


The Cardinals are suddenly "fading," too, I suppose. The Brewers should try to beat a good team once in a while.

The Mets are back in first place, but that's only because the Phillies are "fading." So, the rest of you may be impressed, but I say it isn't impressive.


The Yankees are "back in play" because they are. Three games back. Even if the Yankees get swept this weekend, then they're just six games back. That's "in play," even if Lupica thinks otherwise.

Football.

Only one football topic makes seems to make its way onto my baseball blog:

"If you had to choose, there's no doubt Peyton is still the better player. "

Right.

So what are you talking about, exactly?


"But since quarterbacks are ultimately judged by their Super Bowl rings, the score is 1-1."

If your brain is so infantile that you can only judge quarterbacks by their Super Bowl rings, you should consider drastic measures.

Maybe the Sunday sudoku.


'I think Eli did more to win the Super Bowl than his brother,' said one GM, referring to the entire playoff run. 'He did more for the Giants than Peyton did for the Colts given all the adversity that the Giants had to go through to get there. It was a cakewalk for the Colts. I don't think you could say enough about what Eli did.' "

It was a cakewalk for the Colts (against superior competition, I might add) largely because PEYTON MANNING IS SO GOOD.

Cakewalks are good.

Winning by a lot is good.

The adversity the Giants went through is largely because they have a quarterback who can't throw spirals.

The sun is really bad in right field.

I saw Bobby Abreu lose that ball in the sun the other day.

We all know that the sun often shines in the eyes of the leftfielders at Yankee Stadium.

What we didn't know is that, on Sunday, the Earth suddenly flipped on its axis.

That explains how Bobby Abreu lost the ball in the sun in right field.

Abreu is a dog.

"Alex Rodriguez did his best Derek Jeter impersonation Sunday with a flip play to help the Yankees beat the Oakland A's.

Of course, Jeter's came in a playoff game while A-Rod helped seal an otherwise routine July triumph."

Of course.


What is this guy's idea of "routine"?

The past two games were two of the most tightly-contested, bizarre games you'll ever see back-to-back.

Facing the league leader in ERA, with a wild card playoff race in the balance, the Yankees score a mere two runs. The first on a contested sac fly and the second on a 320-foot homerun.

Pettitte pitches a masterpiece in 99-degree weather, allowing only one run. Rivera has a 100% save percentage and I was thinking maybe Girardi should stick with Pettitte. Then, $18M Bob Abreu almost blows the whole thing because he drops a ball.

The day before, the Yankees strand 21 runners, strike out 18 A's, and win on a walkoff HBP in the 12th inning.

In the ninth inning, Giambi walked. Pinch-runner Justin Christian tripped while trying to steal second base. With two outs and nobody on, Cano doubled. Betemit looped a game-tying single to LF on an 0-2 pitch.


If this was in the playoffs or if this was against the Red Sox, nobody would say it's "routine." They'd say it's the reason they love baseball in the first place.

Finding ways to win is a sign of good character. No, not really, but it's a funny thing to say.

Winning is always better than losing:

"But much as the Yankee manager would like to believe his team is finally finding its groove, he would be advised not to use this particular series as a true measure of his team's abilities."

Okay. After 98 games, the team is 53-45, 4 1/2 games out of first, 3 games out in the wild card.


"If anything, Girardi ought to be concerned that his troops had to eke out a win as they did against a pitcher, Justin Duchscherer, who was still battling leftover ravages of the flu amid the 92-degree heat, and a lineup in which four of the last five hitters had batting averages of under .224."

No mention of Duchscherer's 1.82 ERA.

No mention of the fact that Oakland had a better record than the Yankees before the series started and will likely be contending for a playoff spot.


"For the third straight game, the Yankees got a strong starting pitching effort - this one from Andy Pettitte, who gutted it out for eight innings and 114 pitches, yielding just four hits, striking out nine and walking none in the steamy conditions."

Right.


"But again, look at the lineup he was facing!"

Look at the lineup he was facing! OMG!


"And it figures that the rest of this week - three games at the Stadium against the surging Minnesota Twins and then the weekend series against the Red Sox at Fenway - will give Cashman and Girardi a much better idea as to where this Yankee team is at than a nevertheless welcome sweep of the Triple-A-laden A's."

The A's are good.

You are dumb.

LOVES Jonathan Papelbon.

Mike Lupica has concluded that a Red Sox player will never be the darling of Yankee fans:

"Jonathan Papelbon may need a filter on his mouth sometimes, and will never be the darling of Yankee fans, but if there is one thing the young man is not, it is overrated.

No matter how much Yankee Stadium sang that to him the other night."

Well, gee. I'm guessing the fans at the All Star Game weren't analyzing Papelbon's save percentage or WHIP.


"I loved the All-Star Game the other night, from the Hall of Famers on the field, to George Steinbrenner on the field, to Michael Young's sac fly.

I ended up sitting in the stands for the last half of it, stayed to the end, and had as much fun watching it play out as I've had watching any All-Star Game in any sport."

Mike Lupica actually slummed it by sitting in the stands at a sporting event.


Taken together, these two tidbits are quite intriguing.

When Papelbon came in to pitch, the Yankee fans were chanting "O-Ver-Ra-Ted!" Lupica was disagreeing.


"O-Ver-Ra-Ted!"

"Shut up, you guys!"

"O-Ver-Ra-Ted!"

"Shut up, everybody! You don't know what you're talking about! Papelbon is awesome!"

"O-Ver-Ra-Ted!"

"Don't listen to them, Paps! We love you!"


Somebody should have poured beer on his head.

I know something you don't know.

David Wright is batting just .246 with RISP.

See, RISP BA is not necessarily a stupid thing to look at. It's just stupid when one player and one player only gets scrutinized.

I stand corrected.

This whole time, I said that Randolph would never make it to the All Star Game unless he bought a ticket.

If you pay $650 to watch the Home Run Derby, you are either very wealthy or very dopey.

Watching Alex Rodriguez hit b.p. fastballs would totally make it worth it.


If you care to read a sampling, Ken Rosenthal, Jayson Stark, and John Donovan all make very lame arguments that ARod is obligated to participate in the HR Derby.


The whole time explaining how the fans don't like ARod, anyway.



Mark Kriegel has the nerve to call another grown man a "sheep." Because Mark Kreigel has achieved self-actualization. The key to salvation, apparently, is lots of one-sentence paragraphs. It's also stylistically edgy. Because Mark Kriegel wouldn't want to be a sheep who follows the Good Writing Herd.



You know who should participate in the Home Run Derby? Jeter. The King of New York.

Put a fielder at second base and throw high fastballs that tail across the outside corner.

Call it the 4-6-3 Derby.

The only thing I can think of right now is "GIDP."

A baseball columnist writes an article that praises Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter.

While doing so, the columnist contrasts Derek Jeter to Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez:

"Teammate Alex Rodriguez may have been the leading vote-getter for this All-Star Game. He may be on track to be the sport's all-time home run leader and arguably is the game's best player.

And Jeter, who turned 34 last month, is enduring arguably [the] most disappointing season of his career, both statistically and with the Yankees in danger of missing the playoffs for the first time in his career.

But New York is still Jeter's town, perhaps more than any other current athlete."

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike Lupica is one weird dude.

If I could quickly run an archive of Lupica articles since 1996, I could probably find 50 - 100 articles that proclaim the pending demise of Mariano Rivera's career. Stuff like Rivera is still haunted by the 2001 World Series and Rivera can't beat the Red Sox.

If I went back about 18 months, I could easily find a dozen articles proclaiming Papelbon as the Cy Young winner, MVP, and the main reason the Red Sox were superior to the Yankees.

So now, out of nowhere, MOTO Lupica decides to heap praise upon Mariano Rivera.

This is the equivalent of a 2008 Robert Christgau article which gives an A+ to "Revolver."

Oh, really? So you're a rock critic who's heard of "Revolver," have you? The one by The Beatles?:

"But there will be others who say that the best player of them all was the great Henry Aaron or Willie Mays and maybe someday - if he ends up getting enough rest to hit 800 home runs - some will say that Alex Rodriguez, Mr. Fun, was the best ballplayer of them all."

I don't understand the "Mr. Fun" comment. I have fun watching ARod play. Don't you?

I also don't understand the comment about "enough rest." Has ARod been slacking or complaining about too much playing time? Or is that a crude and stupid reference to bedroom exploits?

Besides, aren't you the ignorant sports columnist who said ARod was gonna move to first base or maybe centerfield?


"There will always be the debate about starting pitchers, all the way back to the real Cy Young."

Actually, my pick is the imaginary Cy Young.


"But there is no debate, none, about Rivera, the best closer in history, the best money pitcher in history, a power relief pitcher and a power closer who has lasted longer than any power pitcher in his job ever has, in the history of baseball."

The only debate is between the intelligent, pro-Mariano fans and ignorant, anti-Mariano sportswriters, such as yourself.


I'm also not sure why Lupica distinguishes between "power" reliever and, say, a changeup pitcher like Hoffman or a slider pitcher like John Franco. OF COURSE, Rivera is far superior to Hoffman, Franco, Lee Smith, Jesse Orosco, etc. But Rivera has not lasted longer.


"In this Yankee Stadium, in the rebuilt Stadium and not the one Ruth built, the man running toward the pitching mound is the greatest Yankee of them all."

I'm perplexed.

I thought I was Rivera's biggest fan. Rivera is the clear MVP of the 2008 Yankees (largely due to ARod's trip to the DL), Rivera is obviously the greatest closer of all time, Rivera is probably the greatest playoff performer of all time in any sport, and, as far as I'm concerned, Rivera singlehandedly put Torre in the HOF.

But Rivera is not better than ARod and Rivera's not better than Babe Ruth. Not really Rivera's fault. Mr. Fun is a ss/3b who's going to hit 1,000 HRs and Ruth is, well, Ruth is the greatest ballplayer of all time.

Is Lupica really saying that Rivera is better than Babe Ruth?

A closer is better than Babe Ruth?

Is Lupica's brain simply unable to process subtleties? A year ago, Rivera was an overpaid albatross. Now, Rivera is the greatest ballplayer who ever played.

Grow up, man. You don't have to end every adjective with "est."

Eight in a row.

"WILLIE Randolph was barely over Denver on his long flight to the rest of his life when Jerry Manuel announced that for Mets relievers, their long guessing game was over.

No more being used at the manager's whim. No more sixth inning one night, eighth inning the next. Hopefully, no more getting booed out of Shea for these creatures of habit, whom had fallen into the increasingly uncomfortable habit of too-often getting creamed.

Now the Mets, 2-1 winners of their seventh consecutive game last night, are on a roll, so it's gotta be because of the defined roles. As the zeroes pile up in the seventh and eighth innings, isn't it time to pile on Willie?"

Yes, it is time.

As if I didn't know.

Team W L GB
Arizona 45 46 --
Los Angeles 45 46 --


The Dodgers will win 77 games and make the playoffs and win the World Series.

Because Torre is a genius.

No wonder you went to Wimbledon.

It was better when you ignored NY baseball:

"And they can make their run, hang in there with the Red Sox and Rays, if Alex Rodriguez finally starts carrying the team the way he did at the start of last season and the way he is supposed to."

When ARod hit 14 HRs in 18 games last season, it was a record. You never saw it before and you won't see it again. Because, despite being highly-paid athletes, baseball players are bound by physical laws of the Universe.


"When a team isn't scoring enough, isn't getting runners home, that is when the biggest run producer in baseball and the guy being paid the most to have the biggest stick (on the field) is supposed to be at his best, and hitting .253 with runners in scoring position shouldn't be his best."

In 2008, despite a three-week injury, ARod is the best everyday player on this team by such a wide margin, I can't even figure out who's in second place.

Giambi, I suppose.


Besides, I just told you that you are not allowed to bring up RISP BA. Because you just wrote an article praising Jose Reyes, and Reyes is hitting .235 with RISP.

Or is Jose Reyes not "supposed to" hit with RISP?

Didn't you ask "Mets fans" about Reyes's season so far and they were upset about that one time he grounded out?


"People will put up with almost anything from their sports stars, even the kind of low-rent, high-profile, gag-me publicity A-Rod is getting these days, as long as they produce."

I absolutely agree that the Daily News, and Mike Lupica in particular, are low-rent, high-profile, gag-me publicity sluts.


"But ask Yankee fans about A-Rod's season so far, and what they want to talk about is moments like the one in Friday's game, when he had the chance to bring his team back and grounded into a force play against Manny Delcarmen with the bases loaded."

The ground out against the Red Sox. In a game where ARod had two hits and two RBIs. Lupica is a parody of himself.

Jeter and Abreu can't even get on base. RISP BA doesn't mean quite as much when the Rs are never ISP in the first place.

Lupica, we know you never asked Yankee fans anything. Yankee fans are not talking about the ground out against the Red Sox. Yankee fans are not complaining about ARod. Yankee fans are saying keep ARod, Joba, and Mariano and trade the rest of the bums.

This is just about baseball and the way it's being played.

"This isn't about who is the most famous shortstop in town, or the one with the most rings, or the one who is the captain of the New York Yankees, or the one who makes almost as much money as any player in big-league history. This isn't about class or resume.

This is just about the baseball season being played and the way it is being played, as the All-Star break comes up fast, by the two shortstops in town, only one of whom ever catches a real beating."

It's quite amazing that Lupica lives in a world where nobody criticizes Jeter.

I know lots of Yankee fans and every single one of them has been criticizing Jeter lately.

I mean, Lupica devotes an entire article to Jeter-vs.-Reyes and doesn't even mention that Jeter leads the World in GIDP.

Everyone knows that Reyes is having a better year than Jeter, though Lupica conveniently ignores RISP BA when it suits his position. Which is not really a big deal, except for the fact that he's going to bring it up the next time he claims that Joe Crede is better than ARod.

The criticism of Reyes is justified. He seemingly doesn't make the most of his talents. He acts very immaturely, he gets picked off second base at inopportune times, he often seems disinterested. Fans don't like that. Jeter can hit .212 and it's safe to say he'd never get picked off second base with the game on the line.

I'm flabbergasted by Lupica's sudden claim that this is just about the baseball season and the way it is being played. In an article where he mentions ARod's divorce not once, not twice, but three times.

Can you imagine a clown like Page Six Lupica claiming that the press is treating players unfairly by directing focus away from the players' on-field contributions?

Everyone laugh at the guy who cares about the All Star Game.

"Read it and weep: more Red Soxers than Skanks will start All Star game"

Did you says "Skanks"?

That's crazy.

You're a nut.

Also, since this is in a New York newspaper, you're dangerous. You're kind of like Marlon Brando in "The Wild One."


"Bad news, Bronx boo-birds: the diamond will be filled with red B's, and not white interlocking NY's, when the American League all stars take the field for the final All Star Game at Yankee Stadium."

Great news, you mean.

I only wish every Yankee had three days off.


"Will the Bleacher Creatures do a roll-call and conveniently skip over Man-Ram, Peds and Youkie? Probably."

Okay, first thing, the Bleacher Creatures will not have tickets to the All Star Game.

Secondly, don't refer to grown men as "Man-Ram," "Peds," or "Youkie." You sound like a six-year-old girl at a tea party talking to her stuffed animals.

How am I going to end this article?

Screw it. I know what I'm gonna do. I'm going with a weird metaphor. I'm George A. King III, damn it, and the English language is the medium through which I sculpt masterpieces. I'm tired of a boring game recap. I'm going to Rock Your World right about now:

"At 45-42, the Yankees are close to being measured for pinstriped coffins before the All-Star Game lands in their yard a week from Tuesday. Should the losses continue to arrive at the current rate, the glow of hosting the Midsummer Classic will be reduced to a flicker in the wind."

I don't even understand what that means, exactly, but I think I might cry.

We are all merely flickers in the wind, man. Deep.

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know.


Even if there was a glow associated with hosting the All Star Game, don't think the metaphor worked out too well, because a glow is probably less intense than a flicker. The progression would probably be spark, flicker in a vacuum, flicker in the wind, glow, candle, fire, inferno, ragin' full on.

Next day's pitcher.

"The Yankees have held two team meetings over the last 10 days after bad losses. This one was loud, players said. Joe Girardi is never profane and wasn’t this time. But he and his coaches were forceful.

There’s a problem with meetings, however. What happens if you lose the next day?"

Girardi at least shows some guts for doing this the day before his team faces Josh Beckett. Beckett vs. Rasner is practically a guaranteed Red Sox win, aside from the standard disclaimers about how anything can happen.


"The Yankees played like they had a cab to catch. Or Madonna’s limo."

Madonna's the problem.

ARod's the problem.

Madonna's relationship with ARod is the problem.

Listen, if having sex with Madonna helps the players slug .600, then maybe it's time for a gangbang.

That wasn't a big game.

You know how you know yesterday's game wasn't a big game?

Because Andy Pettitte pitches well in big games.


Astonishingly, "sports" columnist Steve Politi once again completely misses the point. Politi actually is angry about the postgame interviews or lack thereof.

Pettitte can apologize all he wants to for a game like that. Does it change the performance on the field? Does it change a loss into a win?

It's not Pettitte's fault. It can not be Pettitte's fault. Pettitte is the most stand-up liar/cheater in Yankee history.


Now, ARod was 0-for-4 and didn't do much to help his team last night. But if ARod managed a sac fly in the first inning, then the Yankees lose 7-1.

Jeter apologized and Pettitte apologized, so it's not their fault.

It's ARod's fault.

It's Madonna's fault.

It's Lenny Kravitz's fault.

The Guy.

"Need more evidence that the dollar isn't going as far as it used to?"

No.

But starting the article with a question really drew me in.

It's about as hackneyed as those movie commercials where the announcer asks a question and the peformer in the movie seemingly answers the announcer's question.


"Cool Standings says the Yanks have a 19.6 percent chance to make the playoffs. I think that's optimistic."

I would agree.

But it's hard to really whine about it too much when the Rays finish above .500 for the first time ever and your team misses the playoffs for the first time in over a decade.


"And remember, I'm the guy who said last spring and summer that the hand-wringing over the Yankees was overwrought and that they had a much better chance to make the playoffs then anyone was forecasting (including Cool Standings)."

I was just saying to a friend of mine, "Do you remember Michael Salfino?"

My friend says, "Michael who?"

I says, "You know: The guy."

He says, "The guy who said last spring and summer that the hand-wringing over the Yankees was overwrought and that they had a much better chance to make the playoffs than anyone was forecasting?"

I says, "Yup. That guy."

Lupica Jr. Tries to Sell a Book

Every now and then, when Giambi has a great game, I am reminded of Buster Olney who claimed that Giambi had the worst contract in baseball history. Olney may have even claimed that it was the worst contract in sports history. I don't recall precisely, but it was a dumb thing to say and Olney has been proven wrong.


Now, Olney wrote a book about the '96 - '00 Yankee Dynasty and, unfortunately, he was proven correct in this case. 2001 really was the end of the Yankee Dynasty, though they came close a couple of times.

In 2008, Olney is actually still talking abut the 2001 World Series:

"In Game 4 of the 2001 World Series, Tino Martinez accomplished something no player had done in a World Series game in 72 years -- a game-tying, ninth-inning two-run homer. The next afternoon, I loitered outside the Yankees' clubhouse at Yankee Stadium, and Scott Brosius turned the corner, with a grin that seemingly extended from one side of the Bronx to the other. Even if he hadn't said a word, you would've known the source of his smile: He was still overwhelmed by what he had seen the night before."

This is an article with a dateline of July 2, 2008.

Basically, Olney actually dissected -- I'm not making this up -- two recent losses by the Yankees to the Rangers and contrasted them to the back-to-back comeback wins vs. the Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series.

His conclusion is that the current 2008 Yankees don't have the aura and mystique of the dynastic Yankees.


"This week, HarperCollins re-released 'The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty,' with a 50-page addendum, so that team is at the front of my brain these days. And the differences between the Martinez-Paul O'Neill years and the current Yankees are apparent."

Wouldn't you know it? Buster Olney wrote "The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty." What a happy coincidence that columnist Buster Olney has an opportunity to advertise a book by author Buster Olney.


"In the dynasty years, they would have taken the field with an enormous mental advantage: They would have been convinced they would win, and even if they had lost, they would have been convinced that the matter of success or failure was something firmly within their control."

The.

Diamondbacks.

Won.

The.

World.

Series.


I mean, I get the observation: Good teams are confident and confident teams are good.

You just realized this now, seven years later, and it was these two games vs. the Rangers that convinced you?

Seems more likely that you're finding any excuse to shill your book.


"The Yankees of 2008 are really no different than the Rangers or the Athletics or the Brewers or many other teams in the majors; they're just another team of talent trying to find a way to win more games."

Of course.


"There is no edge, no more mystique and aura, to borrow a phrase."

That's not why they won in the first place. Their #5 starter was Orlando Hernandez. That is why they won.

Joe Buck doesn't like baseball.

I was directed to this link from another blog. Awful Announcing, I believe.


See, I don't think the fans complain too much about the length of the games or the length of the schedule. (Yes, I know, if they complained, then they wouldn't be fans in the first place.)

But think of Lupica who can't get jazzed unless he sees four HRs in a game and it has to be against the Red Sox. Think of how often Sterling and Waldman complain about the late-night travel. Think of all the umpires, coaches, managers, and GMs who want to speed up the games.

To them, it's a joyless job.

It's a baker trying to get excited about another loaf of bread.

It shows in their work.

It's fine if you're not a baseball fan. Really, it is. There's no particular pride in being a fan of anything, nor is there an obligation.

Joe Buck should be true to himself and do us all a favor: Find another job.

Love this guy.

This is, like, a week after he says he doesn't go on about subjects he knows nothing about:

"We all know they’re better than that. I don’t know. Maybe a little less outside distractions and a little more concentrating and they’ll start hitting better. I thought they would go on a consistent tear, and it hasn’t happened yet.”

Girardi's explanation was dumbfounding.

One sports journalist watches a baseball game and questions a managerial decision:

"The Yankees had a runner on first base with no outs in the bottom of the ninth and were down 3-2 tonight.

Derek Jeter was on the bench. But Melky Cabrera stayed in the game and grounded into a double play. This would be the same Melky Cabrera who was 0 for his last 18 when he stepped to the plate. Further, he didn’t try to bunt.

Am I missing something? The Yankees bunt with leads but not when they trail by a run in the ninth inning at home?"

I briefly listened to Girardi claim that the Yankee lefties (Damon, Abreu) had trouble with the Texas pitcher. Girardi actually said that he was worried about the intentional walk to Jeter (who would have pinch-hit for Gardner).

Okay:

1) If Gardner is so bad, don't bat him second.

2) If you can't trust Abreu with two on in the ninth inning, for cryin' out loud, don't bat him third. For the second season in a row, I can not figure out why Abreu bats third on this team.

3) Melky is very bad.

4) The Rangers never had to intentionally walk Jeter because Jeter never batted.

The thing is, I think the Yankees would have lost anyway. Melky bunts, Damon grounds out, Jeter grounds out. But the managerial decision was totally awful and now the Yankees are 7.5 games behind Tampa.


If you want to read about Madonna the singer, you can read gossip columnist Mike Lupica.

I'd like to meet Lupica randomly in a bar sometime. I'd give him $100 on the spot if he could tell me what team Ian Kinsler plays for. I know you've got the lowdown on the final 12 contestants on "American Idol," but have you ever heard of the arguable first-half MVP of the American League?

A baseball columnist who thinks Jimmie Foxx is spelled "Jimmy Foxx."

A baseball columnist who doesn't know the difference between Jimmie Foxx and Jamie Foxx.

Jeter on the bench, available for pinch hitting.

Staggering decision by Girardi.


Look at Melky's splits.

May: .234, 1 hr.

June: .206, 1 hr.


This guy hit a whoop-de-doo 5 homeruns in April and Paul O'Neill declared that Melky would hit .300 with 25 homeruns this year.

Melky has 22 homeruns in 1,300 career at-bats to go along with a so-so .269 batting average.

The Bernie Williams Dream is turning into the Dave Collins Nightmare.

Another Freudian slip.

"Phils option scuffling Myers to Triple-A."

"Scuffling" Myers. Read the news, people.

Yes, Rick. Yes, he is a realistic option. Now, about that down payment for the Brooklyn Bridge ...

"In your March 10 mailbag, you mentioned that Carl Pavano could be ready to go in June or July. With the state of the Yankees rotation, is he a realistic option? How close is he to being game-ready?-- Rick H., Hoboken, N.J."

I think they're all big games.

"If you needed to win one high-stakes game, whom would you rather have pitching, Pettitte or Santana?

...

Yes, the Mets could have scored more runs for him, but these are the types of games the No.1 starter is supposed to win. For the moment, Pettitte still seems to know how to do that a little better than Santana."

Most of this article is nonsense. Santana is overrated overall and disappointing in 2008, but the only reason Santana doesn't have a better record is because his team doesn't score enough runs when he pitches. When Santana points this out, he is not refreshingly honest, he's a crybaby.

Whatever.


What I really don't understand is the idea that Saturday's game was "big."

If you're going to bother distinguishing between high stakes and low stakes game, then why is the game against the Yankees categorized as high stakes?

The Mets are not battling the Yankees for a playoff spot. The Mets are not even in the same league as the Yankees.

If the Mets are battling the Yankees for a playoff spot, then congratulations to the Mets. They won 4 out of 6 vs. the Yankees this year.

The Mets won the Battle of New York: When is the parade?


If either of these teams are going to make the playoffs, they're going to have to win a lot of games. All kinds of games. Big games, small games, high stakes games, low stakes games, home games, away games, night games, day games.

Beating the Mets is no more important than beating the Royals, even if John Harper can't be bothered to pay attention to June games vs. KC.

They're all big games and the stakes are always high.

The Mets need a pitcher like Santana, whose ERA is 3.01.

The Mets don't need a pitcher like Oliver Perez, who can seemingly transform himself into a "big game" pitcher whenever he faces the Yankees or the Braves, and then tanks against the Mariners.

"They're not nearly as interested in the Subway Series here as you might think."

Mr. Lupica, I was not necessarily expecting children with cancer in New Mexico to be interested in the Subway Series.

However, I'd expect a sportswriter for the New York Daily News to be interested in the New York baseball teams.

Instead, I get Knicks, Knicks, Knicks, Knicks, Knicks, Knicks, Knicks, politics, London, soccer, Mets, tennis, Michael Strahan, Yankees, horse racing, baseball, Red Sox, Imus's ranch rodeo for children with cancer, London.

Wakka wakka wakka.

Maybe the Yankees should have kept Billy Crystal full-time. He could have entertained the press corps with impromptu impersonations of ex-Presidents:

"Even during the good times, the Yankees have always been the circus act in this interborough rivalry, their combination of controversy and mega-stars so often making for great entertainment. Only this time the Mets come into the Subway Series as the team in the center ring after a circus-like month seemingly stolen right out of the Steinbrenner playbook."

Do you suppose John Harper even watches baseball games anymore?

Self-awareness is a key component of a fulfilling existence.

"Steinbrenner said he didn't want to comment on the manner in which Randolph was fired because he's not 'one of those talk-radio types' who spews on subjects he knows little about."

Yankees win seven in a row. Five games back.

"Now what for the Mets? It is a real good question on either side of the Atlantic after a week in which they managed to turn themselves into the kings of comedy, a good question even if you are on your way to Centre Court, Wimbledon, for the first time in a long time, a long way from Shea."

I'm not in London, on my way to Centre Court, Wimbledon.

Why?

Are you, Mike Lupica?

Are you in London, on your way to Centre Court, Wimbledon?

Nice to know. What did you have for breakfast? Since we're talking about the Mets, I think it's relevant.


"Now the people in charge go back to work and prove to their fans that they still know what they're doing, that they didn't turn into a complete bums with this one act, show their fans, over the rest of this season and into the offseason, that they are better than the way they just treated Willie Randolph, which means like he was a loser on 'The Apprentice.' "

Is that show even on the air anymore?

"Willie didn't turn into the worst manager in the world over the last year-and-a-half. And the people who signed his checks now get to prove that they didn't turn into the family from 'Family Guy,' beyond all redemption forever."

"Family Guy"! I watch that show, too! The baby who talks like Peter Lorre? Hilarious.

Your cultural references are on fire today.

Next thing you know, you'll be bringing up the Frankenstein sketch from "The Ben Stiller Show"; You could reference "The State": ("I'm Willie Randolph, and I'm outta heeeere."); Maybe explain how Cleon Jones reminds you of the lead singer of Thinking Fellers Union Local 282.

What about the Yankees, though?

Winners of seven in a row? Five games out? Four guys potentially racing for the batting crown?

Anything about the most popular baseball team in New York City metropolitan area?

In the middle of June?

I found it! Almost at the end of the three-page article:

"The Yankees really are in the middle of one of the softest interleague schedules in the history of the known universe: Astros, Padres, Reds, Pirates.

And, well, our kids from Shea."


Very good.

Go watch Wimbeldon ... and get those Harry Potter references ready! Because Harry Potter is British.

I kid because I care.

In this embarrassing, classless, and downright sad article -- I really find it amazing that a man can develop a reputation for being "classy" just because he's soft-spoken and still maintain that reputation regardless of what he actually says or actually does -- Felz attempts to dig out one morsel of levity:

"I don't like the way the Mets handled my firing. I think it was pretty weak. I think I would've deserved better if my record had been 0-555, not 302-253."

So, what I was thinking was that, ummm, the manager would probably get fired before the record got to 0-555.

Like, a 500-game losing streak would probably be enough to get a manager fired.


Yeesh.

I apologize to everyone.

I hope some day I can regain your trust.

I have erred.

Please go to this website instead of felzball.

Value.

"Rodriguez had another brilliant one last night, homering for the fourth straight game while racking up three hits in the Yankees' 8-5 win over the Padres in The Bronx. The Yanks are now 19-9 since his return, and he's hitting .382 with 10 homers, 29 RBIs and six steals in those games."

Jerry Manuel's first play as manager of the Mets.

This is downright surreal:

"Angels starter John Lackey looked over to first, and soon everyone else was, too: Reyes was rubbing his leg. Then he rubbed it some more. He asked for time, walked off the base, kept rubbing the leg, feeling it out. Now the Mets' training staff was out there, and so was Manuel. Earlier, asked about his philosophy of baseball, Manuel had said it was important for baseball teams to know their manager cared 'just as much about the player as about the result.'

He would hold true to that credo now, less than five minutes into his tenure. Manuel told Reyes he was taking him out of the game. Only Reyes didn't want to go. He shook his head. He bent his knees. Manuel tried to put an arm around Reyes but Reyes started walking toward second. The crowd started to stir uneasily, the way a crowd at a mall stirs uneasily watching a petulant child at Toys 'R' Us.

Finally, Reyes gave in, but not before throwing his helmet, not before tearing his jersey out from his pants and storming into the clubhouse, the fury etched deep into his face. Manuel would soon follow him there. Reyes later apologized."

One time, Ty Cobb beat up a fan who had no hands.

I thought it was unnecessary to make these guys fly all the way to the West Coast, but it's not really that big of a deal in the scheme of things:

"I do not say this lightly: The Mets' firings of Randolph, pitching coach Rick Peterson and first base coach Tom Nieto will go down as one of the most disgraceful episodes in sports history."

I think it will be mostly forgotten in a month or two, especially if the Mets make the playoffs.


But, just for the heck of it, I'll review this Week in Sports Disgrace:

-- An NBA ref who fixed games to support his gambling habit accused the NBA of fixing a playoff game. The majority of fans believe the ref.

-- Cedric Benson was arrested for drunk driving. Which isn't too unusual for an NFL player. Except Benson was arrested for drunk boating last month.

-- Suzyn Waldman spoke about the Yankees, on air, where people could hear.

Say what?

"That man is Fred Wilpon, who over the past 28 years as president and CEO of the Mets has cultivated a reputation as a decent man, a man of superior judgment and intelligence."

Fred Wilpon has cultivated a reputation as a man of superior judgment and intelligence?

That would be a record, or something.

According to yahoo's glitchy game recap:

"Top 6th: NY Yankees

- R. Cano singled to right, R. Cano and C. Wang scored, J. Damon to third
- R. Cano singled to center, J. Damon scored, D. Jeter to second
- R. Cano homered to deep left center, D. Jeter and H. Matsui scored
- R. Cano homered to deep left center, J. Giambi scored"

Six games back.

"My feeling on our kids in Yankee pinstripes goes something like this:

When you're spending $200 million on baseball players, you're sort of not supposed to need a weak wild-card field to make the playoffs."

That's it?

The Yankees are 3 games over .500 for the first time this season. Six games back of Boston, 4.5 games back of Tampa. Not 1927 or 1998, but too early to give up on the AL East, don't you think?


Mussina has rebounded to a truly astonishing ten wins so far (can a 39-year-old win Comeback Player of the Year?); Joba had a decent six-inning start and seems to have adjusted his pitching style; Farnsworth pitched well in back-to-back games, which is something I thought was truly not possible.


Should Rasner replace Pettitte in the rotation if the playoffs started today? Should Cano be benched? When is Bruney coming back?


Damon is OPSing .888 while Coco Crisp is OPSing .676.

Matsui is OPSing .869 while Jacoby Ellsbury is OPSing .763.

ARod is OPSing .996 while Mike Lowell is OPSing .827.

Those stats don't mean too much per se and they are presented out of context. But I just conveyed more information about the 2008 Yankee baseball season after two minutes of research than "America's premier sports columnist" has conveyed in three months of supposed baseball coverage.


It's already mid-June.

The baseball season is almost halfway over.

It's a good time to start paying attention to the New York baseball teams instead of, say, Tim Russert or "American Idol."

It's all Billy Wagner's fault.

Relax, Lupica: Nobody ever said it was all Billy Wagner's fault. Until me, in the title of this blog entry:

"So the Phillies are 14-1/2 games better than the Mets over the last 83. We can talk and talk about Wagner, but those three blown saves since last Sunday are just two games out of the 14-1/2. If this is all Wagner's fault, how come the Mets are under .500 in the middle of June?"

You're right, Mike Lupica.

Congratulations

You won another argument with yourself.

It's kind of weird, however, that you're so in love with Billy Wagner that you defend him even when he's not being attacked.

A statue of Jobu might help.

"We're just in one of those real bad ruts where the baseball gods are not good to you," Randolph said.

That's how losers talk.


"They talk about $140 million payrolls," Randolph said. "But the payroll is not always out there. That's the way it goes."

Not that you're using injuries as an excuse.


Blaming injuries, blaming the baseball gods, compaining about what "they" are saying. Sounds like a man delivering his own eulogy.

Another blown save for B-Wags?

When a player calls out his teammates, it's somewhat gratifiying to see this player fail on the field.

When a player is one of Mike Lupica's man-crushes, it's somewhat gratifying to see this player fail on the field.

When a player is on the Mets and the manager's job is on the line, it's somewhat gratifying to see this player fail on the field.

Can not handle the pressure of New York.

Randy Johnson was better in New York than this guy.

Ball Thief makes a cameo appearance.

The touching story of the never-was attacking a has-been:

"After the game, Johnson played off the incident, saying: 'It didn't bother me at all. If it would've, [Mientkiewicz] would probably be on a stretcher, and I'd be out of the game.' "

That's not a very nice thing to say.


"I've been on a stretcher before and, technically, he's been out of the game for three years in my mind," Mientkiewicz said.

Good comeback, Ball Thief.


" 'That just shows me how mentally weak he is. That's why he got out of [New York].'

Johnson played in New York from 2005-06 before returning to the D-backs rotation in '07.

'New York beat him down, let's put it that way,' said Mientkiewicz."

Johnson won 34 games in two season with the Yankees. While disappointing, it is a lot for somebody who was "technically" out of baseball.

But let's say Johnson was a terrible baseball player in New York and the reason he was terrible is because he was mentally weak.

What's your reason for being a terrible ballplayer in New York? You're mentally tough, but just lacking talent?

Compare and contrast.

Tim Marchman's abbreviated analysis of the 2008 NY baseball season:

"That’s a really broad question and I could go on for a while. Basically the Mets seem to be stuck in a recurring pattern where they develop some good young talent, invest well in veterans, verge on becoming a really elite team, and then blow it because they tilt a little too heavily toward older players. This has gone on under so many general managers and so many managers, and for so long, that it really seems to be a systemic problem, and the one common thread for a long time now has been the Wilpon family, who really don’t get enough blame for presiding over the same story being told over and over again with a slightly different cast each time. I have thought, and continue to think, that Randolph should go, but that’s mainly because he doesn’t seem a good fit stylistically for this team, which needs more of a Weaver/Valentine type improviser in my opinion.

The Yankees are entertaining as usual; this is a transition year for them and I’m mainly surprised that they seem to be sticking with the idea of developing the young talent while trying to squeeze a last run out of the older players, rather than visibly panicking. I do have the sense that Hank Steinbrenner could become a really serious problem for them, just because you never want an owner expressing opinions on which players should be in the rotation or the lineup, especially when those opinions are different from those of people with actual professional qualifications, but for right now he’s a harmless diversion. The Yankees may not be good, but there’s never any sense of abject hopelessness about them, and that puts them up on the Mets."

Mike Lupica attempts the same:

"Really, this is what the baseball season in New York has been so far:

One start for Joba.

All the talk about Willie Randolph's job."

I think you meant to say, "This is a really broad topic and I could go on for a while."

Or not.

Exactly.

"I think we're a good team, but it's always been ridiculous that people look at payroll," Randolph said. "I've been on many teams where that doesn't wash."

You've been on many underachieving teams. Very interesting. Did you put that on your resume when you applied for the job as Mets manager?


"People have to produce. Look at Seattle this year or Detroit."

Classy. Don't call out any NL teams, though. Them, you will have to play.


"Expectations might be higher by fans and the media, but you have to play the game, do your job, execute. That's how you justify payroll. It doesn't mean it's automatic."

We all agree it's not automatic. The team needs to try hard and they also need good management.

Can't fire all 25 players, and so on, and so forth.

If it was 1996, he would have struck him out. I remember because I was the catcher.

"His 111th and final pitch was a fastball too high and too fat to get past Jose Guillen, who drilled it into the leftfield seats for a grand slam that put Kansas City up 10-6.

It was a sign of respect for Pettitte that he was allowed to pitch to Guillen, who already had three RBIs on a homer and single. 'I'm going with experience, that's the bottom line,' Joe Girardi said. 'It was Andy's game to win or lose there.' "

Terrible decision by Girardi and pathetic postgame rationale.

Follow your bliss.

"The New York baseball season hasn't happened yet, has it?

Unless you think this is all the Yankees and Mets have.

Really, this is what the baseball season in New York has been so far:

One start for Joba.

All the talk about Willie Randolph's job."

At the time of this writing, the Yankees had played 61 games in the 2008 season.

Lupica was only interested in one of these games.

He missed some very exciting baseball games.

Win or lose, a lot of these games have been interesting.

Hughes, Kennedy, Wang, Rasner, Pettitte, and Mussina are too boring for Lupica to watch. He can't even find a single storyline with any of these non-Joba pitchers ... can you?


"And Hank Steinbrenner talking, constantly, almost every day, every news cycle, as if somebody has injected him with truth serum, talking about everything and everybody as if talking can turn him into his old man."

Hank Steinbrenner is not talking, constantly, almost every day, every news cycle.

You are lying.


"Hank really likes to talk about Joba, especially, about how all the Baseball Experts he knows, and I'll bet he knows a lot of them, tell him that even though Joba has just one big-league start in the books and a handful of starts in the minor leagues, he is a surefire bet to be a stud ace for the next 10 years."

Nobody has said that Joba is going to be a stud ace for the next 10 years.

You are lying again.

You are making up an imaginary counter-argument and then bravely defeating that argument.


Tell us again how Pedro's nine wins per season have been worth it for the Mets. Or how ARod can't field at third base. Or how Coco Crisp is better than Johnny Damon. Or how great Oliver Perez is going to be.

See, Hank Steinbrenner is surely a fool. An easy target. Yet, Steinbrenner accidentally knows more about baseball than Lupica does.


"There is so much that we don't know about these two teams after more than two months of the season."

We?

There is so much we don't know about these two teams?

Speak for yourself.

If you have any questions about the Yankees, you should ask me. I watch a lot of the games or listen on the radio or get a recap online. Because I like to follow baseball.

That guy wearing #14 is Wilson Betemit. No. It's pronounced Bet-E-Mit. Yeah. He was actually on the team last year, too. Yeah, they traded Scott Proctor for him. No, Scott Proctor isn't on the Yankees anymore. He's been gone for a while, actually.


"First there is the business of one last season at Yankee Stadium, one at Shea.

Two old parks.

Two old-looking teams right now.

One game under .500 going into yesterday."

Hughes, Kennedy, Joba, Rasner, Ramirez, Cano, Cabrera ... do the Yankees look old?

They don't look particuarly good ... but do they look old?


What difference does it really make, anyway?

So the Yankees are a .500 team so far.

Maybe they'll be a .500 team this entire season.

If the Yankees win 60 games this season, Lupica will complain that they stink. If the Yankees win 100 games this season, Lupica will complain that they stink. If the Yankees win the World Series, Lupica will complain that they have too many free agents, or something. Lupica has a friend who doesn't like ARod and the Yankees charge too much for their tickets.

We get it, already.

You don't like baseball in general and you don't like the Yankees in particular.

For you, writing about baseball is just a joyless exercise

You are a fraudulent hack who sold out to this Breslin Wannabe shtick.

Are you sure you won a World Series?

I'm almost ten years old and I remember some other shorstops who won World Series.

But I don't remember the Yankees ever winning a World Series.

My daddy says you won the World Series before I was even born.

My daddy says the last time you won the World Series, gas was under $2.00 per gallon.

Are you sure you're really a professional baseball player? Wow! That's neat-o! Can you get Juan Uribe's autograph for me?

Pettitte 2008 again proves he's no Pettitte 1998.

"Farnsworth (0-2) gave up the go-ahead run on a double to Delmon Young to drop the Yankees back below .500 (28-29) and keep the Joba Debate on the front burner going into tonight's game with Toronto."

See, I was thinking that if the Yankees had a quality start, then Farnsworth would have had a 3-run or 4-run lead.

Just like the old days.

It's a museum.

I am going to go out on a limb and predict that Heyman will vote "no" for Gary Sheffield:

"Gary Carter, who tried campaigning for Willie Randolph's job on Sirius Satellite Radio, and also by calling Mets p.r. director Jay Horwitz, later tried to say that's not what he was doing. But it was. He did the same thing when he was looking to get in the Hall of Fame. It worked that time (though not with me. I was so disgusted by his tactics that I voted 'no.')"

It's not even the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame anymore. It's the Good Interview Hall of Fame. The Nice Guy Hall of Fame. The Popularity Contest Hall of Fame. One Time I Saw Kirby Puckett Make A Nice Catch But I Never Paid Attention To Al Oliver Hall of Fame.

Are you sure you're not a shortstop?

Hate to break it to you, kid, but there's also no Santa Claus.


The odd thing is that Dan Graziano warns us that Jeter's defense is a touchy subject. Yankee officials are "afraid" they might "upset or embarrass" Jeter.

There are grown-ups acting like children.

Derek Jeter is not a great fielder and he never has been. I know about the dive into the stands and I also know about the flip. But he has little range and, this season in particular, an erratic arm.

Just watch that games and this is evident.

Yet, we're not allowed to talk about it?

The George Hamilton of Baseball Coaching.

"Joe Torre is the luckiest man in America."

I happen to agree. One day between the 1995 and 1996 baseball seasons, a mediocre Yankee farmhand named Mariano Rivera suddenly threw the ball 95 mph consistently. Lucky day for Joe Torre.


"Look at what he's missing:

• Mediocrity in the Bronx, where his former team has struggled ..."

Exact same record as the Dodgers.


I'll bet LA is sunny.

It offers a contrast to New York in that regard.

Go with that angle, Roy S. Hack:

"Now, look at what Torre has – a tan."

Sweet.

I dare you to ask him about the game.

"Many fans in the crowd at Shea stood and cheered when Torre made a pitching change in the seventh inning, and Torre waved and doffed his cap while walking back to the dugout.

'It was unexpected and appreciated,' said Torre, whose first managing job came with the Mets in 1977. 'That made me feel good.' "

You should feel good. Losing by four runs. One game under .500. You had a chance to visit the house in Westchester, drop your kid off at school, make some phone calls to Willie Randolph and "Joey" Girardi. I read all about it in the gossip pages. I mean, the "sports" pages.

You also have a nice tan. Probably the tannest major league manager in all the major leagues. Personally, I have not been keeping track. I'm so out of touch.

Let's review my day: I visited the house in Westchester, worked on my tan, made a Subway commercial, drank some green tea, dropped the kid off at school, met with a gaggle of reporters ... there's something else I was supposed to do today.

OK, he's out there and he really doesn't care if he wins or loses.

"About eight years ago in this town it just became more than just a game," Torre said. "And I don't know what changed it, but I had to measure more carefully everything I said."

You don't know what changed about eight years ago?

You lost in the playoffs instead of winning.

I think when your team wins, you can say "yamma yamma yamma yammma yamma" and everyone is happy. When your team loses, you have to measure your words more carefully.


"I hate to say it is more comfortable because then people will say, 'OK, he's out there and he really doesn't care if he wins or loses.' It's still important in L.A., but everything surrounding it is different in New York."

Yeah, you probably shouldn't say it's more comfortable. People may take that the wrong way.

Nice to see you made it to the ballpark for the baseball game in between all the self-congratulatory press conferences.

Say, do you know who's the Mets' starting pitcher tonight?

No, you probably don't.

You're really more of a figurehead than an actual working manager.

Impossible is nothing.

"The manager is 'more laid back' now than he was in New York, according to ex-Yankee Scott Proctor, now part of the Dodger bullpen. 'You can just see it,' Proctor said. 'Not that he smiles more, but he seems like he's enjoying coaching, enjoying being here.'

Torre's craggy face creases with a smile when told of Proctor's description.

'The stress factor,' Torre said, 'is much less out there.' "

In yesterday's game, Joe Girardi was standing.

In yesterday's game, Joe Girardi complained to the umpires because Matsui was batting during a heavy downpour.

Right or wrong, it was downright shocking to witness a manager of the New York Yankees utilize energy in support of his players.


How can Joe Torre be "more laid back" than he was in New York? It's like finding a theoretical particle that moves faster than light.

In a way, it's inspiring. It truly pushes the limits of human behavior.


Few more questions:

1) Aren't Yankee fans, players, management upset to learn that Torre hated his last few years in New York?

2) Aren't Dodger fans, players, management upset to learn that Torre -- the highest paid manager in MLB -- basically views their team as a laid-back, stress-free, part-time gig on his road to retirement?

3) Why is Joe Torre divulging Willie Randolph's answering machine message: " 'I may have a wrong number because I got one of those generic voices (on voice mail),' Torre said of his call to Randolph."

Yes, Joe. It was the wrong number for sure.

Just like Girardi hasn't returned your call yet. But he was going to. He was thinking about it right when you called.

What ever happened to Lenn Sakata?

Why doesn't Sakata's name ever come up as a candidate for Randolph's job?

Winningest manager in California League history.

Played for as many winning World Series teams as Willie Randolph. Went a mere 0-for-1 in the 1983 World Series, but he was undoubtedly a calming influence between Eddie Murray and Earl Weaver. I mean, between Eddie Murray and Joe Altobelli.

Say, why doesn't Joe Altobelli's name ever come up as a candidate for Randolph's job?

Nice guy, bad manager. Torre's protege, in other words.

"As the de facto offensive coordinator of Joe Torre's dynastic Yanks, Randolph was rejected as a candidate for one managerial job after another, this while every white bullpen catcher and his brother got a gig."

First of all, I had no idea that Randolph was the "de facto offensive coordinator" for the Yankees. In fact, I've never heard the term "offensive coordinator" used in regards to a baseball team.

I think he was the first-base coach for a while, then the third-base coach, and then the bench coach. I could be wrong. I don't really pay too much attention except when Bobby Meacham gets a guy thrown out at home with no outs.


Secondly, who else from Joe Torre's dynastic Yankees got a gig? Lee Mazzilli had a blah year-and-a-half in Baltimore. Now he's unemployed, I suppose, after some time on Sportsnet New York.

Did anybody else branch out from Torre's managerial tree?

All of Torre's white coaches and bullpen catchers have been getting gigs all over the place, but I can't think of any.

Does Girardi count? Girardi got a managerial gig really quickly. Girardi passed a lot of black candidates and white candidates, too. Hispanic candidates, too, and, if Lenn Sakata was looking for a job, then Asian candidates, too.


"Does anyone really believe that a white man who was a two-time champion Yankee as a player and a four-time champion Yankee as a coach would've waited as long as Randolph did before a franchise finally called his number? Especially when that man was considered a stabilizing force in those crazy George-Billy-Reggie, Bronx-is-burning days?"

Maybe he was a stabilizing force in the Bronx-is-burning days. I'm not sure. According to the TV show, Fran Healy was stabilizinger.

In the 1977 World Series, Randolph hit .160 while Reggie hit five homeruns.

In the 1978 World Series, Randolph did not play due to injury while his replacement, Brian Doyle, hit .438.

Perhaps Randolph really was the "offensive coordinator" for the dynastic Joe Torre Yankees. After all, Randolph has a history of sitting on the bench while other people win rings for him.


"Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reggie, hit the next one into the black seats. Way to go, Reggie!

I totally told Aaron Boone he was going to hit a homerun. I told him he was gonna! It's almost like I hit the homerun myself."


One more point:

I dug up this gem from my blog, from September 4, 2005. (I searched for the term "hippity hop"):

" 'We live in this hip-hop culture now, where players -- even white players -- are caught up in the whole 'respect' and 'dissing' and stuff like that,' " Randolph said last week. "To be able to speak that language is important. I'm not saying Grady Little or Jimy Williams can't do it, but I think it helps if you understand the culture."
...

"I've worked with the (Derek) Jeters and the Bernie Williamses and the (Gary) Sheffields, and I understand what makes them tick," Randolph said. 'And I think that's helped me to make this transition.' "

Essentially, Randolph is saying he was hired because he is black. Because a black manager can relate to black players better than a white manager can. No other way to interpret this quote.

Randolph's performance proves he was completely wrong and it's very obvious that a lot of his players -- "even white players" --have tuned him out.

I wouldn't go as far to say it's racist to call out Grady Little and Jimy Williams like that. I'd just say it's ignorant and misguided.

I suppose it's fair to some degree to use Willie Randolph, Mets Manager, as a prism through which to view this country's race issues. O'Connor is certainly correct when he says that race affects everything and, if it affects everything, then it must affect how Randolph is perceived.

But, in total, I'd say Randolph is using his chains as a whip. Art Howe would have definitely been fired by now.

You wanted headlines, you got 'em.

"On a day at Shea that was like some sideshow Yankee day, with a media crowd big enough to fill a couple of sections behind home plate, the owners of the Mets did not fire Randolph."

Yeah, that hack media crowd coming out of the woodwork to finally cover the Mets.

When is the last time you think any of these clowns took the 7 train? What a bunch of gossipy vultures.

Am I right?

Say, Lupica, when is the last time you made it out to Flushing to watch an actual baseball game?

I mean, before today's, you know, "sideshow"?


"Randolph does have that support. For now. Just not forever."

Thanks for the insight.

That was almost as good as the advice where you said the manager should win more games.

That was the actual headline: "Win some games, Willie Randolph."

I have to say that I think the grizzled New York sportswriter just might be onto something there.

Maybe you should mention that to Willie and Omar at the press conference. You know, since you lugged all the way to Shea, and you might as well say something.

Phrase it like a question, though. Something like, "Do you think that the questions about your job security and overall performance as manager will change if your team starts winning a lot of games?"

Then, Randolph can answer, "Yes. Winning games is the key."


"The Mets have had a tremendous opportunity over the past year-and-a-half to be the best and most glamorous team in New York again, the way they were 20 years ago when they weren't just the best team in town but made the most headlines, too."

"Look at me! I'm Brian Schneider, baby, and I'm glamorous! My cleats were designed by Vera Wang."

This would have been an imaginary victory in an imaginary battle in an imaginary place called Lupica Land.

It's Strat-O-Matic.

"As a lifelong Mets fan I'm finding myself more irritated this year. This offense should not be shut out by a Minor League pitcher and a last-place Nationals team at home. Why is there no "fire" on this team? From the managers to the players, they all seem complacent. I've always given Willie Randolph the benefit of the doubt, but if he's not going to try to fire up the players and drill in the need for fundamentals, then he needs to be replaced. Thoughts?
-- Dave V., Queensbury, N.Y.

Managers are in place to manage, not motivate."

Every Yankee fan disagrees with you.

I'm not into the All Star Game or even the hype surrounding the closing of Yankee Stadium. Heck, I'm not even into the constant reminders of Babe, Gehrig, Mickey, and Joe D. Babe Ruth will be invoked 1 million times during the All Star Game. In case you didn't know, Yankee Stadium is also referred to as the "House That Ruth Built." Oh, and if you didn't know that, I should also remind you that if you walk outside when it's raining, you might get wet:

"But now [the Yankees] act as if David Ortiz making some promotional swing at the All-Star Game - where four tickets can cost you more than a new car - will somehow be like spray-painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with graffiti.

This isn't as silly as putting construction workers on overtime to dig up an Ortiz jersey.

Close enough.

It is amazing how often the Yankees who spend big, and will soon charge the biggest ticket prices in the world on the other side of 161st St., think as small as they do.

Isn't it?"

No, Mike Lupica, it isn't.

Even though I am personally disinterested, I understand that the entire All Star Game will be symbolic pomp. Some fans enjoy that type of thing. Drag Ted Williams out to the pitcher's mound and have a good cry.

When Babe Ruth's called shot is emulated -- paying tribute to Yankee Stadium's 85 years and the man most responsible for it -- David Ortiz should be in the dugout.

Wait until you hear how loudly Ortiz is booed by Yankee fans, and deservedly so. I'd rather have Andy Cannizaro representing Yankees history.

I can only hope Goose Gossage is on the mound and Gossage shows Ortiz some chin music. "I'll add another gap to your smile, you fat piece of garbage."


"Seriously: When did somebody like Randy Levine become the keeper of the flame for the Yankees?"

When did somebody like Mike Lupica become the keeper of the flame for the Yankees?

Mid-May Week in Review in the sports section for a New York newspaper and Lupica doesn't even mention the return of Alex Rodriguez (three balls hit over the wall in the first two games) which sparked a four-game winning streak.

Instead, Lupica mentions his man-crushes, "Big Papi" and even Billy Wagner.

I'm just surprised Lupica went a whole week without mentioning Gorgeous Jonathan Papelbon and Dreamy Theo Epstein.


"And, oh by the way, who's going to be the Bridge to Mariano - I love it when the announcers say that, as if it's the greatest lyrics about a bridge since Simon and Garfunkel - once the kid is in the rotation?"

Simon and Garfunkel?

I see your connection with the current music scene is as strong as your connection with Yankee fans.

But the answer to your question, in case you were wondering, is Kyle Farnsworth and the currently-injured Brian Bruney.

You'd probably know that if you followed the Yankees instead of the Red Sox.

PS - Edwar Ramirez has an ERA of 0.00.

Are we talking about Joba Chamberlain or Neville Chamberlain?

"Prior to World War I, the Germans invested billions in a state of the art navy to compete with Britain's magnificent fleet. In the course of the war, they took it out once, fought the inconclusive battle of Jutland, and put it back into storage — the boats were too pretty and too expensive for them to risk losing them. Assuming they won, they might need them for, um, something. And so the ships sat, and the Germans lost the war, and their navy was scuttled so as not to fall into British hands. A gun that you don't fire isn't a gun, it's a paperweight.

Chamberlain risks becoming a paperweight this season. He has the capability to start and perform at a high level, or we assume he does based on available evidence. That assumption needs to be tested, because if indeed his is capable, then having him sit around waiting for leads and pitching 70 innings this year is a tremendous misapplication of resources."

Our team, our time.

"Teixeira scored from second on Johnson's infield hit to second. Castillo threw toward the plate from his knees, but the throw to Schneider was about 10 feet up the first-base line.

Schneider, apparently unaware Teixeira kept running from third, made no attempt to rush back to the plate for a possible play."

Felz has a theory.

No, seriously, I do. I have a theory about baseball.

My theory is that the umpires have always been this bad but we just didn't know because we didn't have omnipresent replay technology.

Instant replay, I think, would be an easy partial solution. But the bigger problem, on a daily basis, is the mysterious, shifting strike zone. It's widely accepted that different umpires have different strike zones; that a borderline 3-0 pitch is a strike; that a rookie won't get the same call that a veteran will get; that the umpires widen the strike zone to manage a slow-moving game; that the strike zone shrinks if the pitcher has a bad attitude.

Why does MLB culture accept this nonsense?

She knows from being not paid attention to.

I don't even know what Hank said this time. I didn't read it carefully. I think he's unhappy with Cashman and patient with Girardi. That kind of makes sense to me.

"What about Hank Steinbrenner? Well what about him? He has a lot to say. Yet how much impact do his words have on Girardi, the players, or anyone else in the Yankee organization?

That's the question Joe Benigno and Evan Roberts asked Suzyn (Georgie Girl) Waldman on WFAN before Sunday night's Mets-Yankees game.

'No. I don't think anybody pays attention (to Hank Steinbrenner),' Waldman said. '... Every time Hank goes out and says something, 10 minutes later he's saying, "Well, that's not exactly what I meant to say." ' "

Saturday, Waldman was explaining how the Mets had made a big mistake saving Santana for the Yankees series because, due to Friday night's rainout, Santana was given two extra days' rest.

Ten minutes later, I was trying to forget what she said.


Earlier this season, Waldman spent a lot of time explaining how Jose Molina was practically the second coming of Johnny Bench.

Ten minutes later, I was trying to forget what she said.


I believe my least favorite Waldmanism is her insistence that a batter will get "one good pitch to hit" in every at-bat. She seems to believe that every batter will get one good pitch in every at-bat and, also, that every at-bat will consist of exactly one good pitch. Therefore, every time a batter fouls off a hanging curve, Waldman will claim that the batter fouled off the "one good pitch" he will see during this at-bat.

I don't believe Waldman is joking or being intentionally apocryphal.

I think she is being literal.

I think she literally believes every at-bat consists of one good pitch to hit.

Ten minutes later, I try to forget what she said.

But I can not.

These things are burned into my brain.

To get all your sports scores in-stant-ly / Dial 976-13-13

"It is no surprise when you dial 242-211-5560 it is not a working number. Those digits represent the Yankees New York Yankees' run totals in the past 10 games, starting with the deuce scored in Sunday's embarrassing 11-2 Subway Series loss to the Mets.

Unless I'm misunderstanding, you wrote down the number of runs the Yankees scored in each of their last ten games and then you dialed that number on the telephone.

Is 242 even an area code?

Maybe that's why it's not a working number.


"Please save all that manure about how they rebounded from a sluggish start in 2007 to make the playoffs.

Last year has nothing to do with this season. A little past the quarter pole the 20-24 Yankees are in trouble."

Fair enough.

You know what has even less to do with this season?

1) Drinking a case of Hamm's.
2) Writing down the number of runs the Yankees scored in each of their last ten games.
3) Dialing that phone number.
4) Publishing the results in a newspaper.

He's so fat, he went dancing and he made the band skip.

Thanks to T.J. Simers, "professional" sportswriting in L.A. devolves into Yo Momma jokes:

"If only Andruw Jones has what it takes to get to second base on this hot afternoon, then taking a lead, turning full body toward home plate and blocking out the sun.

The Tubbo is the only guy in uniform right now who could provide shade for a whole ballpark -- at least making himself useful.

...

I stopped by the Dodgers clubhouse after their win over the Angels to see if Jones cared, but he was already in the lunch room eating. No telling how long he could be in there.

...

By now, I hoped, Jones had finished eating, so I went to the Dodgers clubhouse. First thing I noticed, the Dodgers had a box of doughnuts, now half gone, just around the wall from Jones' locker."

He's so fat, he once broke his ankle and gravy came out.

He's so fat, when he sits around the house, he sits around the house.

He's so fat, his nickname is "Damn!"

He's so fat, he eats Wheat Thicks.

Secret papers show Yankees make a lot of money.

"The millions of dollars earned by the Bronx Bombers - whose estimated $1.2 billion worth makes them one of the most valuable franchises in the world - have reached record levels."

No way!

Despite my knowledge of basic economics (inflation, supply & demand) and my knowledge of Yankee attendance figures (4 million+ every year), I must admit I am shocked that the Yankees are making record levels of income.

Of course, I didn't have access to secret papers.

"Documents obtained by the Daily News under a Freedom of Information request provide a rare look at the Yankees formidable cash-generating operation.

Even die-hard fans accustomed to paying top dollar to watch the superstar team will be astounded by the numbers."

Oh, a FOIL request. That means they're not really secret.

Go ahead, "secret" papers: Astound me.


"Last year, the team - which hasn't won a World Series in eight years - grossed a record $188 million in gate receipts, a 20.5% increase over the 2006 season."

Not astounded yet.


"Factoring in other revenue streams like overpriced hot dogs, beer, pizzas and souvenirs - and income from the cable TV rights to home games - Stadium income surpassed $319 million in 2007."

$319M? I'm actually underwhelmed.


"That should come as no surprise with prices like these:

- $9.50 for Budweiser on tap.

- $10.50 for Foster's beer on tap.

- $5.75 for a box of Cracker Jacks.

- $8 for Italian sausage.

- $5 for a Nathan's hot dog."

Make up your mind, pal.

You just said these figures "should come as no surprise" right after you promised some "astounding" figures from "secret" documents.


"Since the Yanks have a player payroll of $208 million - the highest in the league - they need to be one of the top-earning teams."

Let's say the Yankees had a payroll of $108 million. Or $58 million. They'd still want to make as much revenue as possible.


"And 2008 is guaranteed to be another record no matter where the team finishes in the standings because fans are desperate to see games in the final year of the House that Ruth Built."

Exactly!

Regardless of what? The $208 million payroll. Right?

See, the Yankees have successfully marketed a product -- an event -- that keeps demand very high. This is what drives the high ticket prices. So, it's not really the team payroll or the team record.

Of course, demand will fall over time if the record slips consistently and the record is somewhat linked to payroll.

You get the idea. The correlation between payroll and ticket price is not direct by any means. If it was, then why wouldn't the Yankees just charge $10,000 per ticket and spend $900M on payroll?

"As recently as 2004, the Yankees reported total gate receipts of only $122 million - half of what they are projecting for next year.

The last time the team won the World Series, in 2000, gate income was a mere $83.7 million."

Since you're interested in comparing income to payroll, I should point out that, in 2008, $83.7M is enough to pay for a backup catcher and a #4 starter.

Loves Billy Wagner.

Loves Billy Wagner, loves Jonathan Papelbon, loved Tony Womack, loved Mike Cameron so much that he said Cameron was a better fielding CFer than Prime Griffey Jr.

ARod? Eh, probably not so much.

If this wasn't enough B-Wags praise for one day ...

"People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:

No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

And even though he backed up on Friday for some of the things he said on Thursday after the Mets lost to the Nationals, taking one for the team in the process, we knew exactly what he meant there.

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer."

... here's an entire article praising Wagner's four outs in Saturday's game.


Also, I am forced to conclude that Lupica just doesn't like Johan Santana, for unknown and unexplained reasons, and, therefore, Santana will not received "special media treatment":

"Johan Santana may turn out to be a total pitching star for the Mets the way he was for the Twins.

May turn out to be the great difference maker here, in terms of a World Series, that the Mets want him to be.

But before he is given any special media treatment, he needs to understand something a lot of other guys have had to understand before him:

With the kind of money he is making, with this kind of stage, comes responsibilities."

Okay, when you read this, does it seem like a secret, coded message for Johan Santana?

I have zero idea what Lupica is talking about.

I guess Lupica wants Santana to be more verbose during postgame interviews. (More like Wagner?)

That's the dilly, yo. You say outrageous stuff and I will praise you in my newspaper article. if you don't say outrageous stuff, I will not praise you in my newspaper article.

Got it?

Good.

Now, does it matter what happened on the field? I don't remember anymore.

This is about the most important thing of all: The postgame interview and the articles I write about the postgame interview.

I'm Mike Lupica, damn it. I can turn this whole city against you if I want to.

So, watch yourself, Johan Santana. You don't want Shootin' From the Lip's 50-year-old sporstwriter all up in your grill. I'll get all Metaphorical on your ass with some Gangsta double entendres and whatnot.

Can't you even fathom my skills? "Shootin' From the Lip" is a pun for "Shootin' From the Hip," beeyotch.

Monument Park awaits #25.

Felz way ahead of the curve on this one.

Hey! I thought Randolph should be fired way before it became so fashionable.

This is just a sampling of Johnny Come Latelies joining the Felz chorus.

Meanwhile, Girardi is wondering what it takes to get noticed around here. "Hey, everybody! We're in last place and two games under .500. Fire me! Fire me!"

I like Bart Hubbuch.

I don't know who he is and I don't remember reading his sports commentary before this one. But I already like his style. In a world of flash and over-reaction it's nice to see someone who keeps a game in proper perspective:

"There are losses, then there are soul-crushing nightmares that send teams spiraling and get the manager fired."

Especially Willie, Mickey, and the Duke.

You think Yankee Cleanup Hitter, you think of the greatest sluggers of all time.

I think Lou Gehrig is spinning in his grave as a .194 hitter bats cleanup for the Yankees.

In fact, I think Jack Clark is spinning in his grave. Except Jack Clark is still alive.

Hooray for Joba.

The Yankees are leading Cleveland 6-3 in the 8th inning in a game in May.

"This is not an important game. This is not an important out. This is nothing to get excited about."

Every Yankee fan I know loves Joba. I find it inconceivable and disgusting that any pro athlete or commentator would act like a game in May doesn't matter. Which is, essentially, what Dellucci said:

" 'It is what it is. If he wants to yell and scream after a strikeout, I guess that's what gets him going,' Dellucci said. 'It's May baseball. The home run was in a much bigger situation. I didn't dance and scream.' "

A much bigger situation, I suppose, but still an unimportant game in May. Yawn.


You know, Chamberlain did the same thing last year, while Torre was managing the Yankees. Klapisch conveniently forgets the on-field antics of Joba Chamberlain, Alfonso Soriano, and Jeff Weaver, among others:

"Sooner or later, though, Girardi will have to leave a more forceful imprint on his clubhouse, especially if he wants to last in New York. It's one thing to make the players run sprints in spring training; a truer test of a manager's authority is how his players behave on the field.

Torre's Yankees certainly got it. Joe Cool might've appeared passive, but the Yankees knew better than to cross him. All it took was one look, and he could cut even a veteran in two."

Let me go to youtube and search for "Paul O'Neill" and "water cooler." Classy is the word that comes to mind.

Best fans in the world.

"A few things: Those people who booed the kid at the Stadium should be ashamed of themselves."

First I've heard about it. It's truly amazing how spoiled some Yankee fans are.

What a condescending prick.

It's beyond belief that the lapdog writers still think this guy is classy. Torre can barely conceal his contempt when discussing Joe Girardi:

"He’s going to get better. And when I say that, it doesn’t mean he’s not a good manager now."

Girardi has won Manager of the Year in 100% of the years he has been a manager.


"He’s very intelligent. He’s got a feel for the game."

I'll give you $20 right now if you can spell "intelligent."


"New York is unlike any other experience you’re ever going to have. There’s no question. There’s a certain adjustment to that. But as far as I’m concerned, Joe Girardi is a good choice for Brian Cashman. In saying that, Don Mattingly obviously was one of my coaches. I felt badly that he didn’t get the chance over there, but you certainly had to understand why Girardi got it."

It's obvious that you root against the Yankees every single day. Personally, I understand the sentiment. The dark shadow of schadenfreude. It's the same reason I root against the Dodgers every day.


Actually, what I'm really rooting for is a Dodgers/Yankees World Series. While Girardi is checking the lefty/righty splits, Torre is regaling the press with stories about Roy Campanella.

Torre brings in Proctor with runners at second and third, tie game, 8th inning. Torre instructs Proctor to intentionally walk Abreu to set up a double play. Proctor throws a patented belt-high 95-mph fastball to ARod.

Are you there, God? It's me, Felz. Can you make this happen if I pray and pray and pray?

Can Melky help get Cano back to his .290-hitting self? Since they're so close? OMG!

"Robinson Cano had a white-hot spring and now he's found a horrible slump. How do you think he'll get over it? Since he and Cabrera are so close, can Melky get him back to his .290-hitting self? I'm worried because I want him to make the All-Star Game this year, but right now that idea seems really far off.
-- Melissa P., Matawan, N.J."

Yes, Melissa.

The idea of a player who's hitting .150 making the All-Star game seems really far off.

That's, like, totally perceptive and stuff.

You mean like Jon Lieber.

I overheard Lupica on the TV today saying that the Yankees need Johan Santana because, naturally, the Yankees need an answer to Josh Beckett. The Yankees need a power pitcher who can blow people away in the playoffs.

1. Santana is 1-3, 3.97 in the playoffs.
   
2. Santana has zero rings.
   
3. The Twins would have demanded more from the Yankees than they demanded from the Mets. The reasons are obvious. The Yankees are in the American League and the Twins are quite likely to face the Yankees in the playoffs. If they needed to trade Santana before he became a free agent, they are much more likely to trade him to the National League. Which is what they did.

The Yankees are 2-10 in games started by Hughes and Kennedy.

The Yankees don't need a $20 million Cy Young Award winner.

They'd be in first place if Hughes and Kennedy were replaced with mediocrity.

Supply and demand.

It's difficult to muster too much sympathy for the wealthy, corporate season-ticket holders who are forced to give their seats to wealthier, corporate season-ticket holders:

"You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?"

Is it because Johan Santana plays for the Mets?

Lots of players, lots of ribs.

Ian Kennedy's got ribs. Jason Giambi's got ribs. Heck, Robinson Cano's got more ribs than hits.

Why isn't anybody breaking their ribs, too?

Cashman, I'll do it for you. Because I like your face, I'll give you a discount rate: $500 per rib.

There's a lot of that going around.

Another pro athlete contracts ISuckItis.

Forget about Johan Santana. Why did the Yankees get rid of Randy Johnson? Esteban Loaiza? Ted Freakin' Lilly?