Impossible is nothing.

"The manager is 'more laid back' now than he was in New York, according to ex-Yankee Scott Proctor, now part of the Dodger bullpen. 'You can just see it,' Proctor said. 'Not that he smiles more, but he seems like he's enjoying coaching, enjoying being here.'

Torre's craggy face creases with a smile when told of Proctor's description.

'The stress factor,' Torre said, 'is much less out there.' "

In yesterday's game, Joe Girardi was standing.

In yesterday's game, Joe Girardi complained to the umpires because Matsui was batting during a heavy downpour.

Right or wrong, it was downright shocking to witness a manager of the New York Yankees utilize energy in support of his players.


How can Joe Torre be "more laid back" than he was in New York? It's like finding a theoretical particle that moves faster than light.

In a way, it's inspiring. It truly pushes the limits of human behavior.


Few more questions:

1) Aren't Yankee fans, players, management upset to learn that Torre hated his last few years in New York?

2) Aren't Dodger fans, players, management upset to learn that Torre -- the highest paid manager in MLB -- basically views their team as a laid-back, stress-free, part-time gig on his road to retirement?

3) Why is Joe Torre divulging Willie Randolph's answering machine message: " 'I may have a wrong number because I got one of those generic voices (on voice mail),' Torre said of his call to Randolph."

Yes, Joe. It was the wrong number for sure.

Just like Girardi hasn't returned your call yet. But he was going to. He was thinking about it right when you called.

What ever happened to Lenn Sakata?

Why doesn't Sakata's name ever come up as a candidate for Randolph's job?

Winningest manager in California League history.

Played for as many winning World Series teams as Willie Randolph. Went a mere 0-for-1 in the 1983 World Series, but he was undoubtedly a calming influence between Eddie Murray and Earl Weaver. I mean, between Eddie Murray and Joe Altobelli.

Say, why doesn't Joe Altobelli's name ever come up as a candidate for Randolph's job?

Nice guy, bad manager. Torre's protege, in other words.

"As the de facto offensive coordinator of Joe Torre's dynastic Yanks, Randolph was rejected as a candidate for one managerial job after another, this while every white bullpen catcher and his brother got a gig."

First of all, I had no idea that Randolph was the "de facto offensive coordinator" for the Yankees. In fact, I've never heard the term "offensive coordinator" used in regards to a baseball team.

I think he was the first-base coach for a while, then the third-base coach, and then the bench coach. I could be wrong. I don't really pay too much attention except when Bobby Meacham gets a guy thrown out at home with no outs.


Secondly, who else from Joe Torre's dynastic Yankees got a gig? Lee Mazzilli had a blah year-and-a-half in Baltimore. Now he's unemployed, I suppose, after some time on Sportsnet New York.

Did anybody else branch out from Torre's managerial tree?

All of Torre's white coaches and bullpen catchers have been getting gigs all over the place, but I can't think of any.

Does Girardi count? Girardi got a managerial gig really quickly. Girardi passed a lot of black candidates and white candidates, too. Hispanic candidates, too, and, if Lenn Sakata was looking for a job, then Asian candidates, too.


"Does anyone really believe that a white man who was a two-time champion Yankee as a player and a four-time champion Yankee as a coach would've waited as long as Randolph did before a franchise finally called his number? Especially when that man was considered a stabilizing force in those crazy George-Billy-Reggie, Bronx-is-burning days?"

Maybe he was a stabilizing force in the Bronx-is-burning days. I'm not sure. According to the TV show, Fran Healy was stabilizinger.

In the 1977 World Series, Randolph hit .160 while Reggie hit five homeruns.

In the 1978 World Series, Randolph did not play due to injury while his replacement, Brian Doyle, hit .438.

Perhaps Randolph really was the "offensive coordinator" for the dynastic Joe Torre Yankees. After all, Randolph has a history of sitting on the bench while other people win rings for him.


"Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reggie, hit the next one into the black seats. Way to go, Reggie!

I totally told Aaron Boone he was going to hit a homerun. I told him he was gonna! It's almost like I hit the homerun myself."


One more point:

I dug up this gem from my blog, from September 4, 2005. (I searched for the term "hippity hop"):

" 'We live in this hip-hop culture now, where players -- even white players -- are caught up in the whole 'respect' and 'dissing' and stuff like that,' " Randolph said last week. "To be able to speak that language is important. I'm not saying Grady Little or Jimy Williams can't do it, but I think it helps if you understand the culture."
...

"I've worked with the (Derek) Jeters and the Bernie Williamses and the (Gary) Sheffields, and I understand what makes them tick," Randolph said. 'And I think that's helped me to make this transition.' "

Essentially, Randolph is saying he was hired because he is black. Because a black manager can relate to black players better than a white manager can. No other way to interpret this quote.

Randolph's performance proves he was completely wrong and it's very obvious that a lot of his players -- "even white players" --have tuned him out.

I wouldn't go as far to say it's racist to call out Grady Little and Jimy Williams like that. I'd just say it's ignorant and misguided.

I suppose it's fair to some degree to use Willie Randolph, Mets Manager, as a prism through which to view this country's race issues. O'Connor is certainly correct when he says that race affects everything and, if it affects everything, then it must affect how Randolph is perceived.

But, in total, I'd say Randolph is using his chains as a whip. Art Howe would have definitely been fired by now.

You wanted headlines, you got 'em.

"On a day at Shea that was like some sideshow Yankee day, with a media crowd big enough to fill a couple of sections behind home plate, the owners of the Mets did not fire Randolph."

Yeah, that hack media crowd coming out of the woodwork to finally cover the Mets.

When is the last time you think any of these clowns took the 7 train? What a bunch of gossipy vultures.

Am I right?

Say, Lupica, when is the last time you made it out to Flushing to watch an actual baseball game?

I mean, before today's, you know, "sideshow"?


"Randolph does have that support. For now. Just not forever."

Thanks for the insight.

That was almost as good as the advice where you said the manager should win more games.

That was the actual headline: "Win some games, Willie Randolph."

I have to say that I think the grizzled New York sportswriter just might be onto something there.

Maybe you should mention that to Willie and Omar at the press conference. You know, since you lugged all the way to Shea, and you might as well say something.

Phrase it like a question, though. Something like, "Do you think that the questions about your job security and overall performance as manager will change if your team starts winning a lot of games?"

Then, Randolph can answer, "Yes. Winning games is the key."


"The Mets have had a tremendous opportunity over the past year-and-a-half to be the best and most glamorous team in New York again, the way they were 20 years ago when they weren't just the best team in town but made the most headlines, too."

"Look at me! I'm Brian Schneider, baby, and I'm glamorous! My cleats were designed by Vera Wang."

This would have been an imaginary victory in an imaginary battle in an imaginary place called Lupica Land.

It's Strat-O-Matic.

"As a lifelong Mets fan I'm finding myself more irritated this year. This offense should not be shut out by a Minor League pitcher and a last-place Nationals team at home. Why is there no "fire" on this team? From the managers to the players, they all seem complacent. I've always given Willie Randolph the benefit of the doubt, but if he's not going to try to fire up the players and drill in the need for fundamentals, then he needs to be replaced. Thoughts?
-- Dave V., Queensbury, N.Y.

Managers are in place to manage, not motivate."

Every Yankee fan disagrees with you.

I'm not into the All Star Game or even the hype surrounding the closing of Yankee Stadium. Heck, I'm not even into the constant reminders of Babe, Gehrig, Mickey, and Joe D. Babe Ruth will be invoked 1 million times during the All Star Game. In case you didn't know, Yankee Stadium is also referred to as the "House That Ruth Built." Oh, and if you didn't know that, I should also remind you that if you walk outside when it's raining, you might get wet:

"But now [the Yankees] act as if David Ortiz making some promotional swing at the All-Star Game - where four tickets can cost you more than a new car - will somehow be like spray-painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with graffiti.

This isn't as silly as putting construction workers on overtime to dig up an Ortiz jersey.

Close enough.

It is amazing how often the Yankees who spend big, and will soon charge the biggest ticket prices in the world on the other side of 161st St., think as small as they do.

Isn't it?"

No, Mike Lupica, it isn't.

Even though I am personally disinterested, I understand that the entire All Star Game will be symbolic pomp. Some fans enjoy that type of thing. Drag Ted Williams out to the pitcher's mound and have a good cry.

When Babe Ruth's called shot is emulated -- paying tribute to Yankee Stadium's 85 years and the man most responsible for it -- David Ortiz should be in the dugout.

Wait until you hear how loudly Ortiz is booed by Yankee fans, and deservedly so. I'd rather have Andy Cannizaro representing Yankees history.

I can only hope Goose Gossage is on the mound and Gossage shows Ortiz some chin music. "I'll add another gap to your smile, you fat piece of garbage."


"Seriously: When did somebody like Randy Levine become the keeper of the flame for the Yankees?"

When did somebody like Mike Lupica become the keeper of the flame for the Yankees?

Mid-May Week in Review in the sports section for a New York newspaper and Lupica doesn't even mention the return of Alex Rodriguez (three balls hit over the wall in the first two games) which sparked a four-game winning streak.

Instead, Lupica mentions his man-crushes, "Big Papi" and even Billy Wagner.

I'm just surprised Lupica went a whole week without mentioning Gorgeous Jonathan Papelbon and Dreamy Theo Epstein.


"And, oh by the way, who's going to be the Bridge to Mariano - I love it when the announcers say that, as if it's the greatest lyrics about a bridge since Simon and Garfunkel - once the kid is in the rotation?"

Simon and Garfunkel?

I see your connection with the current music scene is as strong as your connection with Yankee fans.

But the answer to your question, in case you were wondering, is Kyle Farnsworth and the currently-injured Brian Bruney.

You'd probably know that if you followed the Yankees instead of the Red Sox.

PS - Edwar Ramirez has an ERA of 0.00.

Are we talking about Joba Chamberlain or Neville Chamberlain?

"Prior to World War I, the Germans invested billions in a state of the art navy to compete with Britain's magnificent fleet. In the course of the war, they took it out once, fought the inconclusive battle of Jutland, and put it back into storage — the boats were too pretty and too expensive for them to risk losing them. Assuming they won, they might need them for, um, something. And so the ships sat, and the Germans lost the war, and their navy was scuttled so as not to fall into British hands. A gun that you don't fire isn't a gun, it's a paperweight.

Chamberlain risks becoming a paperweight this season. He has the capability to start and perform at a high level, or we assume he does based on available evidence. That assumption needs to be tested, because if indeed his is capable, then having him sit around waiting for leads and pitching 70 innings this year is a tremendous misapplication of resources."

Our team, our time.

"Teixeira scored from second on Johnson's infield hit to second. Castillo threw toward the plate from his knees, but the throw to Schneider was about 10 feet up the first-base line.

Schneider, apparently unaware Teixeira kept running from third, made no attempt to rush back to the plate for a possible play."

Felz has a theory.

No, seriously, I do. I have a theory about baseball.

My theory is that the umpires have always been this bad but we just didn't know because we didn't have omnipresent replay technology.

Instant replay, I think, would be an easy partial solution. But the bigger problem, on a daily basis, is the mysterious, shifting strike zone. It's widely accepted that different umpires have different strike zones; that a borderline 3-0 pitch is a strike; that a rookie won't get the same call that a veteran will get; that the umpires widen the strike zone to manage a slow-moving game; that the strike zone shrinks if the pitcher has a bad attitude.

Why does MLB culture accept this nonsense?

She knows from being not paid attention to.

I don't even know what Hank said this time. I didn't read it carefully. I think he's unhappy with Cashman and patient with Girardi. That kind of makes sense to me.

"What about Hank Steinbrenner? Well what about him? He has a lot to say. Yet how much impact do his words have on Girardi, the players, or anyone else in the Yankee organization?

That's the question Joe Benigno and Evan Roberts asked Suzyn (Georgie Girl) Waldman on WFAN before Sunday night's Mets-Yankees game.

'No. I don't think anybody pays attention (to Hank Steinbrenner),' Waldman said. '... Every time Hank goes out and says something, 10 minutes later he's saying, "Well, that's not exactly what I meant to say." ' "

Saturday, Waldman was explaining how the Mets had made a big mistake saving Santana for the Yankees series because, due to Friday night's rainout, Santana was given two extra days' rest.

Ten minutes later, I was trying to forget what she said.


Earlier this season, Waldman spent a lot of time explaining how Jose Molina was practically the second coming of Johnny Bench.

Ten minutes later, I was trying to forget what she said.


I believe my least favorite Waldmanism is her insistence that a batter will get "one good pitch to hit" in every at-bat. She seems to believe that every batter will get one good pitch in every at-bat and, also, that every at-bat will consist of exactly one good pitch. Therefore, every time a batter fouls off a hanging curve, Waldman will claim that the batter fouled off the "one good pitch" he will see during this at-bat.

I don't believe Waldman is joking or being intentionally apocryphal.

I think she is being literal.

I think she literally believes every at-bat consists of one good pitch to hit.

Ten minutes later, I try to forget what she said.

But I can not.

These things are burned into my brain.

To get all your sports scores in-stant-ly / Dial 976-13-13

"It is no surprise when you dial 242-211-5560 it is not a working number. Those digits represent the Yankees New York Yankees' run totals in the past 10 games, starting with the deuce scored in Sunday's embarrassing 11-2 Subway Series loss to the Mets.

Unless I'm misunderstanding, you wrote down the number of runs the Yankees scored in each of their last ten games and then you dialed that number on the telephone.

Is 242 even an area code?

Maybe that's why it's not a working number.


"Please save all that manure about how they rebounded from a sluggish start in 2007 to make the playoffs.

Last year has nothing to do with this season. A little past the quarter pole the 20-24 Yankees are in trouble."

Fair enough.

You know what has even less to do with this season?

1) Drinking a case of Hamm's.
2) Writing down the number of runs the Yankees scored in each of their last ten games.
3) Dialing that phone number.
4) Publishing the results in a newspaper.

He's so fat, he went dancing and he made the band skip.

Thanks to T.J. Simers, "professional" sportswriting in L.A. devolves into Yo Momma jokes:

"If only Andruw Jones has what it takes to get to second base on this hot afternoon, then taking a lead, turning full body toward home plate and blocking out the sun.

The Tubbo is the only guy in uniform right now who could provide shade for a whole ballpark -- at least making himself useful.

...

I stopped by the Dodgers clubhouse after their win over the Angels to see if Jones cared, but he was already in the lunch room eating. No telling how long he could be in there.

...

By now, I hoped, Jones had finished eating, so I went to the Dodgers clubhouse. First thing I noticed, the Dodgers had a box of doughnuts, now half gone, just around the wall from Jones' locker."

He's so fat, he once broke his ankle and gravy came out.

He's so fat, when he sits around the house, he sits around the house.

He's so fat, his nickname is "Damn!"

He's so fat, he eats Wheat Thicks.

Secret papers show Yankees make a lot of money.

"The millions of dollars earned by the Bronx Bombers - whose estimated $1.2 billion worth makes them one of the most valuable franchises in the world - have reached record levels."

No way!

Despite my knowledge of basic economics (inflation, supply & demand) and my knowledge of Yankee attendance figures (4 million+ every year), I must admit I am shocked that the Yankees are making record levels of income.

Of course, I didn't have access to secret papers.

"Documents obtained by the Daily News under a Freedom of Information request provide a rare look at the Yankees formidable cash-generating operation.

Even die-hard fans accustomed to paying top dollar to watch the superstar team will be astounded by the numbers."

Oh, a FOIL request. That means they're not really secret.

Go ahead, "secret" papers: Astound me.


"Last year, the team - which hasn't won a World Series in eight years - grossed a record $188 million in gate receipts, a 20.5% increase over the 2006 season."

Not astounded yet.


"Factoring in other revenue streams like overpriced hot dogs, beer, pizzas and souvenirs - and income from the cable TV rights to home games - Stadium income surpassed $319 million in 2007."

$319M? I'm actually underwhelmed.


"That should come as no surprise with prices like these:

- $9.50 for Budweiser on tap.

- $10.50 for Foster's beer on tap.

- $5.75 for a box of Cracker Jacks.

- $8 for Italian sausage.

- $5 for a Nathan's hot dog."

Make up your mind, pal.

You just said these figures "should come as no surprise" right after you promised some "astounding" figures from "secret" documents.


"Since the Yanks have a player payroll of $208 million - the highest in the league - they need to be one of the top-earning teams."

Let's say the Yankees had a payroll of $108 million. Or $58 million. They'd still want to make as much revenue as possible.


"And 2008 is guaranteed to be another record no matter where the team finishes in the standings because fans are desperate to see games in the final year of the House that Ruth Built."

Exactly!

Regardless of what? The $208 million payroll. Right?

See, the Yankees have successfully marketed a product -- an event -- that keeps demand very high. This is what drives the high ticket prices. So, it's not really the team payroll or the team record.

Of course, demand will fall over time if the record slips consistently and the record is somewhat linked to payroll.

You get the idea. The correlation between payroll and ticket price is not direct by any means. If it was, then why wouldn't the Yankees just charge $10,000 per ticket and spend $900M on payroll?

"As recently as 2004, the Yankees reported total gate receipts of only $122 million - half of what they are projecting for next year.

The last time the team won the World Series, in 2000, gate income was a mere $83.7 million."

Since you're interested in comparing income to payroll, I should point out that, in 2008, $83.7M is enough to pay for a backup catcher and a #4 starter.

Loves Billy Wagner.

Loves Billy Wagner, loves Jonathan Papelbon, loved Tony Womack, loved Mike Cameron so much that he said Cameron was a better fielding CFer than Prime Griffey Jr.

ARod? Eh, probably not so much.

If this wasn't enough B-Wags praise for one day ...

"People can bounce Billy Wagner all over town for some of the things he's said in the past and some of the things he said this week.

But there is a little bit of Yogi in Wagner, in this way:

No matter how it comes out, you always know exactly what he means.

And even though he backed up on Friday for some of the things he said on Thursday after the Mets lost to the Nationals, taking one for the team in the process, we knew exactly what he meant there.

The bottom line here is that the Mets need more guys like Wagner, not fewer."

... here's an entire article praising Wagner's four outs in Saturday's game.


Also, I am forced to conclude that Lupica just doesn't like Johan Santana, for unknown and unexplained reasons, and, therefore, Santana will not received "special media treatment":

"Johan Santana may turn out to be a total pitching star for the Mets the way he was for the Twins.

May turn out to be the great difference maker here, in terms of a World Series, that the Mets want him to be.

But before he is given any special media treatment, he needs to understand something a lot of other guys have had to understand before him:

With the kind of money he is making, with this kind of stage, comes responsibilities."

Okay, when you read this, does it seem like a secret, coded message for Johan Santana?

I have zero idea what Lupica is talking about.

I guess Lupica wants Santana to be more verbose during postgame interviews. (More like Wagner?)

That's the dilly, yo. You say outrageous stuff and I will praise you in my newspaper article. if you don't say outrageous stuff, I will not praise you in my newspaper article.

Got it?

Good.

Now, does it matter what happened on the field? I don't remember anymore.

This is about the most important thing of all: The postgame interview and the articles I write about the postgame interview.

I'm Mike Lupica, damn it. I can turn this whole city against you if I want to.

So, watch yourself, Johan Santana. You don't want Shootin' From the Lip's 50-year-old sporstwriter all up in your grill. I'll get all Metaphorical on your ass with some Gangsta double entendres and whatnot.

Can't you even fathom my skills? "Shootin' From the Lip" is a pun for "Shootin' From the Hip," beeyotch.

Monument Park awaits #25.

Felz way ahead of the curve on this one.

Hey! I thought Randolph should be fired way before it became so fashionable.

This is just a sampling of Johnny Come Latelies joining the Felz chorus.

Meanwhile, Girardi is wondering what it takes to get noticed around here. "Hey, everybody! We're in last place and two games under .500. Fire me! Fire me!"

I like Bart Hubbuch.

I don't know who he is and I don't remember reading his sports commentary before this one. But I already like his style. In a world of flash and over-reaction it's nice to see someone who keeps a game in proper perspective:

"There are losses, then there are soul-crushing nightmares that send teams spiraling and get the manager fired."

Especially Willie, Mickey, and the Duke.

You think Yankee Cleanup Hitter, you think of the greatest sluggers of all time.

I think Lou Gehrig is spinning in his grave as a .194 hitter bats cleanup for the Yankees.

In fact, I think Jack Clark is spinning in his grave. Except Jack Clark is still alive.

Hooray for Joba.

The Yankees are leading Cleveland 6-3 in the 8th inning in a game in May.

"This is not an important game. This is not an important out. This is nothing to get excited about."

Every Yankee fan I know loves Joba. I find it inconceivable and disgusting that any pro athlete or commentator would act like a game in May doesn't matter. Which is, essentially, what Dellucci said:

" 'It is what it is. If he wants to yell and scream after a strikeout, I guess that's what gets him going,' Dellucci said. 'It's May baseball. The home run was in a much bigger situation. I didn't dance and scream.' "

A much bigger situation, I suppose, but still an unimportant game in May. Yawn.


You know, Chamberlain did the same thing last year, while Torre was managing the Yankees. Klapisch conveniently forgets the on-field antics of Joba Chamberlain, Alfonso Soriano, and Jeff Weaver, among others:

"Sooner or later, though, Girardi will have to leave a more forceful imprint on his clubhouse, especially if he wants to last in New York. It's one thing to make the players run sprints in spring training; a truer test of a manager's authority is how his players behave on the field.

Torre's Yankees certainly got it. Joe Cool might've appeared passive, but the Yankees knew better than to cross him. All it took was one look, and he could cut even a veteran in two."

Let me go to youtube and search for "Paul O'Neill" and "water cooler." Classy is the word that comes to mind.

Best fans in the world.

"A few things: Those people who booed the kid at the Stadium should be ashamed of themselves."

First I've heard about it. It's truly amazing how spoiled some Yankee fans are.

What a condescending prick.

It's beyond belief that the lapdog writers still think this guy is classy. Torre can barely conceal his contempt when discussing Joe Girardi:

"He’s going to get better. And when I say that, it doesn’t mean he’s not a good manager now."

Girardi has won Manager of the Year in 100% of the years he has been a manager.


"He’s very intelligent. He’s got a feel for the game."

I'll give you $20 right now if you can spell "intelligent."


"New York is unlike any other experience you’re ever going to have. There’s no question. There’s a certain adjustment to that. But as far as I’m concerned, Joe Girardi is a good choice for Brian Cashman. In saying that, Don Mattingly obviously was one of my coaches. I felt badly that he didn’t get the chance over there, but you certainly had to understand why Girardi got it."

It's obvious that you root against the Yankees every single day. Personally, I understand the sentiment. The dark shadow of schadenfreude. It's the same reason I root against the Dodgers every day.


Actually, what I'm really rooting for is a Dodgers/Yankees World Series. While Girardi is checking the lefty/righty splits, Torre is regaling the press with stories about Roy Campanella.

Torre brings in Proctor with runners at second and third, tie game, 8th inning. Torre instructs Proctor to intentionally walk Abreu to set up a double play. Proctor throws a patented belt-high 95-mph fastball to ARod.

Are you there, God? It's me, Felz. Can you make this happen if I pray and pray and pray?

Can Melky help get Cano back to his .290-hitting self? Since they're so close? OMG!

"Robinson Cano had a white-hot spring and now he's found a horrible slump. How do you think he'll get over it? Since he and Cabrera are so close, can Melky get him back to his .290-hitting self? I'm worried because I want him to make the All-Star Game this year, but right now that idea seems really far off.
-- Melissa P., Matawan, N.J."

Yes, Melissa.

The idea of a player who's hitting .150 making the All-Star game seems really far off.

That's, like, totally perceptive and stuff.

You mean like Jon Lieber.

I overheard Lupica on the TV today saying that the Yankees need Johan Santana because, naturally, the Yankees need an answer to Josh Beckett. The Yankees need a power pitcher who can blow people away in the playoffs.

1. Santana is 1-3, 3.97 in the playoffs.
   
2. Santana has zero rings.
   
3. The Twins would have demanded more from the Yankees than they demanded from the Mets. The reasons are obvious. The Yankees are in the American League and the Twins are quite likely to face the Yankees in the playoffs. If they needed to trade Santana before he became a free agent, they are much more likely to trade him to the National League. Which is what they did.

The Yankees are 2-10 in games started by Hughes and Kennedy.

The Yankees don't need a $20 million Cy Young Award winner.

They'd be in first place if Hughes and Kennedy were replaced with mediocrity.

Supply and demand.

It's difficult to muster too much sympathy for the wealthy, corporate season-ticket holders who are forced to give their seats to wealthier, corporate season-ticket holders:

"You wonder why Yankee fans don't care what Johan Santana or anybody else on the field costs?"

Is it because Johan Santana plays for the Mets?

Lots of players, lots of ribs.

Ian Kennedy's got ribs. Jason Giambi's got ribs. Heck, Robinson Cano's got more ribs than hits.

Why isn't anybody breaking their ribs, too?

Cashman, I'll do it for you. Because I like your face, I'll give you a discount rate: $500 per rib.

There's a lot of that going around.

Another pro athlete contracts ISuckItis.

Forget about Johan Santana. Why did the Yankees get rid of Randy Johnson? Esteban Loaiza? Ted Freakin' Lilly?

I must be a crazy stat junkie.

Call me crazy, but I'd bat the .321 hitter ahead of the .177 hitter.

Pretty close to a masterpiece.

If the bullpen can hold a (currently one-run) lead for two innings (knock on wood), Wang will be 5-0 with an ERA of 3.23,

He's not considered a true ace because he had a bad game against the Red Sox.

You know, the Red Sox. The only Yankee opponent that most people pay attention to. Well, not just the Red Sox. The Mets, too.

The playoffs, too. That's fair. Beckett obviously has a big edge in the playoffs at this point in their respective careers.

Maybe Wang is not considered a true ace because he doesn't typically strike out enough batters.

I'm not sure what the reasoning is. Whatever the reasoning is, it's flawed reasoning.

David Wright won a Gold Glove last year.

It was a ridiculous choice, this is true.

But there are only two baseball teams in New York. If you're going to obsess about the fielding abilities of a third baseman who plays in New York, you picked the wrong one, pal:

"Sometimes I get the idea that Tannenbaum and Mangini think they're as set with Kellen Clemens at quarterback as the Yankees are with A-Rod at third base.

And wonder what they're seeing in the guy that the rest of us don't."

When "the rest of us" watch ARod play third base, we think he's going to move to centerfield or first base. Because that's how bad he is at third base.

We're also pretty sure that Tony Womack is going to be a New York fan favorite any day now.

We're also pretty sure that Mike Cameron is a better fielder than Ken Griffey Jr.

"Here's a fun fact of the baseball season:

Even though he still isn't close to getting his batting average over the Mendoza Line of .200, David Ortiz has more RBI so far than A-Rod."

ARod can't field and he can't hit.

Got it.


My fun cherry-picky fact of the baseball season is that Andy Sonnanstine has more wins so far than Josh Beckett.


"There have to be nights at Dodger Stadium when Joe Torre misses A-Rod and Jeter the way kids at camp miss their puppies."

Joe Torre misses a third baseman who can't field and can't hit.

Think about it ...

Mussina pitches a decent game after being publicly pseudo-criticized by Hank Steinbrenner. The back page of the Daily News reads, "Take That, Hank."

As if Hank Steinbrenner was wounded by Mussina winning a baseball game for the Yankees.

As if Hank Steinbrenner is rooting against Mussina.

Hank is probably happier than anybody. He probably thinks he helped.

I almost cried tears of joy.

Joe Girardi uses Mariano Rivera in the 8th inning of a regular season game:

"The bullpen made things interesting in the eighth, as the tying run came to the plate after ineffective outings by LaTroy Hawkins and Billy Traber, but Mariano Rivera cleaned up the mess, recording the final five outs to save Mussina's victory.

'The game was on the line,' manager Joe Girardi said after Rivera was used for five outs for the first time since last July. 'To me, that's where we had to shut the door and close the game.' "

Seems too sensible to me. Mariano Rivera and Kyle Farnsworth may get too confused about their "roles." Then, they'll feel uncomfortable. Then, they won't be able to relax.

It reminds me of a player named Johnny Truck. I don't know his real name, but we always called him "Johnny Truck," or "Johnny the Truck."

Now, Johnny never made it to the big leagues -- he went into construction, I think --but, on the playground, Johnny would never relax. My brother Frank and I used to always say, "Johnny, you've got to relax."

That is how I learned that the most important thing is to relax.

That is why Farnsy had to pitch the 8th inning. We are saving Mo for games against the Mets or the Red Sox.

This is unpossible.

"Not a soul has extended a contract offer of any kind to the 43-year-old Bonds, even though last season the man hit more home runs (28) than sluggers like Vladimir Guerrero, Gary Sheffield, Travis Hafner, Aramis Ramirez or Derrek Lee.

...

And nobody seems to have come within a 10-foot pole of Sosa, despite the fact that he is not yet 40 and hit more balls out of the park (21) last season than such noteworthy swingers as Manny Ramirez, Troy Glaus, Miguel Tejada, Bobby Abreu or Jeff Kent."

How can a person who writes for a living not understand the difference between "or" and "and"?

This is basic "Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function?"

I could write "Sosa had more homeruns last year than Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, David Wright, Carlos Pena, or Prince Fielder" and that would be accurate.

I could write "In his short career, Robinson Cano already has more homeruns than Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Hank Aaron, Ralph Kiner, or So Taguchi" and that would be accurate.

Ba dumb dumb.

"Remember when the New York Yankees had one single mission in life, and that mission was to suck every ounce of oxygen, joy and life out of each baseball fan on the planet who wasn't wearing a cap with an interlocking NY?"
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Seriously.

No.


"No, seriously, there was a time, way back when George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre were in charge, when the Yankees were wholly consumed by winning a World Series. They lived and breathed it, never bothering to pay attention to the smaller things that simply were a waste of their time."

"Way back" when George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre were in charge. Who are those guys? It was so long ago, their names have probably been lost to the cruel, unforgiving sands of time.


"Those proud Yankees never would have signed off on $50,000 to jackhammer through the concrete of a new stadium simply to dig out a David Ortiz T-shirt."

That's precisely the kind of nonsense that Steinbrenner loves. Evil Empire, Yogi Berra Day, Mystique & Allure, Monument Park, Curse of the Babe, on and on and on. Put Goose Gossage in a Toyota Pinstripe car and make sure Rizzuto has plenty of cannolis for good luck.

None of it ever helped win a single game, ever.


"Those proud Yankees inspired their fans to aspire to skyscraper heights."

It is definitely true. Jerome from Manhattan won a Nobel Prize and Billy Crystal starred in "Analyze That."


"Back then, this was the organization that retired (and retired, and retired, and retired, and kept retiring) numbers of the only true greats. And its fans, who would settle for nothing less, taunted players on other teams, not one of their own.

Not anymore."

You've never been to Yankee Stadium, have you?

I'd say there has never been a bullpen pitcher in my lifetime who didn't get taunted by the Yankee Stadium crowd.

Mariano Rivera was booed in early '05. Jeter was booed when he slumped in April one year. The fans cheered for Jaret Wright only when he left the mound with an injury.

Guys like Jeff Weaver, Javier Vazquez, Hideki Irabu, Armando Benitez, and Denny Neagle never had a shot.


"Today's Yankees are paranoid that a cotton shirt may wield more power than all of their resources combined, their fans are obsessing over the numbers on the players' backs and the best prospects in their rotation are pitching like they're auditioning for the, gasp, Florida Marlins."

Gasp ... the Florida Marlins? ... gasp!

The Yankees are not really paranoid, you moron. They're just digging up the shirt as a publicity stunt. It worked, evidently, and probably got a lot more than $50k in free advertising.


"No wonder Pope Benedict XVI was presiding over Mass in Yankee Stadium on Sunday while the Yankees were off in Baltimore, attempting to avoid being swept by the Orioles in three games there for the first time since 2005. Sunday, charity began at the Yankees' home."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I was watching this one local newscaster, and she said, "Lots of fans gathered at Yankee Stadium today, but it wasn't to root for ARod or Jeter ... "

That's kooky! The fans are at Yankee Stadium but they're not there to root for ARod or Jeter?

Then came the punchline: It was the Pope the whole time!

No, seriously, go with this angle. Because of the tense juxtaposition between a religious ceremony on a baseball field, the joke can never get old. It just can't.

"Hey, Pope! Why don't you bless Ian Kennedy, because his ERA is over 9.00!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I tip my cap. It's all I can do. You're a pro-fess-io-nal wri-ter. You should send that stuff to the Tonight Show.

Perception = Reality?

The thing is so tacky and embarrassing, that it's difficult to believe that anybody would develop an emotional attachment to it.

But I seriously wonder how many Mets fans think this way:

"The apple represents the fun of the Mets," says Klein, a 26-year-old law student. "They are kind of the upstart kids and the fans really take that attitude to heart. The apple is part of that and it'd be a shame if it's not brought over to the new stadium."

Not just the fans, but the owners, coaches, players, etc.

The Mets have existed for 46 years and currently have the highest payroll in the National League, filled from top to bottom with highly-paid free agents.

But they're upstarts.

Walter Matthau is the coach and Tanner Boyle is the shortsop.

Just one word: "Plastics."

" '[Mussina] just needs to learn how to pitch like [45-year-old Phillies pitcher] Jamie Moyer,' Steinbrenner told the newspaper.

And as for Melky, I like his fielding, but he should learn how to hit like Ted Williams.

Track record.

"With cleanup hitter Jeff Kent taking the day off to rest his legs, Torre moved Andruw Jones from seventh in the batting order into the No. 4 slot, though the manager said the $36-million free agent would likely bat fifth or sixth in the future. Jones, who hit his first home run for the Dodgers the previous day, responded by striking out three times. He was 0 for 4, failing to get Juan Pierre home from third with one out in the eighth inning with the score still 2-1 by grounding out to short."

Now, it's not Torre's fault that the Dodgers signed Andruw Jones. But there is simply no excuse for batting him fourth.

Jones had 26 HRs and a .413 slugging percentage last season.

Jones has 1 HR and a .327 slugging percentage this season.

I already know the reasoning. Something about jump-starting Jones's (What's Torre's nickname for Jones? A.J.? Jonesy? The Druwster?) confidence and protection in the lineup from Ethier. Then, maybe a story about his Gil Hodges.

An email from a reader ...

"1. Got an e-mail the other day from a reader who said 'It sure does not seem like the manager change is doing anything.'

Well, duh."

Very odd email from "a reader" that you got "the other day." Those are some high journalistic standards, by the way. I was annotating my book reports more effectively when I was in first grade.

It's very odd because the differences are obvious In-game attitude and especially postgame attitude. Not that I particularly care about the postgame, but you'd think Graziano would have noticed.


"Could that be because the idea that the manager was the problem was concocted by fans (and some high-ranking team execs) who just got bored with Joe Torre after 12 years? Who just didn't like him anymore?"

Oh, and the players, too. Don't forget the players who got bored with Torre and didn't like him anymore. Torre was also bored with the Yankees, as evidenced by his recent comments.


"A manager change isn't likely to have any effect if the starting pitching is lousy, and right now the Yankees' starting pitching would have to come up about nine levels just to get to lousy."

Of course.

I think Girardi handled the bullpen quite well considering Joba's absence and a bunch of pitchers who can't get out of fourth inning.

Noticeable difference, right?

No seeming danger of the next Karsay, Sturtze, Proctor.


"The Yankees ranked eighth in the league in starters' ERA in 2007, sixth in 2006, eighth in 2005 and sixth in 2004. Only four teams make it to the American League playoffs every year.

So the guy the Yankees got rid of was somebody with a proven track record of managing a team to the playoffs in spite of a lack of playoff-quality starting pitching."

Wow.

This is one of the weirdest analyses I've read in a while.

Torre made the playoffs last year because the team scored almost 1,000 runs. During those seasons, the Yankees bottomed out at 886 runs scored.

As for "track records," he also had developed a track record of losing in the first round of the playoffs.


"The guy the Yankees got rid of had a proven track record of staying calm and cool through a tough start and making sure the team got to the playoffs."

The last-place 2008 Dodgers are learning quickly about his track records of tough starts.

I am sure the players, coaches, and fans in La La Land will have no problem staying calm and cool. They're hitting the beach by the end of the sixth inning, anyway.


"2. Girardi and the Yankees are insisting that the pitch Kyle Farnsworth threw behind Manny Ramirez's head 'just slipped' and was not intentionally thrown at the hitter who'd whacked two home runs in that same game. Baloney."

In Sunday Thought #1, you claim that things are not different with the new manager. Well, not you, but "a reader" who sent an email "the other day."

In Sunday Thought #2, you bring up Farnsworth's buzzing of Ramirez, which is something Torre would not have allowed.

So, there you go, dear reader: If you want an example of how things have changed, just read Sunday Thought #2!


As for the lie that the ball slipped, that's what every pitcher and manager say every time this happens. They are lying because they don't want to get suspended.

It's the same thing the Red Sox said on Friday night when they drilled ARod in the back.

This is why Red Sox fans shouldn't write for New York newspapers.

You know something is off when a New York sportswriter fetishizes the length of Manny's Yankee Stadium HRs, but doesn't even mention ARod's blast that almost reached the left-field bleachers.

If a Yankee pitcher is going to get suspended for three games, I'd at least like to see Manny's batting helmet split in two:

"Derek Jeter said Kyle Farnsworth buzzing Manny the other night didn't count, because Manny didn't get hit.

And I just want to see how amusing the Yankees think it is the next time somebody throws 100 behind the captain's ear."

The Yankees do not find it amusing when somebody throws behind Jeter's ear. This is because they are Yankees. That is how it works.

Believe it or not, the Yankees are not friends with the Red Sox, even though Joe Torre seemed to think so:

"Over that same six-year span, including postseason, Jeter has been plunked 12 times by Red Sox pitchers and A-Rod 10 times. By contrast, Yankee pitchers have hit Manny only three times (not including Farnsworth's near-miss Thursday night) and 'Big Papi'? Never. Interestingly, for all his considerable bulk, Ortiz has managed to enjoy a relatively pain-free existence while causing so much pain to opposing pitchers. Ortiz has only been struck by pitches just 23 times in 1,208 at-bats from 1997 through last year.

It'll be interesting to see if Farnsworth's buzzing of Manny was a signal that this trend is about to turn under Joe Girardi. Because, for whatever reason, Joe Torre seemed reluctant to order his pitchers to deliver 'message' pitches, with only Roger Clemens being more than willing to take on the role of enforcer and intimidator in recent years."

1) "For whatever reason" is that Torre is more concerned with his personal reputation as a nice guy than with helping his team win.

2) Clemens was not an enforcer or intimidator when he played for the Yankees. Two high-profile instances (Piazza and Manny in the ALCS), but that's it.

Brian Burres is the ace the Yankees wish they had.

He's the difference right now between the Orioles and the Yankees.

Heck, right now the Yankees could use Hideki Irabu.

The best pitcher with an ERA over 5.00.

"Wang vs. Beckett, right now. Who do you like?"

Last week, Wang threw a two-hit shutout at Fenway Park.

I don't think the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees is the perceived gap between Beckett (2-1, 5.12) and Wang (3-0, 3.81).

Yes, durability is good.

It's actually quite entertaining to read about Pavano relaxing and watching the Yankee games on TV:

"Pavano's agent Tom O'Connell -- the fourth agent the right-hander has gone through in his career -- believes that Pavano would still be a desired commodity on the free-agent market this winter, even with his injury history.

'Carl's a 1-2 starter,' O'Connell said. 'Those guys don't grow on trees. Those guys are very rare, 200-inning guys are very rare in this game, and they're the ones that make the money. And he did it two years in a row, before he got hurt, and I'm sure he's going to do it again.' "

Over the course of the '07-'08 seasons, Pavano will pitch 11 1/3 more innings I will.

Eric Wedge is a madman.

7th inning, Cleveland winning by two runs:

- S. Casey walked
- J. Lugo grounded into fielder's choice, S. Casey out at second
- C. Crisp reached on bunt single to catcher, J. Lugo to second, J. Lugo to third on catcher V. Martinez's throwing error
- D. Pedroia singled to second, J. Lugo scored, C. Crisp to second
- R. Betancourt relieved J. Westbrook
- D. Ortiz struck out swinging
- M. Ramirez struck out looking
- End of Inning (1 Run, 2 Hits, 1 Error)

Why would you pitch to Manny Ramirez with the game on the line?

I'd have probably intentionally walked both Ortiz and Ramirez.

Sure, one run would have automatically scored, but at least the Indians fans cloud have slept easier knowing Manny Ramirez didn't get the big hit to beat their team.

Paul O'Neill hits his first World Series homerun.

Curse.

I can't be the only person who noticed that Ortiz is hitting, well, kind of poorly since his tee shirt was buried under Yankee Stadium.

I say keep the shirt there.

Just be sure to add Manny's shirt and freakin' Alex Rios's shirt, too, while you're at it.

Funny, I thought it was "Don't Let Big Papi Beat You."

Since Big Papi is the King Clutch Yankee Killer of all time.

Since Big Papi struck out, pitching to Big Papi was a good strategy.

Since Manny Ramirez got a hit, pitching to Manny Ramirez was a bad strategy

Baseball managing is so totally easy!:

"The problem, however, is that trying to walk the fine line with Ramirez opens the possibility for what occurred. If Youkilis beats the Yanks in that spot, so be it. You sleep if Youkilis beats you. But when it is Ramirez - when you break Commandment No. 1 of Yankees-Red Sox - sleep should be harder as that Ramirez highlight reel gets even longer."

The very next batter was Youkilis, who delivered a two-out RBI single for Boston's fourth run.

Boston won the game 4-3.

Sleep well, Yankee fans: Youkilis beat you.

Youkilis was the next batter and Youkilis singled to center.

Just throwing that fact out there.

So, if the strategy was to walk Manny and then let Bruney pitch to Youkilis ... well ... I don't know why anybody would think that would have worked.

It was only the sixth inning. Eighth inning with Mariano warming up, you probably play it differently. Ninth inning, it's an easy call. Though, even then, you open up the possibility of a cheap-o run with a walk or a hbp.

Also, what does Youkilis bat with the bases loaded? About .500? (I looked it up. It's .333. Like most big-league ballplayers, his batting average goes up when the bases are loaded.)

So, you're going to intentionally load the bases in the sixth inning?

No.

The strategy is to get Manny Ramirez out.

Manny Ramirez doesn't bat 1.000.

Because Bruney has an ERA of 0.00.

I think Giradi thought that Mussina had a better chance of getting Ramirez out than Bruney did. That's it.

After the game, that is what Girardi said.

I am completely satisfied that Girardi's decision-making critieria was simply picking the available pitcher who had the best chance of getting the out.

Girardi did not base this decision on ...

• A hunch.
• Mussina's seniority.
• A game that Bob Gibson pitched forty years ago.

Now, would you have brought in Joba in the sixth inning? It's worthy of debate, though Madden doesn't bring it up.

Would you have inentionally walked Ramirez in that spot? I sure wouldn't have. According to Madden, intentionally walking a guy in the sixth inning is an "obvious move." Your team is winning by a run and there are two outs in the inning, so it's an "obvious move" to give them a free baserunner.

Look, the strategy is hit on 15, okay? The strategy isn't more "right" when the next card is a 6.

TWIB Notes.

Just overheard on "This Week in Baseball" as they profile the Phillies: "Brett Myers forms a formidable 1-2 punch with Cole Hamels."

Deep down, I probably do miss Torre.

Because it's kind of fun to be infuriated.

Though it was nice to have a manager who didn't refer to David Ortiz as "Big Papi."


Does anybody else have a hunch that Joe Torre has never even met Bob Gibson?

I have heard so many Bob Gibson stories, it is starting to sound like a guy who's a virgin and explains his imaginary sexual exploits in unsolicited excruciating detail:

“You really can’t concern yourself with who you’re pitching against,” Torre said. “I remember Bob Gibson and Tom Seaver going against each other when Seaver was a young pitcher, and early in his career he wasn’t as (successful) as he was later because he was pitching against Gibson—and Gibson was pitching against the Mets.”

So, what you're saying is that early in Seaver's career, Seaver wasn't as successful as he was later in his career.

Because it was early in Seaver's career.

Also, because Seaver was pitching against Gibson ... and Gibson was pitching against the Mets ... naturally, since the Mets are the team for which Seaver played early in his career.

I am not sure I follow, and I definitely don't see the parallel between Gibson-v.-Seaver and Penny-v.-Peavy, but I'd like ask you about the NL MVP in 1971. Got any good anecdotes about the 1971 NL MVP?

The scrutiny comes with the salary ...

... I understand the phenomenon.

Yet, in the interest of fairness and accuracy, I wonder if Mike Lupica, while whimsically "shootin' from the lip," will point out that Alex Rodriguez had almost as many hits last night as "Big Papi" has the entire season.

"When most hitters try to stay above the Mendoza Line, they're referring to Mario Mendoza. Forget Mario: Big Papi could take some hitting lessons from Ramiro Mendoza!

Most ballplayers are slumping if their batting average is less than their weight. Big Papi isn't even hitting the weight of one of his own bowel movements!

Speaking of dumps, the next time I read a heartfelt eulogy to Shea Stadium will be one too many.

Somebody in my family had a birthday recently.

Whatever changes were made between the second and third seasons of 'Lost,' I have a suggestion for the writers: It's about time you 'found' it again.

I can not tell the difference between Rilo Kiley and Miley Cyrus. Talk about a Teenage Wasteland: I'll just stick with Baba O'Riley!

Also, buy my book."

Dammit is not even a word.

It should be "damn it," Professor Graziano:

"What the Yankees did last night with Ian Kennedy was insane and foolish, a clear case of overthinking the situation and outsmarting themselves. They may not have lost the game because of the move, but they deserved to."

It was neither insane nor foolish.

Since "words have meaning" and "the entire language is at risk of unraveling" if they don't maintain their meanings, I'd like to point out that "insane" means no grip on reality.

"Insane" is not telling Ian Kennedy to start pitching at the beginning of the sixth inning.

"Insane" is telling Ian Kennedy you'd like to order the veal scallops and complaining that your seat is too close to the air conditioning.


"There are two major problems with this quote, and they are as follows:

1. 'I didn't get fooled'

Yeah, Joe. You did. You thought the weather would do something, made your plan accordingly, and then it didn't do the thing you thought it was going to do. You got fooled, and your plan backfired."

The plan didn't backfire because it was just the Play It Safe plan.

Besides, the weather is just the weather. One can not be "fooled" by it.


"You ended up using your starting pitcher for the last three innings of a game, which makes no sense at all and can't possibly have done Kennedy or the team any good in the short or long run."

It didn't hurt.

The AL East standings described in econo spiel.

Hey, man ... I think your friend is passed out in the ba'froom.

Stupid question.

As LaTroy Hawkins is getting booed again at Yankee Stadium, I decided to search for Paul O'Neill at news.google.com. I wanted to see if anyone online had documented O'Neill's reaction this absurd lingering issue. I think O'Neill was surprisingly ungracious about it, but I may be wrong.

What's the particular gripe with Hawkins, anyway?:

"Surely you've heard the Yankee Stadium fans aren't taking too kindly to someone wearing Paul O'Neill's number. If they had to give away O'Neill's No. 21, shouldn't they have given it to a player other than LaTroy Hawkins? -- David C., Cresskill, N.J."

"They" didn't "give away" O'Neill's number.

I'm not even sure who "they" refers to. You know who he means: The Yankee-Uniform-Number-Giver-Outers.


Brian Hoch answers quite appropriately:

"Booing Hawkins before he even threw one pitch for the club seemed ridiculous to me, though he had a bad outing against Tampa Bay not long after that.

Hawkins said he wasn't even aware O'Neill wore No. 21 in New York, which won't endear him to Yankees fans, but he had a better reason for wearing the number -- as a tribute to Roberto Clemente. Jorge Posada would understand; Posada displays a pin in his locker that urges Major League Baseball to universally retire No. 21 in Clemente's honor."

Okay, I'm a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins for nine seasons. Five more seasons as a major league journeyman.

During this time, I faced thousands of major league batters, one of whom was Paul O'Neill. I probably faced O'Neill dozens of times. But I did not memorize his uniform number.

So, seven years after O'Neill retires, I join his former team, and Yankee fans expect me to just know what his uniform number was?

Same guy will say regular season doesn't count whenever the Yankees make the playoffs.

The Yankees lost a game to the Devil Rays and the season is only five games old. Today, Jeter will hit two homeruns and the season will be saved:

"The afternoon had that unmistakable ambience of so many others during the Yankee golden era – a flawless sky, happy home crowd, a young and inexperienced Rays team ready to be devoured by baseball's version of Microsoft."

The Yankees' goldenest era was 1947 - 1962. The Rays did not exist and neither did Microsoft.


"Andy Pettitte walking to the mound was the perfect finishing touch, too: Who better represents prosperity in the Bronx than this latter-day Whitey Ford?"

Whitey Ford never cheated, lied, or bailed on the Yankees to play for the Astros.


"Regardless of the origin of the crisis, Pettitte is all but naked without his two best pitches. Subtract the cutter and curveball from the menu, and all he's got left are the two-seam fastball (which he couldn't throw over the outside corner to right-handed hitters) and a four-seam fastball that once upon a time topped 90 mph, but no more.

...

There were no answers; only questions that, for one afternoon, managed to puncture the Yankees to the core."

Seriously?

This is a crisis which punctured the Yankees to the core?

If they'd won, they'd be 3-2. Instead, they are 2-3. The magic number for the Rays is down to 156.

It's the fifth game of the season, you knuckleheads.

This is what I just learned from three sports commentators on "The Press Box": Today's game if a must-win for the Mets and the reason they acquired Johan Santana. Panic will set in if the Mets don't win this game.

The uniform number is not the problem here.

"It didn't help that Hawkins wears No. 21, the number fan favorite Paul O'Neill wore. Some fans were even heard chanting O'Neill's name while Hawkins was getting rocked last night."

That's why it is tough sometimes to be a reliever. When Ian "Dead" Kennedy was getting shellacked -- while disgracing the uniform number of Hall of Famer Dave Winfield -- the fans were not yet angry because the game was still young.

Same thing happened today. Nobody booed Pettitte as he was getting shelled.
Ohlendorf gets booed after allowing one whole run.

Last place.

Torre is probably a good manager for self-motivated players or, say, a team of veterans who don't want to be forced to go over rundowns for the 10 millionth time. I would concede that the players could conceivably rebel and sabotage the season if they really hate their manager.

But if the idea is that Grady Little is more laid-back than Torre, then it's simply not possible.

Ever see those animation stills for collectors? You can't take your eyes away because your brain sort of expects it to move. But it never moves. It's potential energy that never actually translates into kinetic energy.

That's Torre in the dugout.

You can take one picture of Torre wearing his home uniform and one picture of Torre wearing his away uniform. Then you can fire the cameraman and use that same shot for the entire season:

"Of course, it's a fine line between first and fourth in the National League West, such a fine line that the very presence of Torre in a Dodgers uniform could be enough to make the difference. The difference, to this point, is most noticeable before the Dodgers take the field at Petco Park tonight for the start of a three-game series.

'Everything's in check here, under control,' said pinch-hitting specialist Mark Sweeney, a North County resident who's done three stints with the Padres. 'The respect, the credibility, all that good stuff that comes with (Torre), is pretty impressive. He's an elite manager who ultimately makes people better and makes them understand what it takes, day in and day out, to win.

'I think it's a perfect match, because what we've had here is a lot of West Coast feeling. I don't know if it's the weather or whatever, but there's always that laid-back sense that everything's OK. What I think he's brought is that mentality that you play the game the right way, no matter where you are or what your uniform says.' "

I'm warning you, pinch-hitting specialist Mark Sweeney, a North-County resident who's done three stints with the Padres: You are going to be baffled when your manager ignores the pitcher's lefty/righty splits and puts you out there because you have a "presence."

We can do without the condescension.

"Opening Day and conclusions don't really belong in the same sentence."

Yes, only bad sportswriters would do that.


"For the definition of the word conclusion is 'an ending' or a 'final summation.' "

Gee.

Thanks.

Another word loses its meaning.

"One scout says not to worry about Jimmy Rollins' atrocious spring (.188 with zero homers). 'He's a solid underrated player. I don't see any change.' "

So now the reigning MVP can be underrated? He won the MVP. Somebody must have rated him highly.

Panic, Paul O'Neill aficionados.

Pierre consecutive game streak ends, Proctor consecutive game streak begins.

"Have no fear, Paul O'Neill aficionados."

Sometimes, it's hard not to worry.

The price of gas, the weak dollar, the recession, the military conflicts, crime, homelessness, disease, earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, cholesterol, that upcoming project at work, that knocking noise in my car.

Sigh.

Baseball-wise, I think Yankees fans can "worry" if they want to. It's kind of pointless. Not much a fan can do to affect the outcome of a baseball game and, worst case, the Yankees lose a bunch of games. It has happened before.

But if a Yankee fan was the worrying sort, there's also a lot to worry about as the 2008 season approaches.

The Red Sox, the Blue Jays, the Devil Rays, the Indians, the Tigers, the Angels, the Mariners, Mussina, Hughes, Damon.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

I forgot the most important thing I've been worrying about: What number will Morgan Ensberg wear?

No, SHUT UP ... TELL ME NOW ... WHAT IS MORGAN ENSBERG'S UNIFORM NUMBER?!?!?!?!

Phew.

Two thumbs up.

How could this movie have evaded my attention for so long?

• The singular brilliance of this movie's mission statement is clarified on the back cover: "The team's terrible. They can't pitch, can't hit, can't catch. To top if off, everyone in New York is predicting Joe will be out by the end of the season. To the world, it's hopeless. To Joe, it's a beginning."
  
• The acting is all wrong. Sorvino ignores all the Torre mannerisms, other than general calmness. The lone bright spot is Paul O'Neill throwing tantrums in the locker room ... until Joe calmly reminds him that a baseball season is 162 games. The Brooklyn Italian stereotypes can only be described as made-for-TV.
  
• The Dwight Gooden fixation is inexplicable. Maybe it made sense at the time. Best line: During Gooden's no-hitter, Torre authoritatively declares, "Get Wetteland warmed up." As if Torre even knew the names of the pitchers in the Yankees bullpen.

Still, despites its flaws, it succeeds quite well at something. I'm not sure what.

Felz gives it 3 1/2 spicey meatballs out of 5.

Some athletes just have the confident gait of a champion racehorse.

A compilation of quotes from Yankee hopefuls Jeff Karstens, Darrell Rasner, and Sean Henn:

"Before today, I was feeling all right, but after today, I don't even know. ... I hope I've done enough for them to feel comfortable with me, and that they can trust me as well ... It definitely doesn't look good, but I'm 26. I still have to pitch somewhere, whether it's here or with another team."

Somebody get this man some steroids.

Jesus may be risen ...

... but Mike Lupica's intellect is not.

"And the guy who pitches the second game of the season against the A's in Japan - Jon Lester - would fit right in with some of the kids the Yankees get behind in their own rotation this season."

The Red Sox have a young pitcher who is pitching the second game of the season. The Yankees also have young pitchers.

Is this line of thought going anywhere?


"The Red Sox are still the team to beat, and not just because they have now won two World Series out of the last four."

I think the Red Sox are the best team in baseball. They won the WS and haven't adjusted their roster too much. But baseball is very unpredictable. To illuminate that observation, the very same Red Sox didn't even make the playoffs two seasons ago.

Lupica's line of reasoning is a bit tautological, don't you think? "The Red Sox are the best team in baseball, and not just because they are the best team in baseball."

Lupica could write five million words explaining other reasons that the Red Sox are the "team to beat." But none of these arguments can be more convincing than the fact that they won two of the last four World Series.


"They have spent better than the Yankees ... and have been run better."

As evidenced by the fact that they have won two of the last four World Series.


"The people who own the Red Sox now came in with the right attitude, which was this: You can't win the past from the Yankees, because the Yankees already won it. They wanted to start a new fight, a new fashioning of the rivalry, one that is now the closest to what the Dodgers and Giants had in New York once. And for now they are winning it."

As evidenced by the fact that they have won two of the last four World Series.


"And they are doing this in an era that was supposed to belong to the Yankees, especially since they made the trade for Alex Rodriguez in February of 2004.

Remember, the Yankees did that at the end of the baseball winter in which the Red Sox had tried to move heaven and Fenway Park to get Rodriguez to Fenway."

You, sir, are a liar and a phony.

I remember.

You said that the Rangers were better off with Soriano than the Yankees were with ARod. You said the Mets were the best team in New York. You said that ARod was going to move to centerfield or first base.


"And if somebody had told you his first day in New York that all this time later the Yankees would not only not have won a World Series in the years since but not even played in one, well, how hard would you have laughed?"

Not at all. Because I understand baseball. The Yankees had just lost Pettitte, Clemens, and Wells. They didn't even have Randy Johnson yet, or Chien-Mien Wang.

You really don't remember what it was like, do you?

The starting rotation was Kevin Brown (I had high hopes, to be fair), Javy Vazquez, Mussina, Lieber, and Contreras/El Duque/Loaiza.

I think most observers expected a lot of 12-11 losses and probably a second-place finish in the AL East.


"It has been stated before and can be stated again that Rodriguez has become the face of the Yankees now. Not Jeter, not Posada, not penitent Andy Pettitte, not the great Mo Rivera. It is Rodriguez, to whom the Yankees and their fortunes are now permanently tethered, for better or for worse."

1) "It has been stated" is a meaningless qualifier. It has been stated that the Earth is flat, that the value of Pi = 3.00, and that the light from the stars comes from pinholes in the firmament.

2) "... and can be stated again" is even more meaningless.

3) There is no such thing as "face of the Yankees."

4) The fortunes of the Yankees can not be "permanently" tethered to ARod, unless you misunderstand the meaning of a kindergarten-level vocabulary word.

5) You said Pettitte was "penitent." Screw you.

"So the real question, and it is a good one, becomes this for the Yankees, now and into the future:"

So many questions, I hardly know where to start:

1) Joba as a reliever.

2) Joba as a starter.

3) Hughes.

4) Kennedy.

5) Jeter's range as he gets older.

6) Can Damon rebound and stay healthy?

7) Can Abreu rebound and stay healthy?

8) Can Matsui rebound and stay healthy?

9) Is Mussina shot?

10) How long can Rivera continue his domination?

11) Will Girardi manage like he is in the National League?

12) Will George Steinbrenner die soon?

13) Lefties in the bullpen?

14) A first baseman who can hit?

15) The new Stadium?

So, Lupica, what have you got?

"Will Alex Rodriguez break the all-time home run record before he wins a World Series wearing a Yankee uniform?"

Screw you, Lupica.

That's the real question you've got for the 2008 Yankees?

Look, the bleachers will be $12.

That's what the guy actually says. "The bleachers will be $12," he says.

The man has his finger on the pulse of the New York sports scene.

Mike Lupica on Sunday, March 16, 2008:

"This isn't to suggest that somehow the spring training silliness of the past few weeks is some sign that the Yankees are now officially mad as hell and aren't going to take it anymore, or that Yankee pitchers are maybe going to move David Ortiz off the plate."


March 17, 2008:

"The very next inning, Andy Pettitte threw inside to David Ortiz, before striking him out for the second time in the game. And my guess is that very soon in The Rivalry, Ortiz will get plunked by a Yankee pitcher for the first time ever.

...

Make no mistake - Pettitte’s pitch yesterday was intentional. And Girardi had a lot to do with it."

I hope Torre's sensibilities are not insulted.

Yes sir!

"Andy Pettitte's pitch sailed up and in past David Ortiz's armpit, stumbling the big Boston slugger and drawing boos from visiting members of Red Sox Nation."

This is so wonderful. Best believe that Joe Girardi will not refer to David Ortiz as "Big Papi."

When Baseball Was Pure.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night

"Jeff Burroughs violently reacted to a fan stealing his glove and cap, the Texas players, led by manager Billy Martin, charged onto the field with bats. A huge number of intoxicated fans, some armed with knives, chains, and portions of stadium seats that they had torn apart, surged onto the field; others hurled bottles from the stands. Realizing the Rangers might be in danger of their lives, Ken Aspromonte, the Indians' manager, ordered his players to grab bats and help the Rangers."


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disco_Demolition_Night

"White Sox TV announcers Harry Caray and Jimmy Piersall commented freely on the 'strange people' wandering aimlessly in the stands. Mike Veeck recalled that the pregame air was heavy with the scent of marijuana. When the crate on the field was filled with records, staff stopped collecting them from spectators who soon realized that long-playing (LP) records were shaped like Frisbees. They began to throw their records from the stands during the game, and the records often struck other fans. The fans also threw beer and even firecrackers from the stands.

After the first game, Dahl, dressed in army fatigues and helmet, along with a female sidekick named Lorelei and bodyguards, went out to center field. The large box containing the collected records was rigged with a bomb. When it exploded, the bomb tore a hole in the outfield grass surface and thousands of fans immediately rushed the field. Some lit fires and started small-scale riots. The batting cage was pulled down and wrecked, and the bases literally stolen, along with chunks of the field itself. The crowd, once on the field, mostly wandered around aimlessly, though a number of participants burned banners, sat on the grass or ran from security and police. People sitting in the upper deck could feel it sway back and forth from the rioters."

The Billy Crystal at-bat is a shame that will burden the Yankees all season long. Hic. Pardon me, I'm Jerry Green and I'm drunk.

"You cannot love baseball without treasuring the visions of Babe Ruth, of Lou Gehrig, of Joe DiMaggio, of Mickey Mantle.

All of them ghosts of other eras, when baseball was proud and not yet impure."

I'm going to ignore the racial undercurrent of that statement. I doubt if that's what Jerry Green intended.

Still, I got news for you, Pops: Baseball was always impure.

"My ancient visions of the Yankees are of class:

"Derek Jeter getting booed at Comerica Park by his home-state fans just because he plays for the Yankees with the traditional dignity. And Jeter refusing to complain about the jeering.

Johnny Damon, standing on the steps of the visitors dugout at Comerica, and applauding the pennant-bound Tigers after they dumped the favored Yankees in the 2006 playoffs.

Gehrig, trying to keep playing as he was dying with the disease would carry his name, when I was a kid at Yankee Stadium.

DiMaggio, with his grace and flawless, fluid moves in center field.

And Mantle, grinning and friendly, pounding prodigious shots into the upper deck." (While hungover.)

Do you know what "ancient" means? Because Jeter is currently on the Yankees and the Damon story is only two years old. Even in the compressed time period of professional Major League Baseball or the compressed time period of Jerry Green's life, two years is not "ancient."

"Once upon a time, baseball had an entrepreneur named Bill Veeck. He wrote an autobiography called 'Veeck As In Wreck.' Veeck owned the St. Louis Browns, the whipping boys of the American League. In 1951, Veeck signed a dwarf and sent him to bat in a regular-season Sunday game against the Tigers. Eddie Gaedel, 3-feet-7 and 65 pounds, popped out of a cake, wearing the Brownies uniform No. 1/8."

I truly think if I could go back in time and pick any baseball game to attend, that would be the game.

Hilarious.

"It was circus showmanship at Veeck's best. Worst?"

It was writing at its worst. Best?

"Bob Cain was the Tigers pitcher. Bob Swift was the catcher. There are famous pictures of Swift on his knees to catch Cain's pitches.

Gaedel, walked on four pitches, as a pinch hitter. He was too small for Cain to throw strikes. Cain supposedly was laughing as he threw the four high pitches. Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis was not so amused. He ordered Gaedel's name be stricken from the all-time major league records. The one at-bat was later reinstated instated into major league baseball's precocious official statistics.

The event was a travesty of baseball."

1) Can official statistics be "precocious"? What is the context for "precocious" in this story? Major league baseball's official statistics act mature for their age? Do you mean "precious"?

2) That was awesome when Gaedel batted.

3) That was a regular season game.

4) You just said baseball used to be pure, then you bring up a "travesty" from fifty-seven years ago.

5) Lighten up.


"And shame is a burden the Yankees will carry all season long. Some place -- wherever? -- the Babe must be crying."

So now you imply that "pure" Babe Ruth is in Hell.

You really think Babe Ruth is crying because the Yankees gave a Spring Training at-bat to an entertainer? Do you know anything about Babe Ruth?

It showed.

" 'Baseball wasn’t fun the last three years,' [Torre] said. 'The game was fun. The players were fun. But everything connected to it wasn’t fun. I was curious if it could be fun again.'

...

But the tedium of all that swirls around the Yankees had begun to wear him down, somewhere beneath the sad eyes. At times last season, Mattingly felt obligated to give Torre a poke, a reading of his emotional and physical temperature."

I know the job of professional baseball manager is torturous and tedious. Especially for the maanger of the New York Yankees. With the highest salary, by far, of any professional baseball manager.

"More than once, he said, he asked himself, 'Am I doing the right thing?'

He didn’t get a legitimate answer until the days before he left for Vero Beach, when his body began to feel right again, when the notion of another baseball season put him again on the balls of his feet."

Last season, it made headlines -- literally -- when Torre got off the bench and stood on the top step of the dugout.

During a game.

It was like he was actually paying attention to the actual game.

Yankee Manager Criticizes Other Manager.

I don't even care about the details of the argument. I don't think Girardi is right. But I just like the fact that he didn't refer to the manager of the Rays as "Joey" or offer to give him a reacharound.

When Derek Jeter was taken out by Ken Huckaby, Torre did nothing about it.

When Manny Ramirez showed up Scott Proctor, Torre did nothing about it.

When David Ortiz hit fifty homeruns off Yankee pitchers, Torre referred to Ortiz as "Big Papi" and never dusted him once.

Jeter and ARod lead the league in getting hit by pitches and it's not "classy" to complain about it.

It's not "classy" to complain about Joba Chamberlain enduring Exodus:8 on a pitcher's mound in Cleveland during a playoff game.

Here's Girardi, during a Spring Training game, defending a minor league catcher who won't even make the team.

Bud Selig is a trip.

The Steroid Era is over, in case you were wondering:

"Bud Selig has no plans to read any of Barry Bonds' grand jury testimony that was ordered released by a judge just over a week ago.

'No, I don't think so,' Selig said Saturday. 'I think all the lawyers around me will but I don't think there's any reason for me at this time.' "

I read Bonds's grand jury testimony.

I'm not particularly intrigued, but it's convenient enough to download it from the Interweb and give it a quick once-over. Took less than ten minutes.

I think Bonds is lying, sure. His tactic is plausible deniability, but it just doesn't sound too plausible that he didn't notice what "flaxseed oil" was doing to his body.

Having said that, I'm not sure he will be found guilty of perjury, because it seems difficult to prove.

Not much of an analysis right there, but now you know more about the situation than the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

I got through exactly one sentence.

"He’s coming up on 34 years old, the shoulders still taut, the fade still working, the eyes still burning jade."

Another writer has a man crush on Derek Jeter.

Don't shoot the messenger.

"I always have confidence in myself. But it's tough when you do lose the confidence from your manager to maybe prepare yourself, day in and day out when you have no clue about anything," said Farnsworth, who allowed 108 runners to reach base via hit or walk in 60 innings last season and was 2-1 with a swollen 4.80 ERA in 64 games. "It happened a few times last year."

Eh.

Farnsworth is overpaid and disappointing, but his career ERA is 4.37 and most of that time was in the NL.

Of course Farnsworth's performance is not primarily Torre's fault, and nobody can take Farnsworth seriously. But the only reason we don't take him seriously is because he's a below-average pitcher. Torre is still the worst bullpen manager in the major leagues.


"Definitely, all across the board, communication with the manager, everything," Farnsworth said when asked if the atmosphere has improved under Girardi. "What they said last year about I couldn't go back-to-back days, which was news to me, when it was brought to me. I said, 'What are you guys talking about?' Communication is key for everything."

I'll bet that's exactly what happened. Farnsworth may be a dolt and a bad MLB pitcher. But his criticisms of Torre are probably right on.


"I don't think he has had the type of year he can have," Girardi said. "I think he will benefit from the third year in New York."

Not if Farnsworth keeps blaming others for his failures, he won't.

If Farnsworth pitches well, then he won't have failures, and then he won't need to blame anybody.

If Farnsworth doesn't pitch well, then it doesn't really matter who he blames.

According to Professor George A. King III, PhD, the key to pitching in the major leagues is the development of an internal locus of control.

Wow.

What is an "unusually passive" Joe Torre?

Is that like an "unusually wet" Pacific Ocean?:

"Mike Mussina seemed to be speaking for the entire team when he said, 'We loved Joe, but we all knew things had to be different. Especially the guys who've been here a while and haven't won, we were very disappointed at the way things had been going.'

...

Torre himself seemed unusually passive, staying in the dugout when Joba Chamberlain was being swarmed by midges in the decisive Game 2 of the Division Series at Jacobs Field. Torre repeated this week in Vero Beach, Fla., what he'd said in October, that he should've asked the umpires to stop play. Instead, Torre said, 'I didn't act on it, and I regret that.'

...

Girardi has done it by mingling with players, which Torre did less and less in his later years, choosing to leave the policing to Jeter. Damon says, 'Joe [Girardi] walks in here and he asks for your opinion, he asks how you're feeling, he gives you the feeling that what you think matters.' "

They all knew they needed a change.

Torre's departure was best for both parties.

Yet, anybody who suggested such a thing got shouted down.

Mr. Girardi.

It's so endearing when Joe Torre talks like a 10-year-old:

"I reminded Joe that good or bad, he's going to be questioned," Torre says. "But his intelligence and common sense will circumvent those issues. Joey brings a lot to the table. This kid understands. He's certainly aware of what he's getting into."

"Circumvent" is a mighty big word for somebody who refers to a grown man as "kid" and "Joey."


"He's a lot smarter than I am. He went to Northwestern, for gosh sakes."

You meant it as a disarming joke, but we all know it's true. Joe Girardi can probably name most of the players on the opposing team.


"He told of a fan approaching in the spring training of 2002 and saying, 'We'll do better this year,' after the Yankees had come within an out of beating the Arizona Diamondbacks in the '01 World Series."

They came within two outs. That's why the infield was in; there was only one out.

Probably the columnist's mistake.

But I wouldn't bet my life that Torre knows how many outs there were. It was a long time ago. That kid Gonzo hit that bloop hit. That other kid, what's-his-name, pitched a good game for the Braves that day. I mean, the Diamondbacks.

Wittingly.

Unnamed Yankee inside [sic] badmouths Torre and Guidry from afar:

"The Yankees unwittingly took advantage of the honor system last year; everyone seemed too comfortable, especially after failing to win the World Series for the seventh straight time. Even Torre's supporters in the organization admit Joe's stewardship had become too casual, evidenced by his naming Ron Guidry as pitching coach. 'It was obvious all [Torre] was doing was taking care of a buddy,' said one Yankee inside. 'Finally, we have someone here [Dave Eiland] who knows what he's doing.' "

I just can't understand why everybody is suddenly noticing that Torre's stewardship had become too casual.

They could have just asked me.

Nobody ever said it to his face.

I think Buddy Groom and Bubba Crosby criticized Torre while Torre was Yankees manager. I think they were the only ones:

"Bruney also admitted to a level of fear in playing for Joe Torre, who was constantly criticized in recent years for overusing certain relievers.

'With Torre - and I'm not trying to bad-mouth anybody - sometimes you would go out there and try to be so good because you were scared of doing bad,' Bruney said. 'You can't pitch like that. (Joe) Girardi understands that you make mistakes - and I'm going to make them.' "

In classic Torre-Talk, Bruney says he's not trying to bad-mouth anybody while he's bad-mouthing somebody. If you really didn't want to bad-mouth somebody, then you didn't have to say anything.

Though Torre's deficiencies were evident just from watching the games on TV, all this newfound criticism is cowardly. Nobody said it to his face and nobody said it when it could have made a difference.

Allen Barra doesn't spend enough time in the dugout.

What's with this guy?

He probably never even met Andy Pettitte.

If you looked into Pettitte's eyes and shook Pettitte's hand (a firm, all-American handshake, no doubt), then you would know that Pettitte is not a cheater.

He just isn't:

"Why hasn't Andy Pettitte heard from MLB, and why hasn't there been talk of a suspension? In his deposition to the House Committee on Oversight and Reform, Pettitte admitted that his father injected him with HGH in 2004. (And surely the most bizarre single piece of evidence to emerge during the entire hearing process is that Pettitte's dad stuck a needle in his son's ass.) In admitting this, Pettitte was in effect also admitting that he had lied to the Mitchell Commission—and thus to Major League Baseball—about the extent of his drug use.

Moreover, Pettitte was admitting to a crime. Though HGH wasn't banned from baseball under the Basic Agreement existing at the time—it wouldn't be added to the list of prohibited substances until 2005—it was and remains illegal unless prescribed for one of three rare diseases. Pettitte has clarified that he used HGH without a prescription. This means that he has admitted to the illegal use of HGH not once but twice, in 2002 and 2004. So where are MLB, the FDA, and the FBI?

...

Or as ESPN's astute legal analyst Roger Cossack put it, in a summation largely ignored by the New York media (and, for that matter, by Cossack's colleagues at ESPN): 'If you take out Andy Pettitte, is there any reason here you would believe McNamee any more than you would believe Clemens? McNamee has been shown to be a guy who lies for convenience. He lied when he first started talking to the Mitchell Commission . . . . Clemens has his own problems . . . . Obviously, his biggest problem is Andy Pettitte.'

When the Mitchell Report revealed that McNamee said he injected Pettitte with HGH in 2002, Pettitte was reviled as a cheat and a liar. In a short time, he was transformed into a sympathetic figure (despite withholding information on further HGH use) for one reason: He was the tool that could be used to get Roger Clemens."

I agree, except I don't think Pettitte was ever reviled as a cheat and a liar.

Lost forever.

Giambi says the same thing every pre-season:

"On Tuesday, Giambi focused on hitting to the opposite field during batting practice, lining balls to left and left-center with ease. With fresh legs for the first time since last April, Giambi is hoping to recapture some of the magic that prompted the Yankees to sign him after the '01 season.

'It will keep my swing a lot better if I work on hitting the ball the other way instead of hooking it to right field.' "

Do you know how many homeruns Alex Rodriguez hit in the major leagues before he ever met Larry Bowa?

"[ARod's] MENTAL TOUGHNESS COULD SUFFER WITH BOWA AND BORZELLO GONE"

Mike Borzello, Yankee bullpen catcher.

He's the reason ARod won an MVP last year.

I thought it was because ARod hit after Bob Abreu and Abreu took so many pitches.

But it was really the bullpen catcher.


By the way, did Bowa and Borzello declare that on their income taxes?

Unnamed baseball scout never heard of Chien-Ming Wang.

Or Andy Pettitte, for that matter:

"First of all, what pitching staff was out there? Each team has a different staff. Derek doesn't really have a sinkerball pitching staff whereas other shortstops, you sit behind certain pitchers, you're going to get a lot of ground balls."

You're not going to win any games with small ball.

If you ever stumble across the YES Network's Yankee Classics broadcast of the 1996 home opener, please take note of the ridiculous batting order.

Joe Torre had freakin' Joe Girardi batting second.

Torre trying to spread the word that this was going to be an NL-style small ball team.

How dumb.

Why don't you fast-forward eight years and bat Bernie Williams fourth in a playoff game and try a hit-and-run in the first inning with Johan Santana on the mound?

Now, I think I'm going to like Girardi as a manager. I liked him as a broadcaster and he was the guy I wanted for the job. I also like most of what he is saying so far -- what's not to like?

Then:

"He mentioned working hard in camp and doing the little things right, in case the Yankees need to win some games with 'small ball.' "

Damn.

Damn, damn, DAMN.

Sometimes parodies are more truthful than the truth.

"YES broadcaster and sports talk-radio host Michael Kay will be doing the play-by-play. The media refused to let him join their team again, as in previous years, he has openly rooted for the opposing Yankees, and according to Caple, he 'throws like a girl.' "